Self worth is a really touchy subject.

I have this problem with never feeling good enough. Not just for God (which is obviously extremely true) but for anyone or anything. I read passages in the Bible talking about God's grace and mercy and love, and all the while I just think, "There is no way I deserve this. Not at all."

I read passages that state how I'm His child and that I am His heir, and I am just rendered speechless. Times like those make me pick out every single flaw that I have and stack them in my hands, presenting them to God so that He can see if He made a mistake or not.

Of course, He didn't. But that doesn't mean that it doesn't feel that way. I feel like there is no way God could love me. I'm too flawed. Too stubborn.

And yet, here I am in utter disbelief. I guess it's both bad and good disbelief, but it's disbelief all the same.

You see, I have this issue with self worth. I have a home, and I don't deserve it. I have friends, and I definitely do not deserve them. I have opportunities, and I don't deserve them. I am God's child, and I do not deserve this honor.

The thing that stinks about this is that it isn't that I lack self esteem. It's that I know all of these things are absolutely true, and I allow myself to sit in disbelief instead of appreciation. Sure, I am appreciative of all of these things, but I am often struck into silence by the fact that I am undeserving of everything I have received.

Maybe this knowledge will make me even more appreciative, but right now, it honestly just hurts. It hurts to know that I'll never be good enough. It hurts to know that the one person I want to deserve the most, God, is the one person I will never be good enough for. The thing that hurts even more than that is that I'll never be capable of loving Him as much as He loves me. He loves more than words can say.

I am not good enough for anything I have received, and yet I still received it anyways. If this isn't a testament to God's glory, I don't know what is.

I beg this of you: Allow yourself to be appreciative. God didn't have to create you and love you, you know. But don't be like me. Don't wallow in it. You'll spare yourself a lot of pain that way.