Okay, so we're obviously not in Oz...and maybe this thing isn't exactly "bad", but it's strange. It's definitely strange.
The other night, in order to escape the chaos that is my household, I went to hang out with two of my friends. One of those friends is currently engaged and we started talking about God. I told her about my quest to become a missionary and we had the usual conversation I have when that subject comes up. I told her why, I told her where, I told her my plans. Then, like two typical girls, the subject of boys came up. I told her that for me, if I even got married, my husband would either A- have the exact same plans as me (not likely), B- have no plans at all (even less likely since I like a guy with ambition), C- have plans that maybe could fit in with mine (eh, I suppose it's possible), or D- have plans and yet was still willing to go wherever God sends him (ding, ding, ding, we have the most likely option).
She told me that God told her who she was going to be with, but not where she was going. So the other girl we were with was like, "You guys are the exact opposite then. You know where you're going but not who you'll be with, and she knows who she is going to be with but not where she's going. That's interesting."
It got me thinking. And I don't mean, "Hm, that's weird" type of thinking. I'm talking about, "Goodness gracious, what on Earth? I am going to drive myself insane by thinking about this for the next two hours" type of deal. Yeah, yeah. That sounds weird, but still.
I hear stories of missionaries all the time, and they are all going with what God wants, no matter if they are alone or if they have someone. I admire that, and I intend on doing it myself, but that question always pops into my mind.
Yes, I am 16. Yes, I don't need to be thinking about marriage. And yet...since the rest of my future has a general plan, I'm getting impatient. I just want to know already, that way I can get it over with. I mean, that probably sounds harsh, but it's true. I just want to know.
Newsflash about God: He keeps you in the dark 99% of the time when it comes to anything about your life. He'll tell you enough to keep you on the right path, but He gives you space to learn and figure it out for yourself.
Honestly, half of the time, I pray that He'll just make all of my decisions for me so that I know everything about my life. The kicker is that I know that if I were to know everything about my future, I wouldn't be as interested in my life as I am. It's an unpleasant catch 22.
I probably sound whiny and annoying, but because God has let me in on an aspect of my future, I am seriously craving more knowledge. It's a curse, I guess. My endless curiosity, that is. I'm grateful for the knowledge He has given me, but I always seem to want more, and I hate that. I really do. I wish that I could just be content with where I am and go with the flow in regards to where I'm going, but I'm not at that point yet.
Actually, I used to be there, but then I fell in love. The first time you fall in love sets off a clock in your head that ticks away every second you are alone. I fell in love with love, and to this day, I just want to be in love again. Love makes me feel closer to God, in a way. That may sound weird, but it's true. Since love comes from God, being in love makes me more in awe of Him because He gave me the power to be in love with someone, whereas I used to think that I wasn't capable of loving someone on Earth that much.
It all comes down to my fatal flaw: impatience with myself. Everything brews down to that. Seriously. Everything.
The moral of this is: don't be like me. When God let's you in on something, cherish it. Don't crave more. You'll just drive yourself insane.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Can we really believe in this change?
Right now, it is 60 degrees outside. I am inside. There is something wrong with this.
But not really.
You know, I could come on here and write about things that you've probably heard before only with a controversial twist, or I could write about new things also with a controversial twist. It's controversial because all belief can be disputed, especially that of a missionary because they're displaying their beliefs openly to others in the hope that they will find something to hold on to.
I could come on here and tell you outright that one belief is wrong and another is right, only I'd be lying to you because honestly, I have no clue. Seriously. My beliefs are fact to me, but not to someone else. My faith is my life, but it may not be the life of others. So what I say on here is what I believe, only I'm desperately hoping that there's something in it that another can grasp with as much passion as I attempt to have. (Key word being "attempt".)
I guess I could write about how 2010 is ending and a new year is beginning and that we should all try to act as amazing as possible to please God!
Except I don't believe that. I gave up on New Year's Resolutions a long time ago because I realized that it was pointless to try and change myself if A- God wasn't ready for me to and B- I wasn't ready for me to. I'm not saying that New Year's Resolutions never result in some good, but most of the time, they set you up for disappointment when there is enough disappointment in the world already. "This year, I'm going to lose 20 pounds!" "This year, I am going to volunteer more!" "This year, I am going to be nicer!"
Now, that's all fine and dandy if you're ready for it. But to me, New Year's Resolutions only spur premature change that can end up in disaster. Sure, some good can come out of it, but then the next year comes, and you remember that you didn't meet your resolution from the year before, so you cling to the hope that you'll do better this year.
Don't change yourself unless you seriously feel moved to (aka, unless it comes from God). Our flaws spur lessons, and those lessons spur changes, and so on. It's a circle. When it comes to making changes, it comes down to that circle. Not "Oh, everyone else has a New Year's Resolution, I should too!" Don't jump on the bandwagon here, people. It's not worth it.
Maybe some of your resolutions have come true in the past. Maybe you've forgotten them all. But this whole "New year, new me!" philosophy is honestly a load of poop. One day should not spur change, every day should. Maybe that's confusing, I'll try to explain.
If a change is meant to happen, it will happen. I'm not saying this won't require any effort, but change should be something that has been building up. Once it builds up, it overflows slowly. Every day changes you, and with that attitude, you wind up changing the atmosphere of every day.
The only time I can honestly say that I was drastically changed was when I was Saved. Before then, I was pretty much stagnant. I never changed, and it showed. The second I was Saved, I was different. Everyone could tell.
Now, not all changes have to be like that. That change was seriously a long time coming because God had a huge plan for me. That change spurred a never ending chain of changes, changes that are occurring as we speak. (Well, technically, as you read, but I digress.)
Ever since that moment, I have been a constantly moving and constantly shifting human being. I don't go two days as the same person. That change was started by God, and the changes that result shall start and end by God's hand.
Drastic changes are very rare, and that is another factor of how being Saved is so magnificent. It's a drastic change that steals your breath, but in a very good way. Changes like that aren't commonplace. But what I've found is that after a change like that, you are raw. You're wide open.
The changes that occur after that are slow, and they paint the colors on your empty canvas. Everything shapes you, and you start to shape everything in return. God doesn't want us to be stagnant. He loves us enough to want to change. He changes us, because we are truly stagnant beings without Him. Humans are stuck in their ways, and it takes God to break us of that habit, whether you realize it or not.
Change can be scary, I admit that. But is there any greater or more beautiful process than seeing someone grow into who they will become? I don't think so.
