What? What is this?

I'm not one of those people who believes that change occurs only within. I don't think that you are the only one who can change you. I think change comes from God and from what He does in your life. It comes from the people in your life, it comes from what you want to see in yourself, and it comes from the lessons you learn. I personally believe that all of these things stem from God and His love for us.

Life itself is a cycle of change; every breath you take can alter you. For example, breathing hurts for me right now because I got tackled countless times last night, and yet the pain is somehow teaching me something. As I sit here, shivering and aching, I can sense something moving me. I know that something is God; it always is.

Often, I am faced with questions that I never thought I would be able to answer. Those questions are always in reference to Africa. Always. Those questions are both the hardest and easiest questions for me to answer. Why? Because my answers affect people. I can see it in their eyes. As much as I don't want to have to explain these things to people, I have seen lives changed by it already, and I'm not even in Africa yet.

I am going to post the most frequently asked questions on here. I will answer each one.

 - Why Chad?
God. That is the only reason. He said, "Go to Chad." And boom. The location came first for me, so that I could get used to the fact that I wouldn't live a comfortable little life in America. The rest followed shortly after. What's funny is that little hints of my Calling have popped up my entire life, and I just never noticed.

 - What little hints of Chad popped up?
Well, I used to watch the Lizzy McGuire show a ton and one episode featured a project on countries. Lizzy had a crush on a guy named Chad, and she was assigned Chad as her country. I remember laughing about this for a good ten minutes and then I was in denial that Chad was an actual country, so I looked it up. This is the main hint that I remember. It seemed like such a small thing at the time. I honestly don't know how I can remember this, considering my memory is usually so sketchy. But there it is. I don't believe in coincidences.

 - What are you going to do in Chad?
The question should probably be, "What aren't you going to do in Chad?" My friend Michelle called me "ambitiously caring" once, and I guess that is the best way to describe what I'm doing. I plan on helping anyone who needs it. Adult or child, healthy or sick, old or young, I will be there. The main thing I know that I am going to do is take in orphans. I will probably wind up with a dozen children to call my own. But I want to be one of those people who will do anything for anyone. No limits.

 - What is this I hear about a US Embassy?
Yes, there is a US Embassy in N'Djamena, the city I am going to live in. I really want to work there. I don't know why, but I do. God is probably thinking of some way to use that for His glory. I wouldn't be surprised. But we'll just see what happens. If He wants me to be an embassy worker and a missionary, that is exactly what I will do.

 - Isn't Chad kind of dangerous?
Yep. It sure is. It's having some big problems with Sudan at the moment, and the UN is planning to withdraw MINURCAT, which is the main organization keeping Chad afloat. It's not looking good right now.

 - Aren't you scared since it's so dangerous?
The danger doesn't scare me. The only thing they could do to me is kill me. I'm not afraid of that.

 - You're seriously not afraid of a bunch of Africans with weapons?
Nope. I can honestly say that. God is sending me there for a reason. If I die there, so be it. I never thought I'd live a long life anyways.

 - What if you're raped or something?
Then I'm raped. Dwelling on "what if" isn't going to help anything. What if the ceiling of my house comes down right now and kills me? Thinking of what could happen only prevents life from being lived to the fullest and for God's glory.

 - So if someone comes up to and points a gun at your head and says, "Do you believe in God?", what will you say? (For the record, this question has been asked four times. My answer never changes.)
Yes. Absolutely yes. If the last thing I hear is a gunshot, so be it.

 - When did you know you were going to be a missionary?
My conscious knowledge happened shortly before I was baptized. But I've known in the back of my head my entire life, even before I allowed myself to believe in God.

 - What if everything doesn't go according to plan?
Since when does anything go according to my own plan? Hahaha technically, everything and nothing goes according to plan. Everything in regards to God's plan, nothing in regards to my own.

 - If you're not afraid of death, what are you afraid of?
Disappointing God and those I will be attempting to help. The worst thing that could happen to me is that I could fail in my mission. But I think of it like this: if I was going to fail, why would God call me to do something like this?

 - What are you doing to prepare for this?
There is no real preparation. Not mentally, not physically. The only thing you can do is go in there with the knowledge that God is right there with you. This goes for anything.

