I've been revisiting this blog for days. I open a blank post window, I give it a title, and I stare at it for five minutes before I get frustrated and give up. This is usually how writing goes for me if I don't have a sudden flash of inspiration. No, this didn't come to me in a flash. I was just frustrated.
This whole day has been frustrating to me I suppose. I'm frustrated by the betrayal within my group of friends. I'm frustrated with false accusations. I'm frustrated that I can't seem to start on my homework, which I know is completely my fault, so therefore I'm frustrated with myself. I'm frustrated with frustration. I'm frustrated that I've said the word "frustrated" so many times. And now, I'm frustrated that I'm whining about it. So I'm sorry to those who are reading this.
I'm just struggling with so much right now. Granted, it could be much worse so I'm being a cry-baby. I'm a very fortunate person, and I know that. I wish that I didn't feel like my back was breaking from all of the stress. I wish that I could close my eyes and tell God that I'm thankful for the struggles and hardships I'm going through. Part of me is thankful, but the other part, the part that is growing louder and louder every second, is just so tired.
I wish that I was the perfect Christian girl, but I'm definitely not. I'm not the person I wish that I could show you. As far as I'm concerned, I might just be one of the worst Followers of Christ. But I guess that's what the beauty of it is: I can be awful and whiny and still be considered a Follower. If that isn't an example of God's Mercy and Grace, I don't know what is.
I'm going to be completely honest here, and some of these things are going to be really hard for me to say, so please bear with me.
I admit, sometimes it's hard for me to remind myself that God is in control. It's hard for me to remember that all of this is happening for a reason. I admit this: I am a selfish person. I want my comfort, I want my routine, I want my rest. I want to clench my fists around all of the things I hold dear so that they don't disappear.
The Main Things I Realize That I Need to Keep in Mind:
- Being a Christian is being out of control and letting God take over.
- Being a Christian means that most of the time, your selfish desires aren't going to happen.
- Being a Christian means that instead of your selfish desires, you'll get something better that you never realized that you wanted.
- Being a Christian is smiling through the pain because you're lucky to have a God who loves you more than anyone ever can.
- Being a Christian is realizing that sometimes, the greatest test of Faith is what you go through every day.
- Being a Christian is sometimes failing that test, but knowing that God is greater than any test you fail.
- Being a Christian is being vulnerable, but letting God be your everlasting armor.
- Being a Christian is being willing to die for the One you love.
- Being a Christian is being imperfect, but showing the world that God loves us anyways.
- Being a Christian means that you can be anyone ( a prostitute, a murderer, a thief, a rapist ) and still be a part of God's plan. (Look at Jesus' Genealogy. He didn't exactly come from kings.)
- Being a Christian is being merely a jar of clay.
- Being a Christian is to (attempt to) lift up your worries to God.
I struggle with these, and I admit it. By admitting it, I am being honest with you so that you can see me without my mask of mortality. So that you can see me the way my God does.
I never claimed to be the perfect Christian. I do claim, however, to be a Christian. I wish that I could be a better one right now, but I'm working on God's time, not my own.
As I write this, I am lifting my worries to God. If you're worried too, just try tying them to a balloon and sending them to Heaven.
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