I always seem to make wishes that something will happen. I make these wishes thinking that I know what's best for my life. I make them thinking that they will somehow make everything better. I make them thinking that my will is the best way to go.
I'm always wrong. I act on my own accord to make things go my own way, and then I have the insane notion to think that it's God's fault and that He deserves my frustration. I get mad at Him. Why? Because I want someone else to blame besides myself.
Some days, I sit down and I pray for God's will. Not because I don't think it will happen, but because I want to pray that I'll accept His will as the best. At times, I am successful. But I'm going to be honest here and say that I fail. A lot. I keep praying for my own will, not realizing that I'm slapping God in the face by doing so. When I pray for my own will instead of His, I am telling Him to His face that I think I know better than He does.
I know that I need to surrender to His will. Every time I think I've done this, something comes up and Control Freak Janie comes back into the picture. Not on purpose, of course, but because patience and surrendering to God's control are my Faith weaknesses.
Every Faith has its weakness. I have several, but the ones that pop up time after time are patience and the need to surrender absolutely to God when it comes to the timeline that is my life. If the timeline of my life and the timeline of God's plan were put side by side, it'd be impossible to see mine. It's that small.
And yet, I still allow pieces of my self to hold on to the thought that I know what's best for me. You'd think that I'd be able to learn that lesson easily looking back at the countless mistakes I've made in my life, but nope. Here it is again, the recurring theme of most of my posts: I'm stubborn.
I know that most think free will is a gift, and I can see how yes, it can be. But I'm going to be honest here and tell you that sometimes, free will stinks. It's not that I'm totally ungrateful, but sometimes I just wish I could allow my stubborn self to remember (all the time) that God is the one that knows what's up. Not me.
The strange thing is, I'm not sure if this is a crack in my Faith that I want to fix. Now, before you freak out, let me explain.
Through my flaws, through everyone's flaws, God's glory shines through. Being Saved isn't the act of being perfected. It's the act of being loved by something FOR our imperfections, instead of in spite of them. Believe it or not, God uses your flaws to bring Himself glory. So don't hate your flaws. Embrace them, because God can't shine through without them.
I struggle with embracing my flaws. I admit that. But my stubbornness, my impatience, and my control freak nature all bring God glory. Sometimes, it's hard to see how, but it's true. Why would God seek glory through perfection when He is already perfect? You can't perfect perfection. What is amazing is that God's light can be seen through such imperfect surfaces. What brings God more glory: having a ton of people as perfect as Jesus walking around, or sending Jesus to die for a species filled with countless flaws? My answer is the latter.
God is perfect. Yes, that makes Him awesome. But what makes Him even better is that He isn't stuck up about it. He doesn't say, "Because I am flawless and you are not, I can't love you." He says, "You're riddled with flaws, but that's just how I like it, and I love you for it."
He doesn't love us in spite of our flaws. He loves us for our flaws. He made us flawed. Why would He want us to attempt to be any other way?
So yes, I struggle with wanting my own will. I struggle with impatience. I struggle with stubbornness. I struggle with getting mad at Him when He does what He wants, but those are my flaws. Through those flaws, I know that God's grace and light can shine through.
I am not seeking a perfect Faith or a perfect life. I am seeking a chance to love myself because He loves me. I am seeking the opportunity to bring the One I love the most the glory He deserves. I am seeking the chance to use my imperfections to glorify God. I am seeking a life where I can sit here and get mad at myself for getting mad at God, and yet still feel His love.
The beauty of all of that seeking is that I already have it right in front of me. I may close my eyes to it at times, but it's always there.
I don't know about you, but I think that's pretty darn awesome. I know this is a huge understatement, but God is truly amazing. Everything I am, everything I'm not, everything I want to be, and everything I will be all come from Him. All of it. I may hate my flaws at times, but I know that makes and will make me more grateful.
God doesn't hate you for your flaws. He loves you for them. If He can love you, you can love yourself too. Don't put yourself down because you aren't perfect enough for God. He doesn't want perfection from you. If He did, He would've made you perfect.
I struggle with that. I struggle with loving my flaws (as you may have seen in some of my other posts). But I guess that's just another flaw that I'll learn to love :)
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Monday, January 24, 2011
This just made my day.