So if your New Year's resolution is occurring through God, awesome! But be careful. Don't lie to yourself and say that God is doing it if He isn't. I've told myself those lies before, and it hurts. It hurts you and it hurts those around you. When it comes to a process like change, we have to be careful. Don't be reckless with who you are. God put effort and serious thought into creating you. He knows the changes that need to be orchestrated, not you.
Change is not a bad thing, but it can be dangerous when used recklessly. I can say this from experience. Now this isn't an "I know more than you do" post. This is an "I am thinking out loud" type of post. So by all means, disagree if you want. I'm always up for a good discussion :)
I've said my peace. I'm going to go outside and enjoy this glorious weather.
But not really.
You know, I could come on here and write about things that you've probably heard before only with a controversial twist, or I could write about new things also with a controversial twist. It's controversial because all belief can be disputed, especially that of a missionary because they're displaying their beliefs openly to others in the hope that they will find something to hold on to.
I could come on here and tell you outright that one belief is wrong and another is right, only I'd be lying to you because honestly, I have no clue. Seriously. My beliefs are fact to me, but not to someone else. My faith is my life, but it may not be the life of others. So what I say on here is what I believe, only I'm desperately hoping that there's something in it that another can grasp with as much passion as I attempt to have. (Key word being "attempt".)
I guess I could write about how 2010 is ending and a new year is beginning and that we should all try to act as amazing as possible to please God!
Except I don't believe that. I gave up on New Year's Resolutions a long time ago because I realized that it was pointless to try and change myself if A- God wasn't ready for me to and B- I wasn't ready for me to. I'm not saying that New Year's Resolutions never result in some good, but most of the time, they set you up for disappointment when there is enough disappointment in the world already. "This year, I'm going to lose 20 pounds!" "This year, I am going to volunteer more!" "This year, I am going to be nicer!"
Now, that's all fine and dandy if you're ready for it. But to me, New Year's Resolutions only spur premature change that can end up in disaster. Sure, some good can come out of it, but then the next year comes, and you remember that you didn't meet your resolution from the year before, so you cling to the hope that you'll do better this year.
Don't change yourself unless you seriously feel moved to (aka, unless it comes from God). Our flaws spur lessons, and those lessons spur changes, and so on. It's a circle. When it comes to making changes, it comes down to that circle. Not "Oh, everyone else has a New Year's Resolution, I should too!" Don't jump on the bandwagon here, people. It's not worth it.
Maybe some of your resolutions have come true in the past. Maybe you've forgotten them all. But this whole "New year, new me!" philosophy is honestly a load of poop. One day should not spur change, every day should. Maybe that's confusing, I'll try to explain.
If a change is meant to happen, it will happen. I'm not saying this won't require any effort, but change should be something that has been building up. Once it builds up, it overflows slowly. Every day changes you, and with that attitude, you wind up changing the atmosphere of every day.
The only time I can honestly say that I was drastically changed was when I was Saved. Before then, I was pretty much stagnant. I never changed, and it showed. The second I was Saved, I was different. Everyone could tell.
Now, not all changes have to be like that. That change was seriously a long time coming because God had a huge plan for me. That change spurred a never ending chain of changes, changes that are occurring as we speak. (Well, technically, as you read, but I digress.)
Ever since that moment, I have been a constantly moving and constantly shifting human being. I don't go two days as the same person. That change was started by God, and the changes that result shall start and end by God's hand.
Drastic changes are very rare, and that is another factor of how being Saved is so magnificent. It's a drastic change that steals your breath, but in a very good way. Changes like that aren't commonplace. But what I've found is that after a change like that, you are raw. You're wide open.
The changes that occur after that are slow, and they paint the colors on your empty canvas. Everything shapes you, and you start to shape everything in return. God doesn't want us to be stagnant. He loves us enough to want to change. He changes us, because we are truly stagnant beings without Him. Humans are stuck in their ways, and it takes God to break us of that habit, whether you realize it or not.
Change can be scary, I admit that. But is there any greater or more beautiful process than seeing someone grow into who they will become? I don't think so.
So if your New Year's resolution is occurring through God, awesome! But be careful. Don't lie to yourself and say that God is doing it if He isn't. I've told myself those lies before, and it hurts. It hurts you and it hurts those around you. When it comes to a process like change, we have to be careful. Don't be reckless with who you are. God put effort and serious thought into creating you. He knows the changes that need to be orchestrated, not you.
Change is not a bad thing, but it can be dangerous when used recklessly. I can say this from experience. Now this isn't an "I know more than you do" post. This is an "I am thinking out loud" type of post. So by all means, disagree if you want. I'm always up for a good discussion :)
I've said my peace. I'm going to go outside and enjoy this glorious weather.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
My Rollercoaster Ride
You'd think that the idea of becoming a missionary would change me; that it would make me more careful and less sinful. You'd think that I would be less impatient or more generous. You'd think that it would change me in completely different ways than it actually did change me.
Funny how these things happen.
I really don't understand why God would want me to go to another country to try to change lives. I'm not a genius, I'm not beautiful, I'm not the most faithful person alive, I'm not selfless. I'm just a stupid girl who was put into a really scary and yet wonderful situation.
Every day of my life, I ask God, "why me?" It's not that I'm not grateful to be used by God in such an awesome way, but I can't for the life of me figure out why I was chosen. I go through my life trying to be worthy of what I was Called to do, and I can't do it. I would be much better suited to be a songwriter or a journalist or a small business owner or the writer of teen angst novels. (Not that I am by any means downgrading any of these professions. They just fit who I am.) I would be much better at being a housewife or a newspaper editor. Not a missionary. Why? Because that fits directly into God's standards. Your own standards have nothing to do with it.
I am not trying to scare any of you away from the idea of mission work. But for me personally, I struggle with it. I don't know how to move any of those people. I don't know how to inspire. I'm not someone who stands out like that. I'm loud, sure. However, for my entire life, I've been someone who can fit easily into the background. When I shut my mouth, I become invisible. I have liked that. I liked having a forgettable persona. I didn't want anyone to remember me because then they would remember my countless faults. My very very apparent flaws.
Yet, here I am, being thrust into the missionary spotlight. I am not comfortable with this yet. I'm sorry, but I'm not. To most, I come off as a loud, bubbly, and very annoying girl who needs to learn when to A- stop talking and B- grow up.
Confession time? I spend my time in self-induced seclusion and silence. I over-think every interaction I have with another person, so I've made it to where they don't want to interact with me anymore. At this very moment, I am just sitting here listening to classical music and writing. This is how I spend the majority of my time. I curl inside this shell I've made for myself and attempt to disappear, until God prompts me to write one of these posts to tie me to the world again.
