Sometimes, I think I enjoy the idea of going to Africa a little bit too much. I have a beaded bracelet with "N'Djamena" on it. I have Chad's flag proudly in my bedroom. I do the research for fun. I dream about walking through the villages there. Seriously, that's all the dream is. Just me walking across the sand and smiling at those around me.
Shouldn't something like going to a third world country for the rest of my life be more of a sacrifice for me? Shouldn't I agonize over this every night, wondering how I can possibly go there and leave the place I've lived my entire life? Shouldn't this be harder for me?
Well, it used to be, I suppose. But I guess I've gotten to the point where I can't possibly imagine my life any other way. Every time I think of my future, it's in Africa. Not Nashville, not Memphis, not Panama City, not Boston.
I'm not saying that it isn't hard...just that I thought picturing it would be harder. Don't get me wrong, I'll definitely miss America and my friends and family, but why isn't this torture for me? Why does Africa seem like such a piece of cake to me now, when to everyone else it's an old cracker? America is the stereotypical piece of cake, the desert that many crave. So why is Chad that piece of cake to me instead of America?
I can't describe it. But I suppose if I tried to...it'd be like Chad and I are a package deal. Going to Chad is a part of me. I wouldn't be...well...me without it.
I know that actually going there will be more difficult than I think. I know that it will be a struggle in every definition of the word...but how am I so okay with that? How am I able to sit here and think about it and smile? I'll be surrounded by danger and death and suffering, and yet I can't think of any place I'd rather be. I'm pretty sure that's about as masochistic as it gets.
Again, I'm not saying this is easy. But...is this just because I welcome a challenge or something? I mean, honestly. God, help me out here. Is this just a testament to how weird I am? Is this supposed to showcase my stubbornness when faced with a challenge? Is it, God? Is it?
Obviously, I'm extremely confused. I thought I was going to continue to struggle with this, but here I am. It's not even a struggle to me anymore. It's more like a fleeting thought of danger followed by an overwhelming amount of excitement. All of this is changing so quickly. I get a new perspective on this subject every single day. Quite frankly, I know I'm overthinking it. But that's what I do. I overthink things, hoping that an answer will magically fall into my lap.
I don't know what's going on with me anymore. I've been excited ever since I received my Calling, but it wasn't like this. Never like this. The excitement was tinted with the danger and the effort it would take to leave everything behind. And yet now, I hardly feel any of that anymore. Just the excitement.
Maybe this is my way of being optimistic? Which, frankly, is a pretty crappy form of optimism. But who knows? I sure as heck don't.
I guess I'm just baffled by how easy it's become to see myself in Africa. It's the most difficult thing to me to imagine myself anywhere else. Honestly, that scares me. I don't know why, but it does. Maybe it's because I get scared easily when I feel this strong of an emotion, I have no clue. But all I know is that I think this should be harder for me...and yet, it isn't.
Perhaps this attitude is a gift from God because I know that it's very rare for an attitude like this to come from just me. But maybe there's a catch to all of this? UGH. I just don't know. I thought the possibility of being murdered as soon as I got there was the catch, but maybe that's completely wrong.
Again, I'm obviously very confused. I don't know if I'm writing this to vent or for prayer, but I'm writing it. And I'm sure that all of this confusion sounds extremely crazy. If it makes you feel any better, it makes a lot less sense in my own head.
I don't know how to feel about all of these feelings (Yep, definitely overthinking this).
My hands are open, God. I know it's highly highly unlikely, but I would love if some answers would fall into them.
Janie, here's a couple of things to think about:
ReplyDeleteFirstly, you say that "It's not even a struggle to me anymore." This is false, the struggle has just moved from knowing for sure in your heart that this is what to do with your life into accepting the fact that you know this for sure without second guessing the finality of your decision.
Next of all, I don't like having just two points, so this is just a filler because I can't think of anything good that's not basically mimicking the first point. :)
Lastly, I wouldn't say so much "overthinking" as "over-over-analyzing."
Thanks for the wonderful insight into the mind of Janie Sanford. :D Love you!
Only you over-over-analyze. I shall not take that title from you. That's an exclusive skill.
ReplyDeleteI found this yesterday and thought you might appreciate/want to hear it.
ReplyDelete""Whom shall I send, and who will go for us? Then said I, Here am I; send me." Isaiah 6:8
God did not address the call to Isaiah; Isaiah overheard God saying, "Who will go for us?" The call of God is not for the special few, it is for everyone. Whether or not I hear God's call depends upon the state of my ears; and what I hear depends upon my disposition. "Many are called but few are chosen," that is, few prove themselves the chosen ones. The chosen ones are those who have come into a relationship with God through Jesus Christ whereby their disposition has been altered and their ears unstopped, and they hear the still small voice questioning all the time, "Who will go for us?" It is not a question of God singling out a man and saying, "Now, you go." God did not lay a strong compulsion on Isaiah; Isaiah was in the presence of God and he overheard the call, and realized that there was nothing else for him but to say, in conscious freedom, "Here am I, send me." Get out of your mind the idea of expecting God to come with compulsions and pleadings. When our Lord called His disciples there was no irresistible compulsion from outside. The quiet passionate insistence of His "Follow Me" was spoken to men with every power wide awake. If we let the Spirit of God bring us face to face with God, we too shall hear something akin to what Isaiah heard, the still small voice of God; and in perfect freedom will say, "Here am I; send me.""
:D WHERE DID YOU FIND THIS?!
ReplyDeletehttp://www.myutmost.org/
ReplyDeleteits an old school devotional...like the guy who wrote them is actually dead....Anyway, most the time i'm not a huge fan, but i liked that one.
Cool, cool. Thanks :)
ReplyDelete