So I was researching for my AP US History project about Philanthropy and a very small article popped up in Google. I was curious, so I clicked the link, and this is what I found:
"One of the saddest things I've heard came from a woman, about ten years ago, who approached me after I returned from visiting our mission work in Asia. This woman, a grandma, said she thought it was neat that I was able to go, and said, 'When I was young, I felt God calling me to be a missionary. But, well, I ended up getting married and having kids, and it never happened.' There was a definite tone of regret in her voice. She had lived a good life. But...what might have been? I think that question still plagued her, 40 years later. Instead of pursuing a glorious calling, she got married and raised good kids, who are now also raising good kids, and I'm sure those kids will grow up and raise good kids. Good, successful, comfortable, respectable, non-risk-taking kids. Which is better: that our society have all of these good church-going progeny, or that instead this woman, as a scared but obedient young woman, had gone to Africa and perhaps died there a few years later?"
I can't really explain why this touches my heart, but it does. Probably because I know what this woman went through and the choice she had to make because I am currently making that choice. For me, I know that not being a missionary isn't an option. It's a part of who I am. But what if I changed my mind? (Which, I won't, but I'm speaking hypothetically.)
I don't begrudge this woman her decision. I truly don't. Why? Because I know how hard that decision is. I may be 16, but the same question pops into my head every day: What would I become if I didn't go to Africa?
"One of the saddest things I've heard came from a woman, about ten years ago, who approached me after I returned from visiting our mission work in Asia. This woman, a grandma, said she thought it was neat that I was able to go, and said, 'When I was young, I felt God calling me to be a missionary. But, well, I ended up getting married and having kids, and it never happened.' There was a definite tone of regret in her voice. She had lived a good life. But...what might have been? I think that question still plagued her, 40 years later. Instead of pursuing a glorious calling, she got married and raised good kids, who are now also raising good kids, and I'm sure those kids will grow up and raise good kids. Good, successful, comfortable, respectable, non-risk-taking kids. Which is better: that our society have all of these good church-going progeny, or that instead this woman, as a scared but obedient young woman, had gone to Africa and perhaps died there a few years later?"
I can't really explain why this touches my heart, but it does. Probably because I know what this woman went through and the choice she had to make because I am currently making that choice. For me, I know that not being a missionary isn't an option. It's a part of who I am. But what if I changed my mind? (Which, I won't, but I'm speaking hypothetically.)
I don't begrudge this woman her decision. I truly don't. Why? Because I know how hard that decision is. I may be 16, but the same question pops into my head every day: What would I become if I didn't go to Africa?
I know that I can't give you an answer because I am afraid to imagine it. I am afraid of being tempted to change my mind. Actually, afraid is an understatement. I'm terrified.
I wish I could meet this woman. I want to hug her.
I wish I could meet this woman. I want to hug her.
Friday, January 21, 2011
Self worth is a really touchy subject.
I have this problem with never feeling good enough. Not just for God (which is obviously extremely true) but for anyone or anything. I read passages in the Bible talking about God's grace and mercy and love, and all the while I just think, "There is no way I deserve this. Not at all."
I read passages that state how I'm His child and that I am His heir, and I am just rendered speechless. Times like those make me pick out every single flaw that I have and stack them in my hands, presenting them to God so that He can see if He made a mistake or not.
Of course, He didn't. But that doesn't mean that it doesn't feel that way. I feel like there is no way God could love me. I'm too flawed. Too stubborn.
And yet, here I am in utter disbelief. I guess it's both bad and good disbelief, but it's disbelief all the same.
You see, I have this issue with self worth. I have a home, and I don't deserve it. I have friends, and I definitely do not deserve them. I have opportunities, and I don't deserve them. I am God's child, and I do not deserve this honor.
The thing that stinks about this is that it isn't that I lack self esteem. It's that I know all of these things are absolutely true, and I allow myself to sit in disbelief instead of appreciation. Sure, I am appreciative of all of these things, but I am often struck into silence by the fact that I am undeserving of everything I have received.
Maybe this knowledge will make me even more appreciative, but right now, it honestly just hurts. It hurts to know that I'll never be good enough. It hurts to know that the one person I want to deserve the most, God, is the one person I will never be good enough for. The thing that hurts even more than that is that I'll never be capable of loving Him as much as He loves me. He loves more than words can say.
I am not good enough for anything I have received, and yet I still received it anyways. If this isn't a testament to God's glory, I don't know what is.
I beg this of you: Allow yourself to be appreciative. God didn't have to create you and love you, you know. But don't be like me. Don't wallow in it. You'll spare yourself a lot of pain that way.