 (This next one comes from every member of my family.)
 - There is still time for you to change your mind. What is your backup plan?
I will not change my mind. I have no power over this. My mind can't be changed. It is all up to God.


So yeah. Those are my FAQ's. If you have any others, just ask :)

I have changed. I am changing. So are you. Keep your eyes open, and you never know what you'll see. Keep your heart open, and you never know what you'll feel. Keep your spirit open, and you never know what you'll do or what you'll experience. Let God move you, and you never know where you'll go.

Hot potatoes and dinosaur nuggets.

I buy Dino nuggets. They are yummy and fun and I love them. However, I do not love the looks I get every single time I buy them. The most common response is, "How old are you?" When I say 16, everyone just smirks.  Only once has someone actually smiled at me. He was 17, and we high fived. It was pretty excellent.

I know that I've done a post on maturity before, but this issue just keeps coming up. Now, I realize that I am not the most mature 16-year-old on the face of the Earth, but I'm not a toddler either. Anyone should be allowed to buy Dino nuggets, bouncy balls, and a yo-yo without strange looks...right? I think so. I think that there wouldn't be so many boring adults in the world if people didn't thrust maturity on them like a hot potato that they can't keep passing. It burns, and no matter how many times you try to toss it up to make the pain go away, it always comes back down.

The maturity potato is something everyone has passed to them. Mine was passed when I was 6. Do you want to know what I did with that potato after a few years of burned hands? I let it drop straight to the ground; I shed my facade of maturity so that I could actually enjoy life again. I made mashed potatoes out of maturity, using combat boots to stomp out my frustration. (No, I didn't really stomp on a potato. It's a metaphor. Stay with me haha.)

The other day, I was at O'Charley's and I saw a little girl come in with a cute little dress and her hair in a bow.  That did not bother me (no matter how much I wanted to give that little girl my old Kiss t-shirt). No, what did bother me was that she was about five or six tops and as soon as she sat down, she placed her napkin delicately in her lap with her pinkies out. She refused to drink out of a kid cup. I heard her say, very articulately, "I would like a small glass of water please."

Some of you may be thinking, "Awww. She is a little girl with table manners." Trust me, you wouldn't have thought that if you saw her. Her mom scolded her three times for kicking her feet absentmindedly under the table. I saw her kicking her feet. It was a small little back and forth motion. Do you want to know what her mom said? "Mature young ladies sit properly." I am not even kidding.

That really made me mad. Now, I know that I am not a mother and that yes, kids do need to learn table manners. But getting mad at a little girl for something as small as kicking her feet as they dangled in the air? They weren't even kicking quickly. That's messed up. I've never seen Toddlers in Tiaras, but that is probably exactly what it is like.

I am not a mom yet, but I almost cried when I saw that little girl leave the restaurant. She didn't smile. Every time I looked at her across the isle from me, she was unhappy. Her little eyes were...almost lifeless. As she left, her shoulders slumped and her head dropped, I had never seen anything like it. The last thing I heard from that little girl and her mother was this: "Stand up right now. Walk with your head up. Shoulders back." She replied in her small, high pitched voice, "Yes ma'am."

That broke my heart into so many tiny little pieces. There she was, one of the most adorable little girls I had ever seen, and she looked like she was aged. She looked like she was an adult trapped in the body of a little girl.

It doesn't happen with just girls. I've seen parents tell their sons, "Stop crying. Big boys don't cry."

Am I the only one who thinks that is absolutely ridiculous? The kids are not the issue. The parents play just as large of a role, if not larger. I am sick of it. I am sick of hot potato maturity. I am sick of seeing little kids without smiles. I am sick of seeing little adults at the age of six.

I am 16, and I am still pretty immature. I love that about myself. I love that I enable myself to enjoy things in life that I was supposed to have grown out of. I am mature and immature.

I've talked about keeping your own immaturity and childhood alive before, but now I am telling you to help keep someone else's childhood alive. You'd be surprised at how much of a drastic change a yo-yo can make when the person just lets loose.