Don't get me wrong, I have friends. I have people I lean on, but those people have everyone else too. I don't. I'm the one who used to have five text messages from different people every time I woke up, and now I can go all day without hearing from anyone. I did this to myself, and it all happened after I received my Calling.
Once I learned that I would have to spend my entire life reaching out, I retracted my current grasp. I pushed and I shoved until everyone who would come to me learned to go to someone else. I consider this subconscious denial of what I will become. This is my betrayal.
So why am I becoming a missionary? I can't answer that anymore. I used to be able to, but I can't anymore. I feel the desire to help so strongly within me, but it's like another part of me just wants to be alone forever and not have to deal with the interactions I so often over-think and over-analyze and inevitably screw up.
This is my struggle. I am over-thinking my interactions with God. I am second guessing everything He wants me to do, not on purpose, but subconsciously.
I wish that I had more Faith. I am going blindly into a third world country where I could easily die as soon as I step off of the plane, and yet I am still struggling. I don't know what it is. I don't have any answers to the millions of questions I feel circulating within my mind.
I know that some of you read this for hope. I know that some of you read this out of curiosity.
Now, I can't promise that my posts will be entertaining or inspiring, but I can promise that they will be honest. This is me. If you are a regular reader, you will begin to see how I've changed and continue to change. If you are not, you'll either get me on a good day, or a bad one. I'm not sure what this day is.
I guess the moral of this is: God will choose anyone, whether you agree or not. Ready or not, here He comes. Be scared, be joyful. Let yourself feel the roller coaster of emotions He gives you because they change you. You'll thank Him one day.
Funny how these things happen.
I really don't understand why God would want me to go to another country to try to change lives. I'm not a genius, I'm not beautiful, I'm not the most faithful person alive, I'm not selfless. I'm just a stupid girl who was put into a really scary and yet wonderful situation.
Every day of my life, I ask God, "why me?" It's not that I'm not grateful to be used by God in such an awesome way, but I can't for the life of me figure out why I was chosen. I go through my life trying to be worthy of what I was Called to do, and I can't do it. I would be much better suited to be a songwriter or a journalist or a small business owner or the writer of teen angst novels. (Not that I am by any means downgrading any of these professions. They just fit who I am.) I would be much better at being a housewife or a newspaper editor. Not a missionary. Why? Because that fits directly into God's standards. Your own standards have nothing to do with it.
I am not trying to scare any of you away from the idea of mission work. But for me personally, I struggle with it. I don't know how to move any of those people. I don't know how to inspire. I'm not someone who stands out like that. I'm loud, sure. However, for my entire life, I've been someone who can fit easily into the background. When I shut my mouth, I become invisible. I have liked that. I liked having a forgettable persona. I didn't want anyone to remember me because then they would remember my countless faults. My very very apparent flaws.
Yet, here I am, being thrust into the missionary spotlight. I am not comfortable with this yet. I'm sorry, but I'm not. To most, I come off as a loud, bubbly, and very annoying girl who needs to learn when to A- stop talking and B- grow up.
Confession time? I spend my time in self-induced seclusion and silence. I over-think every interaction I have with another person, so I've made it to where they don't want to interact with me anymore. At this very moment, I am just sitting here listening to classical music and writing. This is how I spend the majority of my time. I curl inside this shell I've made for myself and attempt to disappear, until God prompts me to write one of these posts to tie me to the world again.
Don't get me wrong, I have friends. I have people I lean on, but those people have everyone else too. I don't. I'm the one who used to have five text messages from different people every time I woke up, and now I can go all day without hearing from anyone. I did this to myself, and it all happened after I received my Calling.
Once I learned that I would have to spend my entire life reaching out, I retracted my current grasp. I pushed and I shoved until everyone who would come to me learned to go to someone else. I consider this subconscious denial of what I will become. This is my betrayal.
So why am I becoming a missionary? I can't answer that anymore. I used to be able to, but I can't anymore. I feel the desire to help so strongly within me, but it's like another part of me just wants to be alone forever and not have to deal with the interactions I so often over-think and over-analyze and inevitably screw up.
This is my struggle. I am over-thinking my interactions with God. I am second guessing everything He wants me to do, not on purpose, but subconsciously.
I wish that I had more Faith. I am going blindly into a third world country where I could easily die as soon as I step off of the plane, and yet I am still struggling. I don't know what it is. I don't have any answers to the millions of questions I feel circulating within my mind.
I know that some of you read this for hope. I know that some of you read this out of curiosity.
Now, I can't promise that my posts will be entertaining or inspiring, but I can promise that they will be honest. This is me. If you are a regular reader, you will begin to see how I've changed and continue to change. If you are not, you'll either get me on a good day, or a bad one. I'm not sure what this day is.
I guess the moral of this is: God will choose anyone, whether you agree or not. Ready or not, here He comes. Be scared, be joyful. Let yourself feel the roller coaster of emotions He gives you because they change you. You'll thank Him one day.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Inspiration Train Station
Each day, I find something new to inspire me. Some days, it's a book that has me questioning how much I could take in my life. Other days, it's posts from those who I consider my friends, though they do not know me personally. Katie, Jamie, and Jason. But with each form of inspiration, I find myself moved, just as I should be. For example, Katie recently lost one of her 14 daughters to their birth mother.
As I sat there and read it, weeks ago, I couldn't help but want to beat my fists on the ground and scream about how unfair it was. I wanted to go to Uganda and hug Katie tightly. I have met Katie, and I can honestly say that I have never met someone I emulate more than her. Aside from Jesus, obviously. But she's not even in her mid-twenties and yet she has these wonderful children under her wing. 14 of them...well, 13 now. 14 are still in her heart, but only 13 are in her home.
My heart shattered.
I am sitting here writing this, and I can't help but think about what I would do if it were me. Honestly, I have no answer to that. I don't know what I would do, but I do know that I would not let that daughter go without a fight. I would let her go if and only if God wanted it. And that post hit me so hard because I knew that it might be me when I grow up. I can't even fully bear the thought right now. Honestly, it tears me to bits.
Behold, a form of inspiration.
I realized that Katie, Jamie, and Jason are just like me: people who put their words out there, not knowing who will read them or if they'll make an impact. Frankly, I have no clue who is reading this. Mainly, I wrote this to hold myself accountable and to create a form of a diary of my spiritual journey. I was shocked by how many I saw were reading this.
As I saw the numbers swiftly climb, I felt myself feeling less alone. Not because I knew who was reading this, but because someone was. Someone was listening to me. Someone might actually be inspired by my words, just as I have been inspired by others. Want to know what crossed my mind when I thought that? "Crap. What if I say something wrong?"
