A Confession and a Final Word

When I first started writing this blog, I just wanted a place to put my thoughts, my faith, and my relationship with God on paper (or on internet). I wanted to be able to look at this blog years from now and see how I've grown. I wanted to open myself up and make myself stay open.

That didn't happen. None of it happened, or will happen. I invented this thought in my head that this was the solution to the problems I've been having lately; that this was the key to keeping myself open to God and to those around me. I wrote because I wanted to somehow make these jumbled thoughts in my head make sense. I wrote because I wanted something to be proud of. I wrote for myself.

Well, this post has been a long time coming. I've been trying to find the words to say for weeks now, but I've never actually had the guys to sit down and write them out. I was too afraid.

Somewhere along this blogging train, I started writing for others instead of myself. I was thinking about the problems others were having around me, and I wrote solutions for them. I attempted to answer the questions others asked me. I wrote to please.

What's even worse is that I saw other blogs like mine that I thought wrote to please and I judged them. I branded myself with "Hypocrite" written in bold across my forehead. I looked down at them because they wrote on what would get readers, and I wrote on what I wanted to. I had no clue that what I was doing was writing to please.

I started hitting the refresh button on the blog statistics page, eager to see how many read my blog. I saw my blog being nominated for a web award, and I beamed with joy that I was so popular.  I lied to myself, and I lied to you.

I started this with good intentions, and they went down the tubes because I'm not mature enough to handle those intentions yet. I became more concerned with numbers and less concerned with being open about my relationship with God. I closed myself off and wished for those numbers to rise even more.

In all of that time I was writing to you about my "spiritual journey", I wasn't just lying to you. I was lying to myself. Though those posts had true basis on my life, I wasn't listening to what I had to say. I preached to you and refused to look into the mirror and see the liar staring back at me. I got so consumed with the prospect of people actually listening to me, I stopped listening to my own words.

The thing is, I want to be able to sit here and write and not be concerned about how many, if any, are reading. I want to sit here and quit saying cookie cutter things to you. I want to, but I'm not spiritually mature enough for that yet. I'm still a baby. If my faith had an age, it would be in the negative numbers. I'm not strong enough to sit here and be open about my faith to you when I can't even be open about my faith to myself. I wish I could do that, but I can't. I'm sure many newborn Christians could do that, but for me personally, I can't. I just can't.

I can't reference scripture for you. I look up verses on the internet before I site any. The verses I do site on my own are only small recollections, things I've seen recently or have ingrained into my brain. I can't tell you inspiring things about my life because they're all branded by the same word: hypocrite.

Now, hypocrisy can and is forgiven. If you came up to me and told me your struggles, I'd still love on you and treat you no differently than I would anyone else. But I can't forgive myself for my own hypocrisy. I haven't gotten to that point yet.

I know that I started this with good intentions, but those kind of went down the tubes. I don't want to tempt myself with numbers anymore. I have enough temptation as it is.

So I guess this is me saying goodbye. Maybe it's temporary, maybe it's permanent. I don't know. But what I do know is that I can't allow myself to sit here and write things that I think you'll want to read instead of things that are really sitting hard on my heart. I won't let myself be consumed by statistics anymore.

I'm sorry that I'm not a good example to follow. I wish that I could be better for you guys, but I can't. If you're seeking perfection, seek Jesus. I'm shattered, scarred, and broken. When I'm more mature, maybe I'll return to this, but right now, I just need to straighten my faith out. Believe me, it has a lot of knots in it. Knots of things I'm too embarrassed to mention, and that's the sign that I'm not mature enough for this.

That's it, I guess.

Signed,
The Broken, Shattered, Hypocritical, and Messed Up Wannabe Missionary