I read passages that state how I'm His child and that I am His heir, and I am just rendered speechless. Times like those make me pick out every single flaw that I have and stack them in my hands, presenting them to God so that He can see if He made a mistake or not.
Of course, He didn't. But that doesn't mean that it doesn't feel that way. I feel like there is no way God could love me. I'm too flawed. Too stubborn.
And yet, here I am in utter disbelief. I guess it's both bad and good disbelief, but it's disbelief all the same.
You see, I have this issue with self worth. I have a home, and I don't deserve it. I have friends, and I definitely do not deserve them. I have opportunities, and I don't deserve them. I am God's child, and I do not deserve this honor.
The thing that stinks about this is that it isn't that I lack self esteem. It's that I know all of these things are absolutely true, and I allow myself to sit in disbelief instead of appreciation. Sure, I am appreciative of all of these things, but I am often struck into silence by the fact that I am undeserving of everything I have received.
Maybe this knowledge will make me even more appreciative, but right now, it honestly just hurts. It hurts to know that I'll never be good enough. It hurts to know that the one person I want to deserve the most, God, is the one person I will never be good enough for. The thing that hurts even more than that is that I'll never be capable of loving Him as much as He loves me. He loves more than words can say.
I am not good enough for anything I have received, and yet I still received it anyways. If this isn't a testament to God's glory, I don't know what is.
I beg this of you: Allow yourself to be appreciative. God didn't have to create you and love you, you know. But don't be like me. Don't wallow in it. You'll spare yourself a lot of pain that way.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
I think my literature is lacking.
To be honest, I'm not somebody who regularly dives into my Bible, thirsting for something new. I don't have the books of the Bible memorized, and I don't know all of the stories some kids hear so much, they get tired of them when they're little.
But I want to dive into my Bible. Every day, I tell myself, "This is the day I will start to read my Bible every day. This is the day I will soak up everything in my Bible like a sponge." I tell myself that, but I'm pretty good at lying to myself. It's not that I don't want to dive into it. (Believe me, I want to.) I just get so caught up in homework or family stuff or attempts to actually sleep for once. I allow myself to make these excuses for myself, saying that God loves me anyways. Which, He does. But, that does not mean that He doesn't deserve better from me. I know for a fact that I'll never be able to deserve the love God has for me, but that doesn't mean that I should put any less than my all into this.
I'm not giving my all, and I absolutely hate that.
My Bible sits on my nightstand day by day, just begging to be opened. Begging to be read and loved. But my AP US History flash cards sit perched on top of that Bible, the perfect image of how I've let my priorities slip. I have put something before God, which obviously is a huge no-no.
I don't think I can even describe how much it hurts to admit this to myself. I can't even describe how much I wish that I could be absolutely everything God deserves. But since I know that I can't deserve Him, I think I've let that become an excuse for not putting my all into my relationship with Him. It's not an excuse. If anything, it's a reason to be more motivated since I am an extremely stubborn person.
I want to change this. I want to be able to promise God that I will put my all into this now and forever. But you want to know why I won't let myself do that? Because I'm terrified of making a promise to God that I can't keep. I lie to myself, but I refuse to lie to God. And when you make a promise to Him that has even the slightest chance of not being kept, you're lying to Him.
I know that I can be better than this. I know that the passion I have for Him can be so much stronger. I know that I am capable of better. I know that my love for Him should be my best feature, and since I can't observe myself from the outside, I don't know if I have made it my best feature yet.
I know that I need to soak up that Bible like a sponge and apply it into my life in every possible way. I want to do this so much that I don't think I can even fully describe the shame I currently feel for not giving Him my all. God deserves so much more than me. The least I can give Him is my life.
No, I don't know all of the stories in the Bible that some kids know when they're seven. But I do know that I am fully capable of changing this. I know that I am capable of more.
It's like my favorite lyric from my favorite Worship song: Oh, Child by Nevertheless. It's in God's perspective, and it says, "Oh, love, I'm only asking for your life."
He only asking for our lives. Only. As in He knows He deserves more, but He's only asking for our miniscule lives. And yes, in comparison to His plan, we are microscopic. But God is so great that He loves every single microscopic spec.
God, I know that You deserve better. I'm sorry that I can only give You my life, since I know that You deserve more. I'm also sorry that I know I can't promise You to give You my all every second of my life. However, I can promise that I know you deserve more than this, and I am absolutely going to try to give You the tiny thing You ask from me: my life.
