I always have tadpoles in my shoes.

Obviously, the title caught your attention :D This was the point, so awesome. Yes, this is one of my quotes. No, it did not even makes sense in context. Anyhoo...

I've come to a place of supreme optimism with a side of pessimism and realism. (Like chicken tenders with ketchup AND ranch on the side.) Life gets me down, I feel depressed, and yet ten minutes later, I always feel better. Pretty fantastic, right? I deal with your typical teenage stuff: boys, grades, various hobbies, boys. It's interesting for me to lay awake at night and think "Why on earth am I having issues with the opposite sex? Honestly. Life doesn't have to be nearly as hard as I make it." And yes, I do make my life hard. Right at this very moment, I should be studying for an AP US History test over seven chapters that is...oh, yeah. Tomorrow. And yet here I am, pounding away at these computer keys. The irony is that APUSH is the only reason why I have been fretting over grades. Whoops.

I think God is trying to show me something though. The main thing I've always prided myself on is my grades. I'm little miss straight A's, and that fact has made me feel proud of myself. Being perfect in grades was the only way that I could feel...well...perfect. But I'm not perfect, and I think God is showing me that I can't rely on something like grades to feel good about myself. I have to search within and see all of the wonderful things I have in my life; that is what the source of my happiness should be.

I'm ridiculously happy with my life right now, and I credit it all to God. For the past several weeks, I've struggled with my faith. This is why my posts have started getting shorter and less frequent. Every single time I prayed, a little voice in the back of my head would say "Nobody is listening." Let me just say, it scared the heck out of me. I made God my everything, and I felt like I was slowly but surely letting Him slip away.  My prayers became scripted, the same thing over and over, and I lost hope. I lost sight of who God is. My thought process became, "If nobody is listening, why should I even bother to pray? Why should I live my life for someone who may not exist?"

Now, I'm saying this to be honest with you. Yes, I want to be a missionary. Yes, I want to be one of God's crusaders. However, that does not mean that I will lack doubts. But I believe that as humans, we doubt for a reason. That way, when faith is restored, it only gets stronger and stronger. Praying every night and reading the Bible does not make you a Christian. Overcoming the doubts we face does. 

I can't even describe my entire thought process that I faced during the time where I was...well, agnostic. Yes, for a short time, I became agnostic. Every time I tell someone I want to be a missionary, they say "Oh, I admire your faith." I always say thank you, but those words uttered to me allowed me to get comfortable within myself and not with God. Big mistake.

I don't like talking about this. I don't like showing people my doubts. I don't like throwing myself open like this. Seriously.

I don't fear death anymore. I don't fear germs. I don't fear heights, or small spaces, or sharks. I don't fear my past or that it will catch up with me. I don't fear snakes. No, I don't fear any of that anymore.

I fear being lukewarm. I fear God.

This may confuse you, which is understandable. "What? Janie, who talks about God's love and His grace all the time, fears God? She fears the one who is supposed to be so loving and wonderful? Psh. Some Christian she is."

Yes. I know. But I don't fear God Himself. I don't fear the plans He has for me. I fear not being good enough. I seriously fear being lukewarm. I fear that I preach the wrong things to others. I fear myself.

I told myself that I would rather be cold than lukewarm. So for the past few weeks, I became cold. Ice. And I tried to hide every bit of it. But I'm done with feeling so empty. That's what I felt without God: empty. Like my soul had been drained. I smiled, I laughed. I lived my life the way I thought I wanted to. I've never been so wrong in my entire life.

Christians say that they can't survive without God. This is very true. I cannot live without God. I tried. Lord knows that I tried, and I failed. 

I like trying to be perfect, but God is the only perfect one. So, He is showing me that through my grades. Yes, that probably sounds really stupid, but still. He knows how to reach me, and He did it.

Maybe everything I believe about God is wrong. Maybe I shouldn't be writing this right now. But I'd rather be wrong and believe in God than not believe in Him at all. I am happy. Truly. I am not happy through my friends, who seem to get mad at me several times a day, no matter what I do. I am not happy through boys, no matter how much I wish I could be. I am not happy through my family, no matter how much I love them. I am not happy through grades, no matter how much I loved them. I am not happy through music or acting or anything else I thought I loved. 

I am happy, finally, through God. That's why I don't care that I'm struggling in APUSH. That's why I don't care that I'm not popular. For the first time in my life, I'm optimistic. I feel sad sometimes, obviously, but I feel truly fantastic.

You know, I'm going to continue writing tonight. If I fail the test, I fail. Life goes on. Grades aren't my life anymore. Another post will probably be up soon. I promise to make it more interesting.