Well, needless to say, that thought passed quickly. I realized that the only thing I could do wrong would be if I were to screen my thoughts. Someone is going to find something wrong with every post, just as I hope that someone finds something right with every post.
So this is me, telling it like it is. You can be inspired, you can be horrified or annoyed. You can even call it chicken salad, I don't care. I used to be so terrified of inspiring, to be honest. But it's your choice as to if you want to listen to me. I'm just a 16 year old girl who has no idea what she's doing. Seriously. I step blindly on a path laid by God. "This will be my story. This will be my song."
I'm no different from any other teenagers you may encounter. In fact, I'm probably much more idiotic than the norm. I have no clue why you're reading this.
But you are. I promise that I'll be completely honest, even if it's ugly. Which...it pretty much always is.
This was probably all over the place. Sorry. And yes, the title was only because it rhymed :)
Monday, December 6, 2010
"Shun the Nonbeliever!" Only, don't do that. Seriously.
There is no bigger test of Faith than when someone who is not a Christian asks you perfectly reasonable questions. They're not even surprising questions. They're the questions that most of us step around so that we have no chance of being wrong and sounding like idiots for believing the way we do.
I have been asked the same question multiple times. It's the one question that I struggled with myself before I believed: If God is so great, why do bad things happen?
A lot of people think that bad things happen from God neglecting us. A lot think that God is like a kid with a magnifying glass, burning ants in the sun. A lot think that God cannot exist because bad things happen. A lot think that God should only to bad things to those who deserve it.
I am going to address all of these because frankly, I think there was a time when I believed each and every one of these.
Bad things happen from God neglecting us:
God does not neglect. Plain and simple. There was a time when I thought bad things happened to me because God chose to ignore me. Everyone else had His grace. God ignored me because He just didn't like me. I thought that if bad things happened to you, God neglected you, and that if good things happened to you, God was blessing you.
Now, some may not see that God does not neglect. They may not see my opinion because I believe the way I do only because I am a Christian. However, even if I was not a Christian, I would still think that bad things are essentially good because they teach us. I can honestly say that.
Look at the natural disasters that happen in the world. Tsunamis, Tornadoes, Land Slides, Hurricanes, Forest Fires, etc. They all affect lives. "Duh, Janie. Thank you Captain Obvious." But seriously here. What better way to teach someone or move them than when they are most vulnerable? Anything can be a lesson. No joke.
I consider bad things as not a sign of neglect, but a sign of love. If God is willing to hurt Himself in order for us to learn, that's some serious love. It's true. God does not want to hurt us. Let me say that again. God does not want to hurt us. So why does He do it? To help us. To make us better. It's tough love people, but it's just as tough for Him. This leads me directly into the next one.
God is a kid with a magnifying glass who wants to see us suffer:
God is love. He is. He loves each and every one of us. Consciously, you may not believe that. But He does. So if you love someone, why in the world would you want to see them suffer?
That's the thing. God does not want to see us suffer. It hurts Him too, believe it or not. Do you think God wants to see a little girl dying of cancer? Do you think God wants to see a mother lose her son in a car accident? Do you think God wants to wipe out hundreds or thousands of people with a natural disaster and see the lives of those that remain torn apart? The answer to that is a loud and resounding NO.
God loves us enough to see the necessity of hurting us. That may sound weird, but it's a parent to child mentality. Your parents teach you hard lessons so that you benefit from it in the future. God does the same thing, only with everything coming together in the end. God is much smarter than your parents. No offense.
Be honest here. If no bad things happened in the world, would you learn anything? No. You'd be...well...an idiot. God loves us so much, He is willing to hurt Himself than see us learn nothing. I don't know about you, but that makes me really happy. The lessons are hard, I am in no way denying that. But if they were easy, they wouldn't be lessons.
Because of bad things, God cannot exist since He is love:
So, if I were to fully go into this one, I'd pretty much be reiterating what I've already said. But basically, God does those things to teach us and to glorify Himself. He deserves the glory. Let Him have it. If there were no bad things, we would not appreciate the good things.
Personally, if there were no bad things, I would not be a Christian. The bad things tear me down and make me want to scream, but even when I catch myself getting angry with God, I know that God does not deserve my anger. Each time I feel that badly, I learn from it. I get better and I get stronger as a result. God is not the cause of my anger. He is the thing that makes it go away.
Honestly, if I did not believe in God, I would not be alive. I know this to be a fact. Now, I am only saying this to be honest with you. No doors here. No walls. God Saved me, in more ways than anybody could ever dream of; in more ways than I have tried to dream of. God brought me back from my own personal Hell.
God should make it to where only bad people deserve bad things:
Who are we to judge who is good and who is bad? First off, we do not have that power. Bad people do not deserve God's wrath any more than good people do. Bad things happen to everyone. It's a part of life. Good people result from bad things, and just as often, bad people result from good things. We can't determine what results will come from which events. Only God can.
That being said, one of my above statements was a poor choice of words (on purpose, I promise). "Good people result from bad things, and just as often, bad people result from good things." I said this for a reason. There are no purely good or purely bad people. There are only people. There is no method of distinction or separation between us. So if only "bad people" deserve bad things, then everyone deserves bad things. Yep, we all deserve it. "Bad" things already happen to everyone so...good job, God. *thumbs up to God*
The most frequent example I hear that is used to refute that statement is: what about if a newborn child dies?
Then God didn't want that child to live. I am not even going to attempt to guess His reasons, but I assure you that He has them. God isn't rash or reckless. The death of that child would then be used to teach the parents a lesson, which would then teach someone else, and so on. Everything has a purpose, even if we may not like it at the time. But honestly...we're all going to have to get over that. We don't know more than God, so we should just stop wishing that everything would happen differently.
So. If you do not believe in God and you're reading this, I really hope this helped. If you're a Christian and you have been asked this, just keep God's love in mind and allow His words to come to you. He knows what's up.
If you're a Christian and you think differently of someone just because they have asked these questions, stop it. Do not (I repeat, DO NOT) think of them any differently. I guarantee you that whether you admit it or not, these same questions have crossed your mind at some point. That being said, don't shove your beliefs down their throat because that's a tad obnoxious. (Actually, more than a tad, but I'm trying to make this sound less harsh.)
Every believer has been a nonbeliever at some point. It's a hard thing to realize for some, but it's true. A nonbeliever who asks you this question today may be a believer who answers it tomorrow. You never know.
If you have any questions, you can contact me anytime. Seriously. If you disagree with this, e-mail me. If you somewhat agree, e-mail me. If you agree, e-mail me. I am open to anything. Obviously, I don't mind a bit talking about this stuff. My e-mail is janie_sanford0902@yahoo.com.