But I want to dive into my Bible. Every day, I tell myself, "This is the day I will start to read my Bible every day. This is the day I will soak up everything in my Bible like a sponge." I tell myself that, but I'm pretty good at lying to myself. It's not that I don't want to dive into it. (Believe me, I want to.) I just get so caught up in homework or family stuff or attempts to actually sleep for once. I allow myself to make these excuses for myself, saying that God loves me anyways. Which, He does. But, that does not mean that He doesn't deserve better from me. I know for a fact that I'll never be able to deserve the love God has for me, but that doesn't mean that I should put any less than my all into this.
I'm not giving my all, and I absolutely hate that.
My Bible sits on my nightstand day by day, just begging to be opened. Begging to be read and loved. But my AP US History flash cards sit perched on top of that Bible, the perfect image of how I've let my priorities slip. I have put something before God, which obviously is a huge no-no.
I don't think I can even describe how much it hurts to admit this to myself. I can't even describe how much I wish that I could be absolutely everything God deserves. But since I know that I can't deserve Him, I think I've let that become an excuse for not putting my all into my relationship with Him. It's not an excuse. If anything, it's a reason to be more motivated since I am an extremely stubborn person.
I want to change this. I want to be able to promise God that I will put my all into this now and forever. But you want to know why I won't let myself do that? Because I'm terrified of making a promise to God that I can't keep. I lie to myself, but I refuse to lie to God. And when you make a promise to Him that has even the slightest chance of not being kept, you're lying to Him.
I know that I can be better than this. I know that the passion I have for Him can be so much stronger. I know that I am capable of better. I know that my love for Him should be my best feature, and since I can't observe myself from the outside, I don't know if I have made it my best feature yet.
I know that I need to soak up that Bible like a sponge and apply it into my life in every possible way. I want to do this so much that I don't think I can even fully describe the shame I currently feel for not giving Him my all. God deserves so much more than me. The least I can give Him is my life.
No, I don't know all of the stories in the Bible that some kids know when they're seven. But I do know that I am fully capable of changing this. I know that I am capable of more.
It's like my favorite lyric from my favorite Worship song: Oh, Child by Nevertheless. It's in God's perspective, and it says, "Oh, love, I'm only asking for your life."
He only asking for our lives. Only. As in He knows He deserves more, but He's only asking for our miniscule lives. And yes, in comparison to His plan, we are microscopic. But God is so great that He loves every single microscopic spec.
God, I know that You deserve better. I'm sorry that I can only give You my life, since I know that You deserve more. I'm also sorry that I know I can't promise You to give You my all every second of my life. However, I can promise that I know you deserve more than this, and I am absolutely going to try to give You the tiny thing You ask from me: my life.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Music, Music, Music, Music, and Music :D
Alright so believe it or not, I have been asked many times what my favorite worship music is and what style/genre it is. Therefore, I decided to put all of my favorites up here. Some of them are in the playlist actually ON my blog, but most are not (Mainly because I was too lazy to go through playlist.com to add so many songs).
You may know them, you may not. But I love them :) Maybe you're not interested in this? I don't know. However, worship music was the first thing that made me feel like I was forming a connection with God, so it's obviously extremely important to me. Plus, I'm a music nerd....
Anyhoo, look these up if you wish. But don't just listen to the music in general. Dive into the lyrics and apply them to your heart. That's what worship is for, after all: to praise God and to write these lyrics on your heart. (Not literally, of course. You'd have to rip out your heart, and even then you wouldn't be able to do any writing.) But these are in no particular order. I know it's a lot, but they're all great. I love a lot of non-recorded songs too, but obviously I couldn't put them on here. And I probably left more of my favorites off of this by accident. Let me know if you have any suggestions for me!
Indescribable - Chris Tomlin (I have a distinct memory of falling onto my knees and sobbing while singing this song. Seriously.)
All Creatures of Our God and King - David Crowder Band
Beautiful One - Jeremy Camp
Take Me In - Kutless
Amazing Grace (My Chains Are Gone) - Chris Tomlin
In Christ Alone - Newsboys (I also have a memory of crying to this song. Obviously, I cry when songs really touch my heart.)
Strong Tower - Kutless
The Stand - Hillsong United
Give You Glory - Jeremy Camp
Praise And Adore - Wavorly
Surrender - BarlowGirl
You're Not Alone - Meredith Andrews (For the record, her voice is phenominal!)
