When I first started writing this blog, I just wanted a place to put my thoughts, my faith, and my relationship with God on paper (or on internet). I wanted to be able to look at this blog years from now and see how I've grown. I wanted to open myself up and make myself stay open.
That didn't happen. None of it happened, or will happen. I invented this thought in my head that this was the solution to the problems I've been having lately; that this was the key to keeping myself open to God and to those around me. I wrote because I wanted to somehow make these jumbled thoughts in my head make sense. I wrote because I wanted something to be proud of. I wrote for myself.
Well, this post has been a long time coming. I've been trying to find the words to say for weeks now, but I've never actually had the guys to sit down and write them out. I was too afraid.
Somewhere along this blogging train, I started writing for others instead of myself. I was thinking about the problems others were having around me, and I wrote solutions for them. I attempted to answer the questions others asked me. I wrote to please.
What's even worse is that I saw other blogs like mine that I thought wrote to please and I judged them. I branded myself with "Hypocrite" written in bold across my forehead. I looked down at them because they wrote on what would get readers, and I wrote on what I wanted to. I had no clue that what I was doing was writing to please.
I started hitting the refresh button on the blog statistics page, eager to see how many read my blog. I saw my blog being nominated for a web award, and I beamed with joy that I was so popular. I lied to myself, and I lied to you.
I started this with good intentions, and they went down the tubes because I'm not mature enough to handle those intentions yet. I became more concerned with numbers and less concerned with being open about my relationship with God. I closed myself off and wished for those numbers to rise even more.
In all of that time I was writing to you about my "spiritual journey", I wasn't just lying to you. I was lying to myself. Though those posts had true basis on my life, I wasn't listening to what I had to say. I preached to you and refused to look into the mirror and see the liar staring back at me. I got so consumed with the prospect of people actually listening to me, I stopped listening to my own words.
The thing is, I want to be able to sit here and write and not be concerned about how many, if any, are reading. I want to sit here and quit saying cookie cutter things to you. I want to, but I'm not spiritually mature enough for that yet. I'm still a baby. If my faith had an age, it would be in the negative numbers. I'm not strong enough to sit here and be open about my faith to you when I can't even be open about my faith to myself. I wish I could do that, but I can't. I'm sure many newborn Christians could do that, but for me personally, I can't. I just can't.
I can't reference scripture for you. I look up verses on the internet before I site any. The verses I do site on my own are only small recollections, things I've seen recently or have ingrained into my brain. I can't tell you inspiring things about my life because they're all branded by the same word: hypocrite.
Now, hypocrisy can and is forgiven. If you came up to me and told me your struggles, I'd still love on you and treat you no differently than I would anyone else. But I can't forgive myself for my own hypocrisy. I haven't gotten to that point yet.
I know that I started this with good intentions, but those kind of went down the tubes. I don't want to tempt myself with numbers anymore. I have enough temptation as it is.
So I guess this is me saying goodbye. Maybe it's temporary, maybe it's permanent. I don't know. But what I do know is that I can't allow myself to sit here and write things that I think you'll want to read instead of things that are really sitting hard on my heart. I won't let myself be consumed by statistics anymore.
I'm sorry that I'm not a good example to follow. I wish that I could be better for you guys, but I can't. If you're seeking perfection, seek Jesus. I'm shattered, scarred, and broken. When I'm more mature, maybe I'll return to this, but right now, I just need to straighten my faith out. Believe me, it has a lot of knots in it. Knots of things I'm too embarrassed to mention, and that's the sign that I'm not mature enough for this.
That's it, I guess.
Signed,
The Broken, Shattered, Hypocritical, and Messed Up Wannabe Missionary
Monday, February 14, 2011
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Anyone interested in helping a third world country? Anyone?
I've been thinking lately. (Actually, I think always, but I digress.) I've been thinking that I may have too much ambition for Chad to bring all of those ambitions to fruition alone. To those of you who know me personally, you know me as a very ambitious person. I want to help at whatever way, shape or form that I physically and mentally am capable of no matter the cost. But the bad thing about ambition is the disappointment you may allow yourself to feel if you achieve anything less. I know that to achieve even one thing on my list of wishes for Chad would be a huge blessing, but I know that I probably won't be able to accomplish the entire list, let alone by myself.