Love you all! :)
I have been asked the same question multiple times. It's the one question that I struggled with myself before I believed: If God is so great, why do bad things happen?
A lot of people think that bad things happen from God neglecting us. A lot think that God is like a kid with a magnifying glass, burning ants in the sun. A lot think that God cannot exist because bad things happen. A lot think that God should only to bad things to those who deserve it.
I am going to address all of these because frankly, I think there was a time when I believed each and every one of these.
Bad things happen from God neglecting us:
God does not neglect. Plain and simple. There was a time when I thought bad things happened to me because God chose to ignore me. Everyone else had His grace. God ignored me because He just didn't like me. I thought that if bad things happened to you, God neglected you, and that if good things happened to you, God was blessing you.
Now, some may not see that God does not neglect. They may not see my opinion because I believe the way I do only because I am a Christian. However, even if I was not a Christian, I would still think that bad things are essentially good because they teach us. I can honestly say that.
Look at the natural disasters that happen in the world. Tsunamis, Tornadoes, Land Slides, Hurricanes, Forest Fires, etc. They all affect lives. "Duh, Janie. Thank you Captain Obvious." But seriously here. What better way to teach someone or move them than when they are most vulnerable? Anything can be a lesson. No joke.
I consider bad things as not a sign of neglect, but a sign of love. If God is willing to hurt Himself in order for us to learn, that's some serious love. It's true. God does not want to hurt us. Let me say that again. God does not want to hurt us. So why does He do it? To help us. To make us better. It's tough love people, but it's just as tough for Him. This leads me directly into the next one.
God is a kid with a magnifying glass who wants to see us suffer:
God is love. He is. He loves each and every one of us. Consciously, you may not believe that. But He does. So if you love someone, why in the world would you want to see them suffer?
That's the thing. God does not want to see us suffer. It hurts Him too, believe it or not. Do you think God wants to see a little girl dying of cancer? Do you think God wants to see a mother lose her son in a car accident? Do you think God wants to wipe out hundreds or thousands of people with a natural disaster and see the lives of those that remain torn apart? The answer to that is a loud and resounding NO.
God loves us enough to see the necessity of hurting us. That may sound weird, but it's a parent to child mentality. Your parents teach you hard lessons so that you benefit from it in the future. God does the same thing, only with everything coming together in the end. God is much smarter than your parents. No offense.
Be honest here. If no bad things happened in the world, would you learn anything? No. You'd be...well...an idiot. God loves us so much, He is willing to hurt Himself than see us learn nothing. I don't know about you, but that makes me really happy. The lessons are hard, I am in no way denying that. But if they were easy, they wouldn't be lessons.
Because of bad things, God cannot exist since He is love:
So, if I were to fully go into this one, I'd pretty much be reiterating what I've already said. But basically, God does those things to teach us and to glorify Himself. He deserves the glory. Let Him have it. If there were no bad things, we would not appreciate the good things.
Personally, if there were no bad things, I would not be a Christian. The bad things tear me down and make me want to scream, but even when I catch myself getting angry with God, I know that God does not deserve my anger. Each time I feel that badly, I learn from it. I get better and I get stronger as a result. God is not the cause of my anger. He is the thing that makes it go away.
Honestly, if I did not believe in God, I would not be alive. I know this to be a fact. Now, I am only saying this to be honest with you. No doors here. No walls. God Saved me, in more ways than anybody could ever dream of; in more ways than I have tried to dream of. God brought me back from my own personal Hell.
God should make it to where only bad people deserve bad things:
Who are we to judge who is good and who is bad? First off, we do not have that power. Bad people do not deserve God's wrath any more than good people do. Bad things happen to everyone. It's a part of life. Good people result from bad things, and just as often, bad people result from good things. We can't determine what results will come from which events. Only God can.
That being said, one of my above statements was a poor choice of words (on purpose, I promise). "Good people result from bad things, and just as often, bad people result from good things." I said this for a reason. There are no purely good or purely bad people. There are only people. There is no method of distinction or separation between us. So if only "bad people" deserve bad things, then everyone deserves bad things. Yep, we all deserve it. "Bad" things already happen to everyone so...good job, God. *thumbs up to God*
The most frequent example I hear that is used to refute that statement is: what about if a newborn child dies?
Then God didn't want that child to live. I am not even going to attempt to guess His reasons, but I assure you that He has them. God isn't rash or reckless. The death of that child would then be used to teach the parents a lesson, which would then teach someone else, and so on. Everything has a purpose, even if we may not like it at the time. But honestly...we're all going to have to get over that. We don't know more than God, so we should just stop wishing that everything would happen differently.
So. If you do not believe in God and you're reading this, I really hope this helped. If you're a Christian and you have been asked this, just keep God's love in mind and allow His words to come to you. He knows what's up.
If you're a Christian and you think differently of someone just because they have asked these questions, stop it. Do not (I repeat, DO NOT) think of them any differently. I guarantee you that whether you admit it or not, these same questions have crossed your mind at some point. That being said, don't shove your beliefs down their throat because that's a tad obnoxious. (Actually, more than a tad, but I'm trying to make this sound less harsh.)
Every believer has been a nonbeliever at some point. It's a hard thing to realize for some, but it's true. A nonbeliever who asks you this question today may be a believer who answers it tomorrow. You never know.
If you have any questions, you can contact me anytime. Seriously. If you disagree with this, e-mail me. If you somewhat agree, e-mail me. If you agree, e-mail me. I am open to anything. Obviously, I don't mind a bit talking about this stuff. My e-mail is janie_sanford0902@yahoo.com.
Love you all! :)
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Not anything typical.
I hate to say this, but sometimes there is a downside to trust. There is a downside to loving. Now, I'm not trying to turn you against love and trust, but when it comes to those two things, humans are careless. Myself in particular.
When you trust someone and they treat you like poo, it stinks. (Yes, I know. Poo and stink. I'm so clever.) But seriously. God places people in your life that you will learn from, or who will learn from you, or both. The lessons aren't always pleasant though. They turn out for the best eventually, but the pain always cuts deeper than if someone you didn't trust as much hurt you. Humans have scars on their hearts. Humans bear the marks of every bit of heartbreak they face because heartbreak never leaves you. That probably sounds really depressing, but it's true.
The deeper you love, the deeper the scars go. It's a sad part of love. I am all for loving deeply, or else I wouldn't even be writing this, but the pain of love goes almost as deep as the love itself. People can come up to you and say that love is a wonderful thing, and that's fine and dandy, but it isn't the whole truth. Love itself is perfect. The pain that results sometimes is obviously not.