How Great Is Our God - Chris Tomlin
Breathe Into Me - Red
Promise Of a Lifetime - Kutless
Everything - Tim Hughes
You Are Everything - Matthew West
Tonight - Jeremy Camp
Glorious One - Fee
Jesus Paid It All - Kristian Stanfill
Porcelain Heart - BarlowGirl
God Of This City - Chris Tomlin
From The Inside Out - Hillsong United
Our God - Chris Tomlin
Stand Up - Fireflight
All Around Me - Flyleaf
Praise You In This Storm - Casting Crowns (This one is dedicated to my non-biological mommy, Cassie. I love you!)
Sweetly Broken - Jeremy Riddle
Everything - Lifehouse (If you've never seen the Everything Skit, I highly highly suggest that you watch it.)
You Invite Me In - Meredith Andrews
Take Me As I Am - FM Static
My Savior - Sarah Reeves
A Mighty Fortress - Christy Nockels
Coming Back - Ben Cantelon
Never Alone - BarlowGirl (Personally, I prefer the acoustic version.)
Father, Spirit, Jesus - Casting Crowns
Now, these last two are my absolute favorites of all time because they literally changed my life. I never doubt the power of worship music because I've shown these two songs to people, and they've passed them on, and then these songs changed the lives of people I would not have expected. Never underestimate the power of Worship.
Cannons - Phil Wickam
Oh, Child - Nevertheless (This one is a song from God to us. It's a little twist, and I LOVE it.)
Now, anybody can write a worship song. But it's your choice on which songs you write on your heart.
Again, please let me know if you have any suggestions for me :) I love getting new music.
You may know them, you may not. But I love them :) Maybe you're not interested in this? I don't know. However, worship music was the first thing that made me feel like I was forming a connection with God, so it's obviously extremely important to me. Plus, I'm a music nerd....
Anyhoo, look these up if you wish. But don't just listen to the music in general. Dive into the lyrics and apply them to your heart. That's what worship is for, after all: to praise God and to write these lyrics on your heart. (Not literally, of course. You'd have to rip out your heart, and even then you wouldn't be able to do any writing.) But these are in no particular order. I know it's a lot, but they're all great. I love a lot of non-recorded songs too, but obviously I couldn't put them on here. And I probably left more of my favorites off of this by accident. Let me know if you have any suggestions for me!
Indescribable - Chris Tomlin (I have a distinct memory of falling onto my knees and sobbing while singing this song. Seriously.)
All Creatures of Our God and King - David Crowder Band
Beautiful One - Jeremy Camp
Take Me In - Kutless
Amazing Grace (My Chains Are Gone) - Chris Tomlin
In Christ Alone - Newsboys (I also have a memory of crying to this song. Obviously, I cry when songs really touch my heart.)
Strong Tower - Kutless
The Stand - Hillsong United
Give You Glory - Jeremy Camp
Praise And Adore - Wavorly
Surrender - BarlowGirl
You're Not Alone - Meredith Andrews (For the record, her voice is phenominal!)
How Great Is Our God - Chris Tomlin
Breathe Into Me - Red
Promise Of a Lifetime - Kutless
Everything - Tim Hughes
You Are Everything - Matthew West
Tonight - Jeremy Camp
Glorious One - Fee
Jesus Paid It All - Kristian Stanfill
Porcelain Heart - BarlowGirl
God Of This City - Chris Tomlin
From The Inside Out - Hillsong United
Our God - Chris Tomlin
Stand Up - Fireflight
All Around Me - Flyleaf
Praise You In This Storm - Casting Crowns (This one is dedicated to my non-biological mommy, Cassie. I love you!)
Sweetly Broken - Jeremy Riddle
Everything - Lifehouse (If you've never seen the Everything Skit, I highly highly suggest that you watch it.)
You Invite Me In - Meredith Andrews
Take Me As I Am - FM Static
My Savior - Sarah Reeves
A Mighty Fortress - Christy Nockels
Coming Back - Ben Cantelon
Never Alone - BarlowGirl (Personally, I prefer the acoustic version.)
Father, Spirit, Jesus - Casting Crowns
Now, these last two are my absolute favorites of all time because they literally changed my life. I never doubt the power of worship music because I've shown these two songs to people, and they've passed them on, and then these songs changed the lives of people I would not have expected. Never underestimate the power of Worship.
Cannons - Phil Wickam
Oh, Child - Nevertheless (This one is a song from God to us. It's a little twist, and I LOVE it.)
Now, anybody can write a worship song. But it's your choice on which songs you write on your heart.