Here's what I've been thinking: Why would I go there alone? I get to go and meet wonderful people and do wonderful things, so why should I be the only one who can experience that? Honestly, by me thinking that I'll be going alone, that's me being selfish. I want to share Chad and the glory there with anyone and everyone. Chad is not mine.
I think God is laying something new on my heart. I think He wants me to gather a group of those who love Him together so that we can make the difference He wishes to see. I don't think I'm supposed to be "the missionary who went to Chad"; I think He wants me to be one of those who changes Chad for the better. Plural, not singular. God has showed me that all great things done through Him should be shared so that others can see His grace. I want to share this.
So I am going to list off a few of my ambitions for Chad here. When I say it's very ambitious, I am not exaggerating. If you want to accompany me to Chad or you're interesting in going down for a mission trip or you just want to find a way to get involved after you read this, I'd be honored if you'd let me know. I may not be going to Chad permanently for a few years, but that doesn't mean that Chad has to wait on me.
In Chad, I wish to:
- Establish new schools for all ages. Almost half of Chad's people (46.7%) is 14 years of age or younger. This demographic needs to be reached because if we can reach the children, we can then reach the entire country as time progresses. Plus, higher education in Chad is practically non-existent. The only main university is the University of N'Djamena and it is severely underfunded (as is to be expected) and is falling to pieces. Those children deserve opportunities of higher education too. The more we educate the people, the better the country as a whole can become. We then can gain doctors, teachers, scientists, etc. Education is essential.
- Establish churches. In Chad, there already is a Christian population. It is not the majority of the country, but it is larger than some of Chad's African counterparts. (Southern Sudan would surpass Chad percentage wise, except Sudan has not split yet. However, it will soon. The referendum produced numbers of 99% in favor of the split.) Chad has a few churches establish, but again, they are falling apart. I want to put in not only new churches, but to re-establish the old ones too. God's message is too great to not be shared.
- Establish homeless shelters and refugee centers. Due to the strife in Darfur, Sudan, many refugees have traveled into Chad seeking a new home since theirs were destroyed. I want to provide these people with what they need so that they can survive until they go back to their old villages to rebuild, or I want to provide them with a way to become citizens of Chad. However, the homeless population of Chad is steep and I would not want to bring new citizens into the country just to have them living out on the streets. So with the refugee centers, homeless shelters would come as well.
- Strengthen Doctors Without Borders in Chad. To read why, you can refer here: http://www.doctorswithoutborders.org/news/country.cfm?id=2286
- Establish orphanages. This one is huge for me, as my own home will serve as open for anyone who needs a place to stay (Both children and adults). However, a child who has lost their parents does not need to end up on the street (Obviously, nobody needs to end up on the street, but this is particularly dangerous for children). As I previously stated, 46.7% of Chad is 14 years old or younger. I want to give Chadian children what every child wants most: to be loved. Now, I will love every single person I come into contact with there, but those children (and the adults too) deserve more love than just mine. Any orphanages established will be more than a promise of family, but a guarantee. Any orphanages established will be through love, not desperation. The orphanages themselves will be homes filled with love and adoration. Plus, what better way to show a child the beauty of God than to provide them with love? My love may not be enough for all of these people, but God's definitely is.
- Clean up the country, one village at a time. This will take serious time and manpower that will most likely extend for years after I am dead, but it needs to be done. No country has to be third world. It will take a lot of effort to make this happen, but I think it's definitely possible (since all is possible through God). I know that I won't live to see the entire country lose third world status, but I want so much to be able to look down after I'm dead and see the good done and still being done there.
I told you I was ambitious. Now, I realize that I won't be able to do this alone, and that the effort will have to continue long after I'm gone, but I know that some serious good can be done. I'll probably establish a few organizations there so that all efforts will continue after my death. Progress should never be halted.
For the next several years, I am pretty much going to spread all of this to anyone who will listen. It may be obnoxious to some, but it needs to be done. I know that I'm not the only one who wants to make a change like this, and I want to find those people, love on them, and then share the beauty of Chad with them if they wish. Whether it's a donation or a mission trip or even becoming a citizen like I will, I know that anything helps.
I'm so excited about this. I feel so blessed. I can't even describe how much.
I know that changes like these take time and effort, but I know that it will be worth it. God wouldn't have it happen if the effort would just go to waste. He'd have people do something else. So I'm not tiptoeing into this. I'm diving headfirst.
