Being a Christian is like grasping at straws.

Lately, I've been struggling with various theological questions that both blow my mind and confuse the heck out of it. For the past several months, I've lived my life through question after question. It seems like Christianity has not answered any of my questions at all, but has actually sprouted ones that are both more numerous and more challenging. I've read tons upon tons of theological books, searching for answers and seeking my version of truth: something logical, something I can believe in, something that I can share with others when they ask me the exact same questions. However, for each "answer" that I've found, I've realized that answer could be completely wrong.

This is the foundation of my belief system: the belief that I have absolutely no system. I sit in my room for hours, thinking about the things that I want to know, and yet every time I spend loads of time on a question, I usually just confuse myself more. I search and search for something that makes sense, and at the same time I laugh at myself because I'm searching for something that is not possible. How so? Well, because faith isn't exactly something that can make sense. Sure, we can read the books and do the research and hope/pray that we find a logical answer, but is that ever really what we find?

I guess what I'm saying here is that every time I think that I find an answer, it's usually just a shot in the dark or something that may be slightly supported. It's basically a theory. Yeah, my faith is based on theories. 

I love theology. I truly do. However, in the amount of time it has taken me to see my love for theology, I've also never been more confused or more happy to be confused. I know for a fact that I'm pretty much just grasping at anything I can find, but I actually enjoy it. 

I suppose this can be backed up by a quote that I saw today from Matthew Paul Turner's blog, Jesus Needs New PR. "How is it possible to seek truth when you're convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that you already know it by heart?"

This is what I am doing. I am seeking truth with the knowledge that I will never truly find it and enjoying the ride. Sure, there are things in this life that I know within my own heart are true; things in my faith that I believe with all my heart, things that make me who I am. But just because I believe so strongly that they are true does not necessarily mean that they are. I'm not God here. The questions I've encountered and even came up with myself far outweigh the answers. Strangely, I think I am okay with that.

I learned a long time ago that if I wanted to be a Christian, I had to accept the fact that I could not always be right and that I could not always have an answer. Basically, I had to tell myself that I am dumber than God. Now, I know for a fact that I am dumber than God. However, sometimes I catch myself hoping that God would twist events according to my own plans instead of His/Her own. 

But I am not capable of having any answer or any "correct" plans. The thing I am capable of is seeking truth. Only seeking. As I seek truth, I can then further seek God because as far as I'm concerned, one can never be done with seeking God. 

So as I continue reading books about theology and researching the seemingly endless cycle of questions that I have in my head, I know that I am probably just grasping at straws. But hey, better to grasp at straws than to think you already know everything. Besides, in my head, the straws are colorful and bendable, which we all know make everything much more fun. Who wouldn't want that?

Now, I know what some of you may be thinking. "What about the Bible? Isn't that absolute truth?" Well, that's another question I've been plagued with. I can't answer that. To me, it seems like no matter what doctrine you believe in or the belief system you have, there are bound to be contradictions. So the point of faith is not to overturn or figure out every contradiction, but to at least familiarize yourself with all sides so that you can be knowledgeable enough to care. Caring about the questions or the contradictions is how you grow within your faith. It's how you seek truth, instead of clinging to the thought that you already have it absolutely. 

I used to be someone who was obnoxious with "answers"; I believed that I had absolute truth, and I was actually pretty much a jerk with it. However, for me, a part of growing up is not only knowing that you don't have any absolute answers about life, but also any absolute answers about God. Yet, with that knowledge, you have to learn to be okay with it. 

So I admit here that I don't have everything figured out, and nor will I. The things I say about God or theology are just the theories I have at that current time. None of it is absolute. Now, I'm not saying that we can't ever say anything about God to others because we could be wrong, but what I am saying is that we have to be open about it. Don't cling to your version of absolute truth, because someone else's could be just as absolute as yours. Have an opinion and believe in that opinion, but be respectful about it. 

Love your questions just as much as you love your answers, but know that they both could change.