Again, please let me know if you have any suggestions for me :) I love getting new music.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
If you asked me to pick myself out of a crowd, I probably couldn't do it.
Not my outer self, obviously. I could find that easily...or at least I hope I could. I'm talking about my inner self. You know, the real me.
I am 16 years old, and I am having an identity crisis. Yes, that's right. I have no clue who I am or what I'm doing or even why I do the things I do. I have no idea who I truly am. It seems like the only sure thing I know about myself is that I'm going to Chad. Everything else, I have no clue. God and Chad are my absolutes, and everything else is practically unknown.
Apparently this is normal? I personally wouldn't know because I have no theories on what normal is, but I'll just go with it.
For the past several years (honestly, ever since I was Saved), I've had no idea who I am, and I just couldn't admit it to myself. I spent my time trying to create a personality for myself that I hoped and prayed would fit. Heck, I wasn't even just one personality. During that time, I was several different people, and I always told the people who noticed that I was "changing" or "getting better", when really I just had no clue who I was or who I was supposed to be.
I made up these different personalities because out of all that I wasn't in control of in my life, I wanted to be in control of who I was. I wanted to have one thing that was actually my handiwork. I couldn't let myself be okay with not knowing myself. I was too stubborn to realize that things like that aren't bad.
To be honest, I still deal with this every day of my life. I can only think of two times when I was completely sure of who I was, and they didn't last long. I forgot all about who I was afterwards. Now, I want to be okay with being out of control of who I am. I really do, but I know for sure that I'm too dang stubborn to let that illusion of control go quite so easily.
I figure that it should be like this: God made me. He Saved me. He Called me. Surely who I really am wouldn't be that bad, otherwise why would He even bother Calling me? Why would He even bother Saving me? But God works in mysterious ways, I guess.
I don't want to be a "bad" person in my own eyes. In fact, that's probably one of my worst fears. I want to like who I am and actually be proud of it. Maybe I'll reach that point soon, maybe not. But I just want to be who God wants me to be, because surely He wouldn't Call me if I was a complete jerk...right? Or, if I am a complete jerk, surely He wouldn't Call me if He didn't see that I could change that.
Ugh. I really just don't know anymore.
I need to let God be in control of this aspect of my life too. I don't want to fight with Him over something as stupid as my true self. He has control over everything else in my life, so why am I holding on to this so tightly? Well, I don't have an answer as to why. I really don't.
I don't want this identity crisis to affect those around me, but I can tell that it already has. In the years that I've been "changing" or "getting better", I've seen people I know, people I love, being hurt by it. Frankly, I really hate that.
Maybe I don't know who I am, but maybe the people who love me (I know, hard to believe people would actually love such a crazy mess haha) know who I really am. I don't think they would love me if they didn't have anything substantial to love. But then again, what do I know? Love is the most difficult subject for me to pin down, because it's pretty much ridiculously complex.
No, I don't know who I am. Yes, I can feel part of myself trying to maintain control over who I am. No, I will not let that part win.
I cannot and will not allow myself to remain in control. That control doesn't belong to me. Yes, it's extremely scary for me. In fact, scary is probably an understatement, but I'm going in this afraid. Hopefully, I come out even stronger because of it.
I'm done playing tug of war with God over who I am. Now, I'm not saying that I won't fail to relinquish the rope to Him, but I am saying that I'm at least making the effort, and that counts in my book.
I'm a 16 year old girl, and I don't know who I am. But through God and God alone, I intend to find out.
I am 16 years old, and I am having an identity crisis. Yes, that's right. I have no clue who I am or what I'm doing or even why I do the things I do. I have no idea who I truly am. It seems like the only sure thing I know about myself is that I'm going to Chad. Everything else, I have no clue. God and Chad are my absolutes, and everything else is practically unknown.
Apparently this is normal? I personally wouldn't know because I have no theories on what normal is, but I'll just go with it.
For the past several years (honestly, ever since I was Saved), I've had no idea who I am, and I just couldn't admit it to myself. I spent my time trying to create a personality for myself that I hoped and prayed would fit. Heck, I wasn't even just one personality. During that time, I was several different people, and I always told the people who noticed that I was "changing" or "getting better", when really I just had no clue who I was or who I was supposed to be.
I made up these different personalities because out of all that I wasn't in control of in my life, I wanted to be in control of who I was. I wanted to have one thing that was actually my handiwork. I couldn't let myself be okay with not knowing myself. I was too stubborn to realize that things like that aren't bad.