Those who love are overwhelmed with the joy of it, but they can also be some of the most scarred people you know. Look at me, for example. I love a bit too much at times, and then, I sit at home just hurting. Maybe that's just because I'm a big ole softie deep down. Maybe it's because it's always the same people who hurt me. I don't know. But as I sit here, feeling the full effect of the scars I wear on my heart, I can honestly say that sometimes, I just don't want to deal with love anymore.
I suppose you can say that I fell in love with love. I enjoyed the feeling of it so much, I surrounded myself with it as much as possible. That is not necessarily a bad thing for some people, but perhaps that wasn't the best choice for me.
I have a problem with wanting to help people. "What? That's a problem? Janie, what the heck are you thinking?" For me, it is indeed a problem. I don't tell myself no. When I see that someone needs help, I always sacrifice my own self to try to help. I never tell myself no. I never see that I can't save everyone.
I'm not like Jesus. Obviously. Jesus never had to stop himself from helping anyone because He could seriously help everyone. But my entire life, I just wanted to help every single person I encountered. Deep down, I want more than anything to be like Jesus. A person can be like Jesus, but not completely. You can be like Jesus, but you can't be Him. My problem is that I can never figure out where that line is in my life.
The other day, I realized that the person I'd been trying to help was only tearing me apart. This was of no fault of theirs. It was my fault. I was letting go of everything I'd built up, tearing myself down, so that I could build them up instead. But that isn't healthy for humans. We're not Jesus.
We can't be nailed to a cross and die for mankind. We can pick up our own cross and carry it, we can be whipped to the point where our backs are raw, we can do it all in the name of the Lord, but when it comes down to it, we can't be nailed upon that cross. There's a reason why Jesus did it: so that we wouldn't have to.
The inside of me is screaming. It wants me to go up on that cross and die. It wants me to be Jesus, but I can't. I can help others, I can love others, but I can't be Jesus. If I had the choice, I would die exactly how Jesus did. Yes, that sounds messed up and masochistic, but I would. If I could die knowing that I would be saving mankind, I would do it.
I can't. I am not capable of something like that. I am not the Messiah. I am Janie, a sixteen year old from Tennessee who is going to die the way God wants her to.
I am called crazy for this. I am called a radical. I am called a martyr.
Call me what you want. I am who I am, and I am a girl who is living the crazy life God picked out. Most of the time, people just look at me and say, "You're doing all of this because of God? Don't you think that's a bit extreme?"
Yes. As a matter of fact, I do. I am extreme for God and I am insane and I am going to shout that to the Heavens because the One in Heaven is the only one who needs to hear my crazy self. Take that conformity.
I don't go to church. Yep, that's right. I left my last church because it was just a bunch of people who thought that God only resides in the pews and in the pages of a Bible. They went to church Wednesday and Sunday, and got home in time for football. Those people are perfectly kind. They are God's children, but they are not who God wants me to be with. So instead of going there, I worship at home. I am waiting until God calls me to a new church and if He doesn't, so be it. He has the plan.
I have been hurt and betrayed by those around me. I still love them, but I love God much more. It still hurts when they hurt me, but God knows what's up. I am sitting here hurting right now, but God is in charge. If I'm meant to get over this, I will. If I'm meant to hurt some more, I will.
I didn't use to think this way. I used to not curse and I would wear a cross around my neck so that people could see me and be like, "Oh, she's a Christian. Good for her." I lost that cross necklace, and now I see why. It's gone for a reason. God didn't want me to wear it anymore.
Confession: I curse. Not a lot, but I do. I don't feel guilt over it either. Humans made those words bad. Humans made them taboo. Humans gave them negative connotations. When the Bible tells us not to swear, it's talking about not swearing on God's name, or making a promise that you can't keep. God knows what promises you can keep, and you don't.
Why would God say that a word is bad now when those words weren't taboo before? Seriously. It's us. Calm down. A word is just a word. The only word that must be used carefully is "God" because the second we start using it in vain is the second we take God for granted. Now, I don't know about you, but I would prefer if that did not happen.
- Don't look down on someone who says words that are considered bad these days. They're not bad, and it's not like you don't think them. Seriously. Be honest with yourself. God sees who you really are. You can't fool Him, so just be yourself. He made you the way you are for a reason, and any changes that are made should be done through Him.
I realize that is probably not a post some of you would expect, but there it is. *cue extremely cliche, but extremely true, ending*
Be yourself.
When you trust someone and they treat you like poo, it stinks. (Yes, I know. Poo and stink. I'm so clever.) But seriously. God places people in your life that you will learn from, or who will learn from you, or both. The lessons aren't always pleasant though. They turn out for the best eventually, but the pain always cuts deeper than if someone you didn't trust as much hurt you. Humans have scars on their hearts. Humans bear the marks of every bit of heartbreak they face because heartbreak never leaves you. That probably sounds really depressing, but it's true.
The deeper you love, the deeper the scars go. It's a sad part of love. I am all for loving deeply, or else I wouldn't even be writing this, but the pain of love goes almost as deep as the love itself. People can come up to you and say that love is a wonderful thing, and that's fine and dandy, but it isn't the whole truth. Love itself is perfect. The pain that results sometimes is obviously not.
Those who love are overwhelmed with the joy of it, but they can also be some of the most scarred people you know. Look at me, for example. I love a bit too much at times, and then, I sit at home just hurting. Maybe that's just because I'm a big ole softie deep down. Maybe it's because it's always the same people who hurt me. I don't know. But as I sit here, feeling the full effect of the scars I wear on my heart, I can honestly say that sometimes, I just don't want to deal with love anymore.
I suppose you can say that I fell in love with love. I enjoyed the feeling of it so much, I surrounded myself with it as much as possible. That is not necessarily a bad thing for some people, but perhaps that wasn't the best choice for me.
I have a problem with wanting to help people. "What? That's a problem? Janie, what the heck are you thinking?" For me, it is indeed a problem. I don't tell myself no. When I see that someone needs help, I always sacrifice my own self to try to help. I never tell myself no. I never see that I can't save everyone.
I'm not like Jesus. Obviously. Jesus never had to stop himself from helping anyone because He could seriously help everyone. But my entire life, I just wanted to help every single person I encountered. Deep down, I want more than anything to be like Jesus. A person can be like Jesus, but not completely. You can be like Jesus, but you can't be Him. My problem is that I can never figure out where that line is in my life.