Keep A Child Alive is an organization which has the purpose of providing treatment, support, and love to families affected by HIV/AIDS. My own personal campaign is the same words, with a different meaning. Keep a child alive. We are all children. We should remember that.

If you would like to contribute to Keep A Child Alive, the website is below. It is an excellent cause, and it is a cause that is very close to my heart.

http://keepachildalive.org/

International politics?

I'm a bit extreme when it comes to international politics. Sometimes, I'm too biased. Other times, I'm ridiculously passive, which is odd for me. Why am I talking about international politics on a Faith based blog? Well, I'll tell you reader. It's because even though politics and religion do not mix well, no matter how hard some may try, they are the two things in the world I am most passionate about...aside from caring for human lives, of course.

Anyways, my view on international publicity may infuriate some. If this occurs, I'm sorry. But this is how I feel when it comes to publicity of tragic international events:

North Korea gets involved in conflict with South Korea. The entire world is hearing about it. Two are dead, fifteen more are wounded. Twitter and Facebook rings with statuses and tweets asking for people to pray for Korea, and I am all for that.

All right, so now let's go to America. The Healthcare bill is passed, and the people go nuts with either dread or joy. The spotlight of the world falls on America once again.

Now, let's go to Africa. Chad and Sudan are waging an unofficial war. Thousands are involved. Sudan is filled with genocide and rape. But I do not see a single article or tweet about it anymore. The world has forgotten.

Millions of people get HIV and AIDS every year, but where are their prayers? Children die without even having the chance to live, and where are their prayers? Where's their attention from the media? Where are the tweets?

I was told that I would freak out if what happened in South Korea happened in America. Now, I'm going to sound really harsh here, but no. I wouldn't. I'd cry over the lives lost, and pray for them, just as I am doing with South Korea. But I do that with everything. I'm not the issue. The media is.

That's probably a really typical and cliche statement, but it's true. It breaks my heart that the media goes through tragic events, deciding which ones are worth the time and which are not. That is NOT fair. Every event is tragic. All events like that are equal. One doesn't deserve attention more than the other. Who are we to decide which deserve the attention? Who are we to decide which we will pray for and which we will not?

All of them deserve the attention, but not all of them are receiving it. Either make all of them known so that prayers can go out to everyone, or don't even bother giving news at all. I don't care about which is more interesting to you. I care about the people who die. That is what matters. Nothing else.

So don't freak out over the Koreas if you won't spare a freak out to Sudan, or Turkey, or Venezuela, or Myanmar, etc etc. All of them deserve the time of day.

I understand that I probably sound a bit blunt and well...jerkish right now. I just get really frustrated when people announce their prayers for one event and don't pray for the rest of the world too. When you pray, do it silently and for the masses.

One little thing though: If you want to make a difference, don't just sit there and whine (Yes, I realize that this is what I am currently doing, but stay with me here). Go out and DO SOMETHING. Whenever I can do something to help, I do it. No questions asked. Now, I am not a good example of being a good citizen here. I am not a good example of anything, really. But I suppose this is just one request that I have for you so...please? Please do something? It doesn't have to be major, just do something. Anything that can help anyone. I will go with you myself and do it with you. I am not even kidding. I really feel like I can do more anyways.

Compassion has to be fair and equal. There is no point to it if it goes any other way.

So...yeah. That's my little rant for the day. I really hope this didn't make you angry. I can't stand when people get angry with me.

Even if you're mad at me, I love you all :) Seriously. I do.

I always have tadpoles in my shoes.

Obviously, the title caught your attention :D This was the point, so awesome. Yes, this is one of my quotes. No, it did not even makes sense in context. Anyhoo...

I've come to a place of supreme optimism with a side of pessimism and realism. (Like chicken tenders with ketchup AND ranch on the side.) Life gets me down, I feel depressed, and yet ten minutes later, I always feel better. Pretty fantastic, right? I deal with your typical teenage stuff: boys, grades, various hobbies, boys. It's interesting for me to lay awake at night and think "Why on earth am I having issues with the opposite sex? Honestly. Life doesn't have to be nearly as hard as I make it." And yes, I do make my life hard. Right at this very moment, I should be studying for an AP US History test over seven chapters that is...oh, yeah. Tomorrow. And yet here I am, pounding away at these computer keys. The irony is that APUSH is the only reason why I have been fretting over grades. Whoops.