To be honest, I still deal with this every day of my life. I can only think of two times when I was completely sure of who I was, and they didn't last long. I forgot all about who I was afterwards. Now, I want to be okay with being out of control of who I am. I really do, but I know for sure that I'm too dang stubborn to let that illusion of control go quite so easily.
I figure that it should be like this: God made me. He Saved me. He Called me. Surely who I really am wouldn't be that bad, otherwise why would He even bother Calling me? Why would He even bother Saving me? But God works in mysterious ways, I guess.
I don't want to be a "bad" person in my own eyes. In fact, that's probably one of my worst fears. I want to like who I am and actually be proud of it. Maybe I'll reach that point soon, maybe not. But I just want to be who God wants me to be, because surely He wouldn't Call me if I was a complete jerk...right? Or, if I am a complete jerk, surely He wouldn't Call me if He didn't see that I could change that.
Ugh. I really just don't know anymore.
I need to let God be in control of this aspect of my life too. I don't want to fight with Him over something as stupid as my true self. He has control over everything else in my life, so why am I holding on to this so tightly? Well, I don't have an answer as to why. I really don't.
I don't want this identity crisis to affect those around me, but I can tell that it already has. In the years that I've been "changing" or "getting better", I've seen people I know, people I love, being hurt by it. Frankly, I really hate that.
Maybe I don't know who I am, but maybe the people who love me (I know, hard to believe people would actually love such a crazy mess haha) know who I really am. I don't think they would love me if they didn't have anything substantial to love. But then again, what do I know? Love is the most difficult subject for me to pin down, because it's pretty much ridiculously complex.
No, I don't know who I am. Yes, I can feel part of myself trying to maintain control over who I am. No, I will not let that part win.
I cannot and will not allow myself to remain in control. That control doesn't belong to me. Yes, it's extremely scary for me. In fact, scary is probably an understatement, but I'm going in this afraid. Hopefully, I come out even stronger because of it.
I'm done playing tug of war with God over who I am. Now, I'm not saying that I won't fail to relinquish the rope to Him, but I am saying that I'm at least making the effort, and that counts in my book.
I'm a 16 year old girl, and I don't know who I am. But through God and God alone, I intend to find out.
Friday, January 14, 2011
This confusion is kind of getting ridiculous.
Sometimes, I think I enjoy the idea of going to Africa a little bit too much. I have a beaded bracelet with "N'Djamena" on it. I have Chad's flag proudly in my bedroom. I do the research for fun. I dream about walking through the villages there. Seriously, that's all the dream is. Just me walking across the sand and smiling at those around me.
Shouldn't something like going to a third world country for the rest of my life be more of a sacrifice for me? Shouldn't I agonize over this every night, wondering how I can possibly go there and leave the place I've lived my entire life? Shouldn't this be harder for me?
Well, it used to be, I suppose. But I guess I've gotten to the point where I can't possibly imagine my life any other way. Every time I think of my future, it's in Africa. Not Nashville, not Memphis, not Panama City, not Boston.
I'm not saying that it isn't hard...just that I thought picturing it would be harder. Don't get me wrong, I'll definitely miss America and my friends and family, but why isn't this torture for me? Why does Africa seem like such a piece of cake to me now, when to everyone else it's an old cracker? America is the stereotypical piece of cake, the desert that many crave. So why is Chad that piece of cake to me instead of America?
I can't describe it. But I suppose if I tried to...it'd be like Chad and I are a package deal. Going to Chad is a part of me. I wouldn't be...well...me without it.
I know that actually going there will be more difficult than I think. I know that it will be a struggle in every definition of the word...but how am I so okay with that? How am I able to sit here and think about it and smile? I'll be surrounded by danger and death and suffering, and yet I can't think of any place I'd rather be. I'm pretty sure that's about as masochistic as it gets.
Again, I'm not saying this is easy. But...is this just because I welcome a challenge or something? I mean, honestly. God, help me out here. Is this just a testament to how weird I am? Is this supposed to showcase my stubbornness when faced with a challenge? Is it, God? Is it?
Obviously, I'm extremely confused. I thought I was going to continue to struggle with this, but here I am. It's not even a struggle to me anymore. It's more like a fleeting thought of danger followed by an overwhelming amount of excitement. All of this is changing so quickly. I get a new perspective on this subject every single day. Quite frankly, I know I'm overthinking it. But that's what I do. I overthink things, hoping that an answer will magically fall into my lap.
