If you asked me to pick myself out of a crowd, I probably couldn't do it.

Not my outer self, obviously. I could find that easily...or at least I hope I could. I'm talking about my inner self. You know, the real me.

I am 16 years old, and I am having an identity crisis. Yes, that's right. I have no clue who I am or what I'm doing or even why I do the things I do. I have no idea who I truly am. It seems like the only sure thing I know about myself is that I'm going to Chad. Everything else, I have no clue. God and Chad are my absolutes, and everything else is practically unknown.

Apparently this is normal? I personally wouldn't know because I have no theories on what normal is, but I'll just go with it.

For the past several years (honestly, ever since I was Saved), I've had no idea who I am, and I just couldn't admit it to myself. I spent my time trying to create a personality for myself that I hoped and prayed would fit. Heck, I wasn't even just one personality. During that time, I was several different people, and I always told the people who noticed that I was "changing" or "getting better", when really I just had no clue who I was or who I was supposed to be.

I made up these different personalities because out of all that I wasn't in control of in my life, I wanted to be in control of who I was. I wanted to have one thing that was actually my handiwork. I couldn't let myself be okay with not knowing myself. I was too stubborn to realize that things like that aren't bad.

To be honest, I still deal with this every day of my life. I can only think of two times when I was completely sure of who I was, and they didn't last long. I forgot all about who I was afterwards. Now, I want to be okay with being out of control of who I am. I really do, but I know for sure that I'm too dang stubborn to let that illusion of control go quite so easily.

I figure that it should be like this: God made me. He Saved me. He Called me. Surely who I really am wouldn't be that bad, otherwise why would He even bother Calling me? Why would He even bother Saving me? But God works in mysterious ways, I guess.

I don't want to be a "bad" person in my own eyes. In fact, that's probably one of my worst fears. I want to like who I am and actually be proud of it. Maybe I'll reach that point soon, maybe not. But I just want to be who God wants me to be, because surely He wouldn't Call me if I was a complete jerk...right? Or, if I am a complete jerk, surely He wouldn't Call me if He didn't see that I could change that.

Ugh. I really just don't know anymore.

I need to let God be in control of this aspect of my life too. I don't want to fight with Him over something as stupid as my true self. He has control over everything else in my life, so why am I holding on to this so tightly? Well, I don't have an answer as to why. I really don't.

I don't want this identity crisis to affect those around me, but I can tell that it already has. In the years that I've been "changing" or "getting better", I've seen people I know, people I love, being hurt by it. Frankly, I really hate that.

Maybe I don't know who I am, but maybe the people who love me (I know, hard to believe people would actually love such a crazy mess haha) know who I really am. I don't think they would love me if they didn't have anything substantial to love. But then again, what do I know? Love is the most difficult subject for me to pin down, because it's pretty much ridiculously complex.

No, I don't know who I am. Yes, I can feel part of myself trying to maintain control over who I am. No, I will not let that part win.

I cannot and will not allow myself to remain in control. That control doesn't belong to me. Yes, it's extremely scary for me. In fact, scary is probably an understatement, but I'm going in this afraid. Hopefully, I come out even stronger because of it.

I'm done playing tug of war with God over who I am. Now, I'm not saying that I won't fail to relinquish the rope to Him, but I am saying that I'm at least making the effort, and that counts in my book.

I'm a 16 year old girl, and I don't know who I am. But through God and God alone, I intend to find out.