The other day, I realized that the person I'd been trying to help was only tearing me apart. This was of no fault of theirs. It was my fault. I was letting go of everything I'd built up, tearing myself down, so that I could build them up instead. But that isn't healthy for humans. We're not Jesus.
We can't be nailed to a cross and die for mankind. We can pick up our own cross and carry it, we can be whipped to the point where our backs are raw, we can do it all in the name of the Lord, but when it comes down to it, we can't be nailed upon that cross. There's a reason why Jesus did it: so that we wouldn't have to.
The inside of me is screaming. It wants me to go up on that cross and die. It wants me to be Jesus, but I can't. I can help others, I can love others, but I can't be Jesus. If I had the choice, I would die exactly how Jesus did. Yes, that sounds messed up and masochistic, but I would. If I could die knowing that I would be saving mankind, I would do it.
I can't. I am not capable of something like that. I am not the Messiah. I am Janie, a sixteen year old from Tennessee who is going to die the way God wants her to.
I am called crazy for this. I am called a radical. I am called a martyr.
Call me what you want. I am who I am, and I am a girl who is living the crazy life God picked out. Most of the time, people just look at me and say, "You're doing all of this because of God? Don't you think that's a bit extreme?"
Yes. As a matter of fact, I do. I am extreme for God and I am insane and I am going to shout that to the Heavens because the One in Heaven is the only one who needs to hear my crazy self. Take that conformity.
I don't go to church. Yep, that's right. I left my last church because it was just a bunch of people who thought that God only resides in the pews and in the pages of a Bible. They went to church Wednesday and Sunday, and got home in time for football. Those people are perfectly kind. They are God's children, but they are not who God wants me to be with. So instead of going there, I worship at home. I am waiting until God calls me to a new church and if He doesn't, so be it. He has the plan.
I have been hurt and betrayed by those around me. I still love them, but I love God much more. It still hurts when they hurt me, but God knows what's up. I am sitting here hurting right now, but God is in charge. If I'm meant to get over this, I will. If I'm meant to hurt some more, I will.
I didn't use to think this way. I used to not curse and I would wear a cross around my neck so that people could see me and be like, "Oh, she's a Christian. Good for her." I lost that cross necklace, and now I see why. It's gone for a reason. God didn't want me to wear it anymore.
Confession: I curse. Not a lot, but I do. I don't feel guilt over it either. Humans made those words bad. Humans made them taboo. Humans gave them negative connotations. When the Bible tells us not to swear, it's talking about not swearing on God's name, or making a promise that you can't keep. God knows what promises you can keep, and you don't.
Why would God say that a word is bad now when those words weren't taboo before? Seriously. It's us. Calm down. A word is just a word. The only word that must be used carefully is "God" because the second we start using it in vain is the second we take God for granted. Now, I don't know about you, but I would prefer if that did not happen.
The moral of this post is (since it was really long):
- You're going to get hurt. Make the choice as to if that pain really does benefit you in the end. If not, take a step back.
- Don't expect to be Jesus when you become a Christian, or that will be the biggest disappointment you'll ever face. Appreciate the glory of Jesus, don't try to steal His glory (even if it's by accident).
- Don't call someone crazy when they live for God. What we consider "radical" now was normal two thousand years ago.
- If you think reading your Bible and going to church every week makes you a Christian, no offense, but you better check yourself before you wreck yourself.
I realize that is probably not a post some of you would expect, but there it is. *cue extremely cliche, but extremely true, ending*
Be yourself.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Sugar, spice, and everything nice.
No, I am not a PowerPuff Girl. Although, if I had the choice, I'd want to be Buttercup. This is probably because I am the most like her (Blossom is too nice to be me, and Bubbles is too adorable).
Lately, I've wanted to be anyone but myself. It seemed like no matter which direction I turned, I was surrounded by stress, heartache, and doubt. I let myself drown in it. I felt the Janie I am slip away, and I was enabling it. I was ashamed. I know the last thing you want to read is a story about how I've been struggling, but there is a point to this. I promise.
I know exactly who I am. I know exactly who I want to be. I also know that those two things can't be the same. It's a type of knowledge that everyone refuses to face for a long time. Everyone wants to control who they are: to be smarter, stronger, prettier, funnier, nicer, better. Everyone wants to write the characteristics they want on a piece of paper and cross them off as they go along.
My list is as follows: I want to be nicer, less petty, more confident, more independent, more compassionate, less sarcastic, less awkward, less loud, more open, less consumed with guilt. Finally, I want to be less doubtful.
I don't doubt just anything. I always doubt the same thing: God. The easiest thing to doubt is the thing you love the most. It isn't that you don't believe, it's that you think it's too good to be reality.
I know that my personal Faith (this may not be the case with you) is that I hope against all reason that God exists. What's sad is that in my heart, I can't NOT believe. It's not an option for me. I've fallen so deeply and so hard for God. I don't love God. I am in love with Him. You're allowed to think I'm weird. I don't care.
Part of my Faith is that I pray to Him that He isn't too good to be true. That He can and will remain my reality. I know that sounds really odd, praying to God that He exists, but it's what I do. The two things cancel out for me. When I doubt, I pray. When I don't, I pray. Either way, I am acknowledging that He is real.
I've talked about my doubts on here before. The thing is, doubt isn't something that can be talked about once and magically disappear. You can't wave a magic wand and say a spell and watch it vanish. It doesn't work that way.
I can feel my Faith changing. Consciously, it appears to be weakening. To the untrained eye, I am falling apart. But on the inside, the part that matters, I can feel my Faith getting stronger. The more I fall apart, the deeper I am falling for God. The phrase "falling" gives the automatic assumption that there is a bottom. That one can stop falling.
With me, love doesn't work that way. Once I start falling, I don't stop. God knows that I am not stopping with Him, no matter how many times my mind tries to tell me that I am. The war within me is no longer raging between God and Satan. God has won the war. He knows that. Satan has and continues to win a few battles. But God has me. I couldn't leave if I tried. No, now the war is raging between myself and well...myself.
Perhaps saying "now" was a bad choice of words. The war has always been between me and me. Always. The allies on each side were just different.
Here's how what I was talking about earlier comes in. You know, the lists and characteristics and stuff. Many have said that we cannot change. That we, as humans, are incapable of changing who we seem to be.
This is true.
But. The sentence is unfinished. We, as humans, are incapable of changing who we seem to be...without God. We don't make the change. We don't. You can argue with me on this, it doesn't matter. You're entitled to your opinion as I am to mine. This is mine, and you do not have to agree. But we need God to change us. We can't do it alone. If we change, it may seem like we are doing it, but we aren't. God is leading it.