I don't know what's going on with me anymore. I've been excited ever since I received my Calling, but it wasn't like this. Never like this. The excitement was tinted with the danger and the effort it would take to leave everything behind. And yet now, I hardly feel any of that anymore. Just the excitement.
Maybe this is my way of being optimistic? Which, frankly, is a pretty crappy form of optimism. But who knows? I sure as heck don't.
I guess I'm just baffled by how easy it's become to see myself in Africa. It's the most difficult thing to me to imagine myself anywhere else. Honestly, that scares me. I don't know why, but it does. Maybe it's because I get scared easily when I feel this strong of an emotion, I have no clue. But all I know is that I think this should be harder for me...and yet, it isn't.
Perhaps this attitude is a gift from God because I know that it's very rare for an attitude like this to come from just me. But maybe there's a catch to all of this? UGH. I just don't know. I thought the possibility of being murdered as soon as I got there was the catch, but maybe that's completely wrong.
Again, I'm obviously very confused. I don't know if I'm writing this to vent or for prayer, but I'm writing it. And I'm sure that all of this confusion sounds extremely crazy. If it makes you feel any better, it makes a lot less sense in my own head.
I don't know how to feel about all of these feelings (Yep, definitely overthinking this).
My hands are open, God. I know it's highly highly unlikely, but I would love if some answers would fall into them.
Shouldn't something like going to a third world country for the rest of my life be more of a sacrifice for me? Shouldn't I agonize over this every night, wondering how I can possibly go there and leave the place I've lived my entire life? Shouldn't this be harder for me?
Well, it used to be, I suppose. But I guess I've gotten to the point where I can't possibly imagine my life any other way. Every time I think of my future, it's in Africa. Not Nashville, not Memphis, not Panama City, not Boston.
I'm not saying that it isn't hard...just that I thought picturing it would be harder. Don't get me wrong, I'll definitely miss America and my friends and family, but why isn't this torture for me? Why does Africa seem like such a piece of cake to me now, when to everyone else it's an old cracker? America is the stereotypical piece of cake, the desert that many crave. So why is Chad that piece of cake to me instead of America?
I can't describe it. But I suppose if I tried to...it'd be like Chad and I are a package deal. Going to Chad is a part of me. I wouldn't be...well...me without it.
I know that actually going there will be more difficult than I think. I know that it will be a struggle in every definition of the word...but how am I so okay with that? How am I able to sit here and think about it and smile? I'll be surrounded by danger and death and suffering, and yet I can't think of any place I'd rather be. I'm pretty sure that's about as masochistic as it gets.
Again, I'm not saying this is easy. But...is this just because I welcome a challenge or something? I mean, honestly. God, help me out here. Is this just a testament to how weird I am? Is this supposed to showcase my stubbornness when faced with a challenge? Is it, God? Is it?
Obviously, I'm extremely confused. I thought I was going to continue to struggle with this, but here I am. It's not even a struggle to me anymore. It's more like a fleeting thought of danger followed by an overwhelming amount of excitement. All of this is changing so quickly. I get a new perspective on this subject every single day. Quite frankly, I know I'm overthinking it. But that's what I do. I overthink things, hoping that an answer will magically fall into my lap.
I don't know what's going on with me anymore. I've been excited ever since I received my Calling, but it wasn't like this. Never like this. The excitement was tinted with the danger and the effort it would take to leave everything behind. And yet now, I hardly feel any of that anymore. Just the excitement.
Maybe this is my way of being optimistic? Which, frankly, is a pretty crappy form of optimism. But who knows? I sure as heck don't.
I guess I'm just baffled by how easy it's become to see myself in Africa. It's the most difficult thing to me to imagine myself anywhere else. Honestly, that scares me. I don't know why, but it does. Maybe it's because I get scared easily when I feel this strong of an emotion, I have no clue. But all I know is that I think this should be harder for me...and yet, it isn't.
Perhaps this attitude is a gift from God because I know that it's very rare for an attitude like this to come from just me. But maybe there's a catch to all of this? UGH. I just don't know. I thought the possibility of being murdered as soon as I got there was the catch, but maybe that's completely wrong.
Again, I'm obviously very confused. I don't know if I'm writing this to vent or for prayer, but I'm writing it. And I'm sure that all of this confusion sounds extremely crazy. If it makes you feel any better, it makes a lot less sense in my own head.
I don't know how to feel about all of these feelings (Yep, definitely overthinking this).
My hands are open, God. I know it's highly highly unlikely, but I would love if some answers would fall into them.
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