But I'm not the only diver out there.
Here's what I've been thinking: Why would I go there alone? I get to go and meet wonderful people and do wonderful things, so why should I be the only one who can experience that? Honestly, by me thinking that I'll be going alone, that's me being selfish. I want to share Chad and the glory there with anyone and everyone. Chad is not mine.
I think God is laying something new on my heart. I think He wants me to gather a group of those who love Him together so that we can make the difference He wishes to see. I don't think I'm supposed to be "the missionary who went to Chad"; I think He wants me to be one of those who changes Chad for the better. Plural, not singular. God has showed me that all great things done through Him should be shared so that others can see His grace. I want to share this.
So I am going to list off a few of my ambitions for Chad here. When I say it's very ambitious, I am not exaggerating. If you want to accompany me to Chad or you're interesting in going down for a mission trip or you just want to find a way to get involved after you read this, I'd be honored if you'd let me know. I may not be going to Chad permanently for a few years, but that doesn't mean that Chad has to wait on me.
In Chad, I wish to:
- Establish new schools for all ages. Almost half of Chad's people (46.7%) is 14 years of age or younger. This demographic needs to be reached because if we can reach the children, we can then reach the entire country as time progresses. Plus, higher education in Chad is practically non-existent. The only main university is the University of N'Djamena and it is severely underfunded (as is to be expected) and is falling to pieces. Those children deserve opportunities of higher education too. The more we educate the people, the better the country as a whole can become. We then can gain doctors, teachers, scientists, etc. Education is essential.
- Establish churches. In Chad, there already is a Christian population. It is not the majority of the country, but it is larger than some of Chad's African counterparts. (Southern Sudan would surpass Chad percentage wise, except Sudan has not split yet. However, it will soon. The referendum produced numbers of 99% in favor of the split.) Chad has a few churches establish, but again, they are falling apart. I want to put in not only new churches, but to re-establish the old ones too. God's message is too great to not be shared.
- Establish homeless shelters and refugee centers. Due to the strife in Darfur, Sudan, many refugees have traveled into Chad seeking a new home since theirs were destroyed. I want to provide these people with what they need so that they can survive until they go back to their old villages to rebuild, or I want to provide them with a way to become citizens of Chad. However, the homeless population of Chad is steep and I would not want to bring new citizens into the country just to have them living out on the streets. So with the refugee centers, homeless shelters would come as well.
- Strengthen Doctors Without Borders in Chad. To read why, you can refer here: http://www.doctorswithoutborders.org/news/country.cfm?id=2286
- Establish orphanages. This one is huge for me, as my own home will serve as open for anyone who needs a place to stay (Both children and adults). However, a child who has lost their parents does not need to end up on the street (Obviously, nobody needs to end up on the street, but this is particularly dangerous for children). As I previously stated, 46.7% of Chad is 14 years old or younger. I want to give Chadian children what every child wants most: to be loved. Now, I will love every single person I come into contact with there, but those children (and the adults too) deserve more love than just mine. Any orphanages established will be more than a promise of family, but a guarantee. Any orphanages established will be through love, not desperation. The orphanages themselves will be homes filled with love and adoration. Plus, what better way to show a child the beauty of God than to provide them with love? My love may not be enough for all of these people, but God's definitely is.
- Clean up the country, one village at a time. This will take serious time and manpower that will most likely extend for years after I am dead, but it needs to be done. No country has to be third world. It will take a lot of effort to make this happen, but I think it's definitely possible (since all is possible through God). I know that I won't live to see the entire country lose third world status, but I want so much to be able to look down after I'm dead and see the good done and still being done there.
I told you I was ambitious. Now, I realize that I won't be able to do this alone, and that the effort will have to continue long after I'm gone, but I know that some serious good can be done. I'll probably establish a few organizations there so that all efforts will continue after my death. Progress should never be halted.
For the next several years, I am pretty much going to spread all of this to anyone who will listen. It may be obnoxious to some, but it needs to be done. I know that I'm not the only one who wants to make a change like this, and I want to find those people, love on them, and then share the beauty of Chad with them if they wish. Whether it's a donation or a mission trip or even becoming a citizen like I will, I know that anything helps.
I'm so excited about this. I feel so blessed. I can't even describe how much.
