I'm going to be totally honest here, I used to hate calling God "Father" or any synonym for the word. I felt like that word had such a bad connotation. My earthly father betrayed me and pretty much scarred me for life. I didn't want to call God "Father" for fear that I would be betrayed again. It took me a while to realize that the word "Father" is actually a compliment to men on earth because they are allowed to share the same word with God. I like to think that it's gotten easier to call God "Daddy", but sometimes, the word gets stuck in my throat. Old habits die hard.
I didn't accept being a Christian easily. I had to take baby steps. I went through stages. First, I was in the shock, awe, and disbelief phase. I couldn't believe that there was One out there who could offer someone as messed up as me Grace. Second, I was in the self-deprecating phase. I thought that because I was so screwed up, I had to alter everything that I was to impress God. Basically, I put on my church face and tried to act Holy. Needless to say, I completely failed.
Then came the conforming traditionalist phase. I went to church and made every belief around me my own. I didn't give it a second thought, I just took it and considered it as a part of who I was. I became stuck on traditions and essentially stuck within myself. If you didn't believe the way I did, I was in on the secret and you were not. I was going to Heaven, and you had no hope. God only loved those who did everything a certain way and if you deviated, you were going to Hell. That phase makes me sick to think about.
After that was the confusion. I pretty much had no idea who I was or what I believed and I was willing to "go with the flow" just to make it seem like I trusted God.
Another "Holier than thou" phase came. I read books about a revolution in Christianity and they got me fired up. I got it, and nobody else did. Nobody believed in God as much as I did. Nobody understood the Word as much as I did.
A loose phase came next. To me, everything was fine. I never did anything wrong because how could I do wrong when I was God's daughter? I sinned and I didn't think a thing about it. I felt no remorse.
Then, I forgot everything. Not just my Faith, but everything. I couldn't see the Hand that was reaching toward me anymore, and my eyes wouldn't adjust. I was stuck in a period of darkness that still haunts me in the eyes of those who witnessed it.
Only now did I realize that Christian spirituality requires growth. Not just within myself either. These phases may be sickening and awful, but they were essential.
I don't consider where I am now a "phase". At least, I hope it isn't one. Sure, I still have doubts occasionally creep into my mind, but I always remember that those thoughts aren't mine. Satan places them in my mind, and I choose to acknowledge them. But I am trying. I'm still growing. I'm still a baby Christian.
I have my own beliefs now. I accept all, just as God accepts all. I'm trying to go as Jesus went. I'm trying to follow in His footsteps. It's difficult, don't get me wrong. However, I've never felt more whole and I've never felt more broken. It's hard to describe really. I don't conform to the beliefs of those around me, because those beliefs aren't suited for me. I listen. I hear God in the trees. I see Him in the dust motes that swirl in the air as I breathe. I feel Him. It's marvelous.
Every day, calling Him "Daddy" gets easier. I'm hungry to discover more of Him. I'm starving because I want to glorify Him in every way. I'm thirsty to take in more of His words. I'm taking one step at a time, and I'm enjoying the walk. For the first time in my life, I don't feel alone and I don't feel surrounded. I feel...well, there's not really a word to describe it.
I've been in love on earth before, but it's nothing in comparison to being in love with my God. I can honestly say that. I'm floating, and I love every second of it.
The title of this blog is from Sweetly Broken by Jeremy Riddle. It's an excellent song, and it suits what I'm feeling.
I love you all :) Be safe.
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