Every calm isn't the calm before the storm.

I'm a very paranoid person, sometimes ridiculously so. Maybe it's because I was born this way. Maybe it was because I watched too much Law and Order as a child. All I know is, it gets annoying.

I don't like plain white vans (you know, like workman vans) because I'm paranoid. I don't look into a mirror in the dark because I'm paranoid. I run through my house when I'm home alone so that I can get into my room before anything gets me. So I suppose I use paranoid as a better term for scared and/or cowardly.

A few years ago, I asked my sister about how she could watch scary movies without being terrified. She said "I have faith that if anything were to actually get me, God would take care of me." This was back when my sister was a Christian. When she was my age, her faith astounded me. And here I sit, a Christian, and yet I'm too afraid to take out the trash at night. Maybe it's because I'm still struggling with giving God complete control. Maybe my faith isn't as strong as I hoped.

I know that I'm being stupid for comparing my sister to myself because we are two different people, but sometimes, I just wish I could think like she did when it came to fear.

It scares me to think that I'm a coward, or even a person who wants control. Because I know that part of me wants control over my life. Probably a fair portion too.... But it's the same part of me that Satan reaches when he puts doubts in my mind. I want to be stronger for myself, for God. I want to get rid of that part of me that wants control.

You'd think that I would've grasped the aspect of being "out of control" when I was Called to missions. You'd think that I would've grasped it when I saw my life falling apart around me. But to me, there always seems to be that one part...

The main paranoid fear that I struggle with, though, is that when life is good, something bad is always around the horizon. You know the phrase "the calm before the storm"? Well, I get so paranoid that every calm becomes the calm before the storm.

I'm trying to be grateful for when my life is calm, but I can't seem to let go of that paranoia.

Being a Christian doesn't mean that you're set into who you think you are. If you create a profile of yourself, you stick to it. How would you know if you were underestimating yourself?

Well, there really isn't a way to know. So all that you can do is try to rise above your own expectations. Yes, disappointment is a possibility. But I'm personally going to stick with the thought that though I may be disappointed in myself, God isn't disappointed in my effort. He sees who I am and who I am trying to be for Him. I'm not saying that we should all walk around like we are better than everyone else because frankly, that is just plain wrong and idiotic. (Pardon me if that sounded harsh.) I'm just saying that the only limits we have are the ones we place upon ourselves.

I pray for a life without limits, a life without low expectations. A life that I can always be proud of, no matter how many times I fail.