I know that changes like these take time and effort, but I know that it will be worth it. God wouldn't have it happen if the effort would just go to waste. He'd have people do something else. So I'm not tiptoeing into this. I'm diving headfirst.
But I'm not the only diver out there.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Satan wants to cover you in spiders and twirl his handlebar mustache.
One of my least favorite things in the world: spiritual warfare. Only what stinks even worse about it is that it always keeps coming back. It's a pattern. I'm exuberant with the thought of God, and then the warfare creeps right back up on me, and then it repeats again and again. Personally, I picture spiritual warfare as a ton of spiders that just crawl all over you. You feel it and it gives you a serious case of the heebie jeebies and you try to fight it off by doing random motions that pretty much do nothing.
How I feel with spiders is how I feel with spiritual warfare. When I have a spider on me (*gags*), I jerk my arms around and jump up and down and pretty much do whatever I can to attempt to get the stupid spider off (I really hope an army of spiders doesn't come and attack me now for revenge...). Usually, I'm so consumed with getting the darn thing off that I don't think about the motions I make before I make them. I rely on knee jerk reactions to get me through instead of trying to calmly think things over.
When I am being spiritually attacked, I don't think. I act, and instead of it actually helping, I wind up not only feeling stupid for jumping around trying to get rid of it, but feeling weak from unneeded effort. Why? Because when spiritual warfare creeps up on me, the rest of my thoughts disappear. It's just me and the warfare spiders. I become so consumed with how much it freaks me out, I forget that if I just stayed still and thought about it, the solution would be clear.
Now, I really wish there was a universal solution to getting rid of spiritual warfare, but there isn't. We're attacked in different ways since Satan knows what makes us tick. He pushes our buttons and loves watching us squirm. Every time I imagine Satan engaging me in spiritual warfare, I imagine him twirling a handlebar mustache (Don't ask me why I imagine him with a mustache. I think it's because in a ton of old movies, the villain has a handlebar mustache...) and maniacally laughing while saying, "Release the spiders!"
Am I the only one who finds that image intensely creepy? I mean, seriously. Satan is already the epitome of creepy, so Satan + Handlebar mustache + Spiritual spiders = Ridiculously bad. The only thing creepier to me is if Satan was a clown. Because, you know, clowns are supposed to be so happy and cool, when really they're just completely terrifying. (Plus, every time I think of clowns, I imagine a clown with really scary make up widening his eyes and slowly moving closer to me....or doing this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hFHBtu6Nb40)
Off of the subject of my coulrophobia... Satan wants to watch you squirm. He wants to cover you in spiders and twirl his mustache. He wants to watch you flail. He wants to see you suffer.
Well, honestly, Satan has been getting that out of me lately. He's been attacking me again and again, and I don't stop and think. I don't stop and pray. I rely on my knee jerk reactions. I try to shake off the spiders.
If anything kills me, it will be spiritual warfare. Not some Janjaweed rebel strolling into Africa with the intent of randomly massacring everyone they see. Not disease. Not a freak accident. It will be spiritual warfare. I'd rather die any other way a thousand times than "die" of spiritual warfare. All of those other things are physical deaths, whereas spiritual warfare is spiritual death (Obviously, sense the term is "spiritual death").
I consider my Faith the epitome of two things: Strength and weakness. My Faith is strong and extremely fragile at the same time. This is why I am so terrified of spiritual warfare; it could shatter my Faith, and my Faith is who I am. I am nothing without it. Trust me, I've lived without it before. It hardly constituted a life. I felt empty, like something was missing. And obviously, something was missing: Me.
Spiritual warfare is my worst enemy, aside from Satan himself. I always mess up when I try to fix it, and I always feel bad because of that screw up to the point where it just makes the spiritual warfare worse. I turn into one giant ball of turmoil. That turmoil shakes me to my core every time, and since my Faith is already fragile, I seize up in the fear that my Faith may shatter. If my Faith shatters, I shatter. Period.
I wish that I could tell you a sure fire way for how to get rid of spiritual warfare immediately, but I can't. Satan attacks us in different ways because it hurts him when we follow God. Satan wants us, and not in a good way (As I previously stated in one of my recent posts).