A friend of mine said that life is "rigged". Like a game. Now, before you get upset, let me just say that in life, the game being rigged is NOT a bad thing. Nope. It's not. Because take a few seconds to think of who rigged it.
Yep. There you go.
God changes us for the good and the bad to teach us. Not to make us feel like crap and make it seem like He hates us. He doesn't. Think of how stupid and stubborn humans are. (Don't get insulted. It's totally true in one way or another.) If God can change such stubborn people, how awesome is that? How much glory does that give Him?
Tons.
Doubts are a part of it. Wanting to change is a part of it. Pain is a part of it. Joy is a part of it. But here is what we must do: go along with it. Believe. Hope. Love. Let yourself fall. I know it's difficult. Believe me, I do. If you want to talk to someone who has a huge fear of love (even though you probably wouldn't be able to tell since she loves so much), well...you're already reading her blog.
If the girl who is loveophobic can sit here and know that she loves everyone in spite of that fear, you can love. You may be even more terrified than I am. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if there are people much more scared than I am. I expect it. But I understand if you're scared. I still am too.
I sit here, revelling in the feeling I've gotten the past few days. The breakdown, the buildup, the feeling I get when I finally let myself cry over God. I am getting weaker through sin and stronger through God.
A person can only get so weak. But there is never a limit to strength.
If none of this made sense to you, I'm sorry. If you're bored, I'm sorry. If you never want to read a post from me again, I'm sorry. But one thing I will not apologize for is writing this. Now, if you're just confused and you want to talk to me, go ahead. I would love that.
I'm going to end this with the three words that took me the longest to utter: I love you. I don't care who you are or what you've done. I'm a jerk sometimes (by accident, of course) but I really do love you. You can doubt that. Go right ahead. But doubts are just another part of it, aren't they?
God loves you much more than I possibly can, and I love a lot. Remember that :)
Lately, I've wanted to be anyone but myself. It seemed like no matter which direction I turned, I was surrounded by stress, heartache, and doubt. I let myself drown in it. I felt the Janie I am slip away, and I was enabling it. I was ashamed. I know the last thing you want to read is a story about how I've been struggling, but there is a point to this. I promise.
I know exactly who I am. I know exactly who I want to be. I also know that those two things can't be the same. It's a type of knowledge that everyone refuses to face for a long time. Everyone wants to control who they are: to be smarter, stronger, prettier, funnier, nicer, better. Everyone wants to write the characteristics they want on a piece of paper and cross them off as they go along.
My list is as follows: I want to be nicer, less petty, more confident, more independent, more compassionate, less sarcastic, less awkward, less loud, more open, less consumed with guilt. Finally, I want to be less doubtful.
I don't doubt just anything. I always doubt the same thing: God. The easiest thing to doubt is the thing you love the most. It isn't that you don't believe, it's that you think it's too good to be reality.
I know that my personal Faith (this may not be the case with you) is that I hope against all reason that God exists. What's sad is that in my heart, I can't NOT believe. It's not an option for me. I've fallen so deeply and so hard for God. I don't love God. I am in love with Him. You're allowed to think I'm weird. I don't care.
Part of my Faith is that I pray to Him that He isn't too good to be true. That He can and will remain my reality. I know that sounds really odd, praying to God that He exists, but it's what I do. The two things cancel out for me. When I doubt, I pray. When I don't, I pray. Either way, I am acknowledging that He is real.
I've talked about my doubts on here before. The thing is, doubt isn't something that can be talked about once and magically disappear. You can't wave a magic wand and say a spell and watch it vanish. It doesn't work that way.
I can feel my Faith changing. Consciously, it appears to be weakening. To the untrained eye, I am falling apart. But on the inside, the part that matters, I can feel my Faith getting stronger. The more I fall apart, the deeper I am falling for God. The phrase "falling" gives the automatic assumption that there is a bottom. That one can stop falling.
With me, love doesn't work that way. Once I start falling, I don't stop. God knows that I am not stopping with Him, no matter how many times my mind tries to tell me that I am. The war within me is no longer raging between God and Satan. God has won the war. He knows that. Satan has and continues to win a few battles. But God has me. I couldn't leave if I tried. No, now the war is raging between myself and well...myself.
Perhaps saying "now" was a bad choice of words. The war has always been between me and me. Always. The allies on each side were just different.
Here's how what I was talking about earlier comes in. You know, the lists and characteristics and stuff. Many have said that we cannot change. That we, as humans, are incapable of changing who we seem to be.
This is true.
But. The sentence is unfinished. We, as humans, are incapable of changing who we seem to be...without God. We don't make the change. We don't. You can argue with me on this, it doesn't matter. You're entitled to your opinion as I am to mine. This is mine, and you do not have to agree. But we need God to change us. We can't do it alone. If we change, it may seem like we are doing it, but we aren't. God is leading it.
A friend of mine said that life is "rigged". Like a game. Now, before you get upset, let me just say that in life, the game being rigged is NOT a bad thing. Nope. It's not. Because take a few seconds to think of who rigged it.
Yep. There you go.
God changes us for the good and the bad to teach us. Not to make us feel like crap and make it seem like He hates us. He doesn't. Think of how stupid and stubborn humans are. (Don't get insulted. It's totally true in one way or another.) If God can change such stubborn people, how awesome is that? How much glory does that give Him?
Tons.
Doubts are a part of it. Wanting to change is a part of it. Pain is a part of it. Joy is a part of it. But here is what we must do: go along with it. Believe. Hope. Love. Let yourself fall. I know it's difficult. Believe me, I do. If you want to talk to someone who has a huge fear of love (even though you probably wouldn't be able to tell since she loves so much), well...you're already reading her blog.
If the girl who is loveophobic can sit here and know that she loves everyone in spite of that fear, you can love. You may be even more terrified than I am. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if there are people much more scared than I am. I expect it. But I understand if you're scared. I still am too.
I sit here, revelling in the feeling I've gotten the past few days. The breakdown, the buildup, the feeling I get when I finally let myself cry over God. I am getting weaker through sin and stronger through God.
A person can only get so weak. But there is never a limit to strength.
If none of this made sense to you, I'm sorry. If you're bored, I'm sorry. If you never want to read a post from me again, I'm sorry. But one thing I will not apologize for is writing this. Now, if you're just confused and you want to talk to me, go ahead. I would love that.
I'm going to end this with the three words that took me the longest to utter: I love you. I don't care who you are or what you've done. I'm a jerk sometimes (by accident, of course) but I really do love you. You can doubt that. Go right ahead. But doubts are just another part of it, aren't they?
God loves you much more than I possibly can, and I love a lot. Remember that :)
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