I think God is trying to show me something though. The main thing I've always prided myself on is my grades. I'm little miss straight A's, and that fact has made me feel proud of myself. Being perfect in grades was the only way that I could feel...well...perfect. But I'm not perfect, and I think God is showing me that I can't rely on something like grades to feel good about myself. I have to search within and see all of the wonderful things I have in my life; that is what the source of my happiness should be.

I'm ridiculously happy with my life right now, and I credit it all to God. For the past several weeks, I've struggled with my faith. This is why my posts have started getting shorter and less frequent. Every single time I prayed, a little voice in the back of my head would say "Nobody is listening." Let me just say, it scared the heck out of me. I made God my everything, and I felt like I was slowly but surely letting Him slip away.  My prayers became scripted, the same thing over and over, and I lost hope. I lost sight of who God is. My thought process became, "If nobody is listening, why should I even bother to pray? Why should I live my life for someone who may not exist?"

Now, I'm saying this to be honest with you. Yes, I want to be a missionary. Yes, I want to be one of God's crusaders. However, that does not mean that I will lack doubts. But I believe that as humans, we doubt for a reason. That way, when faith is restored, it only gets stronger and stronger. Praying every night and reading the Bible does not make you a Christian. Overcoming the doubts we face does. 

I can't even describe my entire thought process that I faced during the time where I was...well, agnostic. Yes, for a short time, I became agnostic. Every time I tell someone I want to be a missionary, they say "Oh, I admire your faith." I always say thank you, but those words uttered to me allowed me to get comfortable within myself and not with God. Big mistake.

I don't like talking about this. I don't like showing people my doubts. I don't like throwing myself open like this. Seriously.

I don't fear death anymore. I don't fear germs. I don't fear heights, or small spaces, or sharks. I don't fear my past or that it will catch up with me. I don't fear snakes. No, I don't fear any of that anymore.

I fear being lukewarm. I fear God.

This may confuse you, which is understandable. "What? Janie, who talks about God's love and His grace all the time, fears God? She fears the one who is supposed to be so loving and wonderful? Psh. Some Christian she is."

Yes. I know. But I don't fear God Himself. I don't fear the plans He has for me. I fear not being good enough. I seriously fear being lukewarm. I fear that I preach the wrong things to others. I fear myself.

I told myself that I would rather be cold than lukewarm. So for the past few weeks, I became cold. Ice. And I tried to hide every bit of it. But I'm done with feeling so empty. That's what I felt without God: empty. Like my soul had been drained. I smiled, I laughed. I lived my life the way I thought I wanted to. I've never been so wrong in my entire life.

Christians say that they can't survive without God. This is very true. I cannot live without God. I tried. Lord knows that I tried, and I failed. 

I like trying to be perfect, but God is the only perfect one. So, He is showing me that through my grades. Yes, that probably sounds really stupid, but still. He knows how to reach me, and He did it.

Maybe everything I believe about God is wrong. Maybe I shouldn't be writing this right now. But I'd rather be wrong and believe in God than not believe in Him at all. I am happy. Truly. I am not happy through my friends, who seem to get mad at me several times a day, no matter what I do. I am not happy through boys, no matter how much I wish I could be. I am not happy through my family, no matter how much I love them. I am not happy through grades, no matter how much I loved them. I am not happy through music or acting or anything else I thought I loved. 

I am happy, finally, through God. That's why I don't care that I'm struggling in APUSH. That's why I don't care that I'm not popular. For the first time in my life, I'm optimistic. I feel sad sometimes, obviously, but I feel truly fantastic.

You know, I'm going to continue writing tonight. If I fail the test, I fail. Life goes on. Grades aren't my life anymore. Another post will probably be up soon. I promise to make it more interesting.

So many questions: One answer.

Can I do it? Can I go to Chad and meet all of those beautiful people with beautiful spirits and see them fall out of life into death? Can I adopt those beautiful children and make them my own just to see the pain in their eyes from their past? Can I fill my heart with love only to have an emptiness every time a soul leaves the earth? Can I handle seeing kind spirits with broken bodies that didn't have to be broken? Can I continue to rip apart my heart and have it repeatedly healed, only with scars left behind?

