When you trust someone and they treat you like poo, it stinks. (Yes, I know. Poo and stink. I'm so clever.) But seriously. God places people in your life that you will learn from, or who will learn from you, or both. The lessons aren't always pleasant though. They turn out for the best eventually, but the pain always cuts deeper than if someone you didn't trust as much hurt you. Humans have scars on their hearts. Humans bear the marks of every bit of heartbreak they face because heartbreak never leaves you. That probably sounds really depressing, but it's true.
The deeper you love, the deeper the scars go. It's a sad part of love. I am all for loving deeply, or else I wouldn't even be writing this, but the pain of love goes almost as deep as the love itself. People can come up to you and say that love is a wonderful thing, and that's fine and dandy, but it isn't the whole truth. Love itself is perfect. The pain that results sometimes is obviously not.
Those who love are overwhelmed with the joy of it, but they can also be some of the most scarred people you know. Look at me, for example. I love a bit too much at times, and then, I sit at home just hurting. Maybe that's just because I'm a big ole softie deep down. Maybe it's because it's always the same people who hurt me. I don't know. But as I sit here, feeling the full effect of the scars I wear on my heart, I can honestly say that sometimes, I just don't want to deal with love anymore.
I suppose you can say that I fell in love with love. I enjoyed the feeling of it so much, I surrounded myself with it as much as possible. That is not necessarily a bad thing for some people, but perhaps that wasn't the best choice for me.
I have a problem with wanting to help people. "What? That's a problem? Janie, what the heck are you thinking?" For me, it is indeed a problem. I don't tell myself no. When I see that someone needs help, I always sacrifice my own self to try to help. I never tell myself no. I never see that I can't save everyone.
I'm not like Jesus. Obviously. Jesus never had to stop himself from helping anyone because He could seriously help everyone. But my entire life, I just wanted to help every single person I encountered. Deep down, I want more than anything to be like Jesus. A person can be like Jesus, but not completely. You can be like Jesus, but you can't be Him. My problem is that I can never figure out where that line is in my life.
The other day, I realized that the person I'd been trying to help was only tearing me apart. This was of no fault of theirs. It was my fault. I was letting go of everything I'd built up, tearing myself down, so that I could build them up instead. But that isn't healthy for humans. We're not Jesus.
We can't be nailed to a cross and die for mankind. We can pick up our own cross and carry it, we can be whipped to the point where our backs are raw, we can do it all in the name of the Lord, but when it comes down to it, we can't be nailed upon that cross. There's a reason why Jesus did it: so that we wouldn't have to.
The inside of me is screaming. It wants me to go up on that cross and die. It wants me to be Jesus, but I can't. I can help others, I can love others, but I can't be Jesus. If I had the choice, I would die exactly how Jesus did. Yes, that sounds messed up and masochistic, but I would. If I could die knowing that I would be saving mankind, I would do it.
I can't. I am not capable of something like that. I am not the Messiah. I am Janie, a sixteen year old from Tennessee who is going to die the way God wants her to.
I am called crazy for this. I am called a radical. I am called a martyr.
Call me what you want. I am who I am, and I am a girl who is living the crazy life God picked out. Most of the time, people just look at me and say, "You're doing all of this because of God? Don't you think that's a bit extreme?"
Yes. As a matter of fact, I do. I am extreme for God and I am insane and I am going to shout that to the Heavens because the One in Heaven is the only one who needs to hear my crazy self. Take that conformity.
I don't go to church. Yep, that's right. I left my last church because it was just a bunch of people who thought that God only resides in the pews and in the pages of a Bible. They went to church Wednesday and Sunday, and got home in time for football. Those people are perfectly kind. They are God's children, but they are not who God wants me to be with. So instead of going there, I worship at home. I am waiting until God calls me to a new church and if He doesn't, so be it. He has the plan.
I have been hurt and betrayed by those around me. I still love them, but I love God much more. It still hurts when they hurt me, but God knows what's up. I am sitting here hurting right now, but God is in charge. If I'm meant to get over this, I will. If I'm meant to hurt some more, I will.
I didn't use to think this way. I used to not curse and I would wear a cross around my neck so that people could see me and be like, "Oh, she's a Christian. Good for her." I lost that cross necklace, and now I see why. It's gone for a reason. God didn't want me to wear it anymore.
Confession: I curse. Not a lot, but I do. I don't feel guilt over it either. Humans made those words bad. Humans made them taboo. Humans gave them negative connotations. When the Bible tells us not to swear, it's talking about not swearing on God's name, or making a promise that you can't keep. God knows what promises you can keep, and you don't.
Why would God say that a word is bad now when those words weren't taboo before? Seriously. It's us. Calm down. A word is just a word. The only word that must be used carefully is "God" because the second we start using it in vain is the second we take God for granted. Now, I don't know about you, but I would prefer if that did not happen.
The moral of this post is (since it was really long):
- You're going to get hurt. Make the choice as to if that pain really does benefit you in the end. If not, take a step back.
- Don't expect to be Jesus when you become a Christian, or that will be the biggest disappointment you'll ever face. Appreciate the glory of Jesus, don't try to steal His glory (even if it's by accident).
- Don't call someone crazy when they live for God. What we consider "radical" now was normal two thousand years ago.
- If you think reading your Bible and going to church every week makes you a Christian, no offense, but you better check yourself before you wreck yourself.
I realize that is probably not a post some of you would expect, but there it is. *cue extremely cliche, but extremely true, ending*
Be yourself.
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