I think my literature is lacking.

To be honest, I'm not somebody who regularly dives into my Bible, thirsting for something new. I don't have the books of the Bible memorized, and I don't know all of the stories some kids hear so much, they get tired of them when they're little.

But I want to dive into my Bible. Every day, I tell myself, "This is the day I will start to read my Bible every day. This is the day I will soak up everything in my Bible like a sponge." I tell myself that, but I'm pretty good at lying to myself. It's not that I don't want to dive into it. (Believe me, I want to.) I just get so caught up in homework or family stuff or attempts to actually sleep for once. I allow myself to make these excuses for myself, saying that God loves me anyways. Which, He does. But, that does not mean that He doesn't deserve better from me. I know for a fact that I'll never be able to deserve the love God has for me, but that doesn't mean that I should put any less than my all into this.

I'm not giving my all, and I absolutely hate that.

My Bible sits on my nightstand day by day, just begging to be opened. Begging to be read and loved. But my AP US History flash cards sit perched on top of that Bible, the perfect image of how I've let my priorities slip. I have put something before God, which obviously is a huge no-no.

I don't think I can even describe how much it hurts to admit this to myself. I can't even describe how much I wish that I could be absolutely everything God deserves. But since I know that I can't deserve Him, I think I've let that become an excuse for not putting my all into my relationship with Him. It's not an excuse. If anything, it's a reason to be more motivated since I am an extremely stubborn person.

I want to change this. I want to be able to promise God that I will put my all into this now and forever. But you want to know why I won't let myself do that? Because I'm terrified of making a promise to God that I can't keep. I lie to myself, but I refuse to lie to God. And when you make a promise to Him that has even the slightest chance of not being kept, you're lying to Him.

I know that I can be better than this. I know that the passion I have for Him can be so much stronger. I know that I am capable of better. I know that my love for Him should be my best feature, and since I can't observe myself from the outside, I don't know if I have made it my best feature yet.

I know that I need to soak up that Bible like a sponge and apply it into my life in every possible way. I want to do this so much that I don't think I can even fully describe the shame I currently feel for not giving Him my all. God deserves so much more than me. The least I can give Him is my life.

No, I don't know all of the stories in the Bible that some kids know when they're seven. But I do know that I am fully capable of changing this. I know that I am capable of more.

It's like my favorite lyric from my favorite Worship song: Oh, Child by Nevertheless. It's in God's perspective, and it says, "Oh, love, I'm only asking for your life."

He only asking for our lives. Only. As in He knows He deserves more, but He's only asking for our miniscule lives. And yes, in comparison to His plan, we are microscopic. But God is so great that He loves every single microscopic spec.

God, I know that You deserve better. I'm sorry that I can only give You my life, since I know that You deserve more. I'm also sorry that I know I can't promise You to give You my all every second of my life. However, I can promise that I know you deserve more than this, and I am absolutely going to try to give You the tiny thing You ask from me: my life.