The moral of this is: Don't freak out from the heebie jeebies the spiritual spiders give you. Turn to God. He can make the spiders go away. Don't be like me. Think before you try to shake the warfare off of you. Don't allow Satan to twirl his handlebar mustache. Make him want you even more because he can't have you. Essentially, tease Satan with your Faith in God. He'll hate it. He'll keep trying to put spiders on you, but you don't have to let him succeed. Don't succumb to the fear. (Wow, all of these sentences were extremely short. I can feel my inner English lover blanching.)
You're stronger than you think, and you're bigger than the spiders.
How I feel with spiders is how I feel with spiritual warfare. When I have a spider on me (*gags*), I jerk my arms around and jump up and down and pretty much do whatever I can to attempt to get the stupid spider off (I really hope an army of spiders doesn't come and attack me now for revenge...). Usually, I'm so consumed with getting the darn thing off that I don't think about the motions I make before I make them. I rely on knee jerk reactions to get me through instead of trying to calmly think things over.
When I am being spiritually attacked, I don't think. I act, and instead of it actually helping, I wind up not only feeling stupid for jumping around trying to get rid of it, but feeling weak from unneeded effort. Why? Because when spiritual warfare creeps up on me, the rest of my thoughts disappear. It's just me and the warfare spiders. I become so consumed with how much it freaks me out, I forget that if I just stayed still and thought about it, the solution would be clear.
Now, I really wish there was a universal solution to getting rid of spiritual warfare, but there isn't. We're attacked in different ways since Satan knows what makes us tick. He pushes our buttons and loves watching us squirm. Every time I imagine Satan engaging me in spiritual warfare, I imagine him twirling a handlebar mustache (Don't ask me why I imagine him with a mustache. I think it's because in a ton of old movies, the villain has a handlebar mustache...) and maniacally laughing while saying, "Release the spiders!"
Am I the only one who finds that image intensely creepy? I mean, seriously. Satan is already the epitome of creepy, so Satan + Handlebar mustache + Spiritual spiders = Ridiculously bad. The only thing creepier to me is if Satan was a clown. Because, you know, clowns are supposed to be so happy and cool, when really they're just completely terrifying. (Plus, every time I think of clowns, I imagine a clown with really scary make up widening his eyes and slowly moving closer to me....or doing this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hFHBtu6Nb40)
Off of the subject of my coulrophobia... Satan wants to watch you squirm. He wants to cover you in spiders and twirl his mustache. He wants to watch you flail. He wants to see you suffer.
Well, honestly, Satan has been getting that out of me lately. He's been attacking me again and again, and I don't stop and think. I don't stop and pray. I rely on my knee jerk reactions. I try to shake off the spiders.
If anything kills me, it will be spiritual warfare. Not some Janjaweed rebel strolling into Africa with the intent of randomly massacring everyone they see. Not disease. Not a freak accident. It will be spiritual warfare. I'd rather die any other way a thousand times than "die" of spiritual warfare. All of those other things are physical deaths, whereas spiritual warfare is spiritual death (Obviously, sense the term is "spiritual death").
I consider my Faith the epitome of two things: Strength and weakness. My Faith is strong and extremely fragile at the same time. This is why I am so terrified of spiritual warfare; it could shatter my Faith, and my Faith is who I am. I am nothing without it. Trust me, I've lived without it before. It hardly constituted a life. I felt empty, like something was missing. And obviously, something was missing: Me.
Spiritual warfare is my worst enemy, aside from Satan himself. I always mess up when I try to fix it, and I always feel bad because of that screw up to the point where it just makes the spiritual warfare worse. I turn into one giant ball of turmoil. That turmoil shakes me to my core every time, and since my Faith is already fragile, I seize up in the fear that my Faith may shatter. If my Faith shatters, I shatter. Period.
I wish that I could tell you a sure fire way for how to get rid of spiritual warfare immediately, but I can't. Satan attacks us in different ways because it hurts him when we follow God. Satan wants us, and not in a good way (As I previously stated in one of my recent posts).
The moral of this is: Don't freak out from the heebie jeebies the spiritual spiders give you. Turn to God. He can make the spiders go away. Don't be like me. Think before you try to shake the warfare off of you. Don't allow Satan to twirl his handlebar mustache. Make him want you even more because he can't have you. Essentially, tease Satan with your Faith in God. He'll hate it. He'll keep trying to put spiders on you, but you don't have to let him succeed. Don't succumb to the fear. (Wow, all of these sentences were extremely short. I can feel my inner English lover blanching.)
You're stronger than you think, and you're bigger than the spiders.
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