Can I do it? Can I go to Chad and meet all of those beautiful people with beautiful spirits and see them fall out of life into death? Can I adopt those beautiful children and make them my own just to see the pain in their eyes from their past? Can I fill my heart with love only to have an emptiness every time a soul leaves the earth? Can I handle seeing kind spirits with broken bodies that didn't have to be broken? Can I continue to rip apart my heart and have it repeatedly healed, only with scars left behind?
I wish I could say that I am absolutely positive that it is a "yes" on every answer. I wish I could say that I can deal with all of this. I can say, though, that I think I can. I think I can do all of this, because I have Jesus' hand in mine. The cool thing is that right now, one hand is much warmer than the other. Almost as if it's being held. I love when things like this happen, and I love that they're always happening. Constantly. It's my fault that I don't always notice.
I'm not one to let people go. I can love with a fierceness that I didn't even think was possible for me. When I used to think my heart was a block of ice, it actually is an inferno. All of this is because of God. God showed me that I can allow people to stay in my life. I don't have to push away those that hurt me, because every person hurts in a different way.
I'm not brave. I'm not strong. I'm not particularly intelligent or talented. I'm not perfect. One thing I am though, is special. I was adopted into God's family tree by Christ. Every single person was. But just because we're all in His family doesn't mean that we're interchangeable. Every person is special.
Some days, I hate the privileged life I was given. I hate that it couldn't go to another beautiful soul instead. I find myself asking God why I get to wake up in a warm bed, surrounded by love, while others wake up on the hard ground with sores on their bellies and ache in their hearts. I ask Him this, and the answer is always the same.
"It was meant to be because I will it to be so."
What makes me different, God? Yes, I am unique and special like all of Your other children, but why me? Why can't I suffer too? Why can't I give my existence to someone else? Why do I have to sit here being unappreciative of what I have because I want someone else to have it more? Why, God? Again, the answer is always the same.
"It was meant to be because I will it to be so."
I want so badly to embrace every single person in this world who is hurting. I want to embrace the world and shower it with love. With the love of Jesus. With the knowledge that there are people in the world who love them, just as God loves them.
I hate when I get like this. I hate that I can't seem to get that one phrase into my head, no matter how many times it's the answer I receive. I hate that I'm selfishly selfless. I want someone else to have what I have so badly that I become unappreciative of what I receive. Honestly though, the one thing that gets me more than that is that God still loves me. I'm sitting here bawling about what I have and what others don't and yet God is still here. One hand is still warmer than the other.
Going to Chad will relieve me of having this comfortable existence. That's the most selfish thing I think a person could ever want. I want to help others, so I'm eager to throw away what I have. I want to go to Chad to help others so that I can heal my hurting heart. Helping is my main desire, and I'm using it to heal myself. I'm selfish. So selfish.
I think I can go to Chad and be with all of those heartbreakingly wonderful spirits. I think I can go and not miss what I have now, not because I'm unappreciative, but because I can give others what I used to abhor and love at the same time. I think I can go and be appreciative of what I currently have without missing it when I don't have it anymore. I think I can go and fill myself with human love as much as I fill myself with Heavenly love.
It's going to take time for me to be mature and ready enough. It's going to take time for me to not ask God why I have all of the things I do. It's going to take more lessons from God. It's going to take more heartache and tears. But you know what? I know without an inch of doubt that it will be completely worth it. Not for my own selfish desires, but for those of others. I know that if I were to go now, I'd only be fulfilling my own selfishly selfless desires. What God is showing me though, is that I can want the best for others. I can grant myself that satisfaction because He willed it to be so. God wants me to love and care for those around me. I can get what I want because God wants it too. I can get what I want because God is the one giving it to me. I'm appreciative of that.
When I go to Chad, I will be surrounded by hurt. I will cry myself to sleep. I will feel my heart break. I will be joyful. I will rejoice. I will be healed. I will be filled. I will raise my arms and cry out to God. I will praise Him. I will hold hands with the broken and find that I am definitely one of them. I will love unconditionally.
And for all of these things I will do, I find that I'm already doing them. That is the greatest want God has fulfilled. He will never stop fulfilling, and I will never stop praising Him for it. What I want in Chad is what I want here as well.
So, to my shock, I find that my answer has changed as I have been writing this.
I, Janie Sanford, can and will go to Chad. I will go with my God. I can do this because of Him and Him alone. I can.
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