I wish I could say that I am absolutely positive that it is a "yes" on every answer. I wish I could say that I can deal with all of this. I can say, though, that I think I can. I think I can do all of this, because I have Jesus' hand in mine. The cool thing is that right now, one hand is much warmer than the other. Almost as if it's being held. I love when things like this happen, and I love that they're always happening. Constantly. It's my fault that I don't always notice.

I'm not one to let people go. I can love with a fierceness that I didn't even think was possible for me. When I used to think my heart was a block of ice, it actually is an inferno. All of this is because of God. God showed me that I can allow people to stay in my life. I don't have to push away those that hurt me, because every person hurts in a different way.

I'm not brave. I'm not strong. I'm not particularly intelligent or talented. I'm not perfect. One thing I am though,  is special. I was adopted into God's family tree by Christ. Every single person was. But just because we're all in His family doesn't mean that we're interchangeable. Every person is special.

Some days, I hate the privileged life I was given. I hate that it couldn't go to another beautiful soul instead. I find myself asking God why I get to wake up in a warm bed, surrounded by love, while others wake up on the hard ground with sores on their bellies and ache in their hearts. I ask Him this, and the answer is always the same.

"It was meant to be because I will it to be so."

What makes me different, God? Yes, I am unique and special like all of Your other children, but why me? Why can't I suffer too? Why can't I give my existence to someone else? Why do I have to sit here being unappreciative of what I have because I want someone else to have it more? Why, God? Again, the answer is always the same.

"It was meant to be because I will it to be so."

I want so badly to embrace every single person in this world who is hurting. I want to embrace the world and shower it with love. With the love of Jesus. With the knowledge that there are people in the world who love them, just as God loves them.

I hate when I get like this. I hate that I can't seem to get that one phrase into my head, no matter how many times it's the answer I receive. I hate that I'm selfishly selfless. I want someone else to have what I have so badly that I become unappreciative of what I receive. Honestly though, the one thing that gets me more than that is that God still loves me. I'm sitting here bawling about what I have and what others don't and yet God is still here. One hand is still warmer than the other.

Going to Chad will relieve me of having this comfortable existence. That's the most selfish thing I think a person could ever want. I want to help others, so I'm eager to throw away what I have. I want to go to Chad to help others so that I can heal my hurting heart. Helping is my main desire, and I'm using it to heal myself. I'm selfish. So selfish.

I think I can go to Chad and be with all of those heartbreakingly wonderful spirits. I think I can go and not miss what I have now, not because I'm unappreciative, but because I can give others what I used to abhor and love at the same time. I think I can go and be appreciative of what I currently have without missing it when I don't have it anymore. I think I can go and fill myself with human love as much as I fill myself with Heavenly love.

It's going to take time for me to be mature and ready enough. It's going to take time for me to not ask God why I have all of the things I do. It's going to take more lessons from God. It's going to take more heartache and tears. But you know what? I know without an inch of doubt that it will be completely worth it. Not for my own selfish desires, but for those of others. I know that if I were to go now, I'd only be fulfilling my own selfishly selfless desires. What God is showing me though, is that I can want the best for others. I can grant myself that satisfaction because He willed it to be so. God wants me to love and care for those around me. I can get what I want because God wants it too. I can get what I want because God is the one giving it to me. I'm appreciative of that.

When I go to Chad, I will be surrounded by hurt. I will cry myself to sleep. I will feel my heart break. I will be joyful. I will rejoice. I will be healed. I will be filled. I will raise my arms and cry out to God. I will praise Him. I will hold hands with the broken and find that I am definitely one of them. I will love unconditionally.

And for all of these things I will do, I find that I'm already doing them. That is the greatest want God has fulfilled. He will never stop fulfilling, and I will never stop praising Him for it. What I want in Chad is what I want here as well.

So, to my shock, I find that my answer has changed as I have been writing this.

I, Janie Sanford, can and will go to Chad. I will go with my God. I can do this because of Him and Him alone. I can.