No, I am not a PowerPuff Girl. Although, if I had the choice, I'd want to be Buttercup. This is probably because I am the most like her (Blossom is too nice to be me, and Bubbles is too adorable).
Lately, I've wanted to be anyone but myself. It seemed like no matter which direction I turned, I was surrounded by stress, heartache, and doubt. I let myself drown in it. I felt the Janie I am slip away, and I was enabling it. I was ashamed. I know the last thing you want to read is a story about how I've been struggling, but there is a point to this. I promise.
I know exactly who I am. I know exactly who I want to be. I also know that those two things can't be the same. It's a type of knowledge that everyone refuses to face for a long time. Everyone wants to control who they are: to be smarter, stronger, prettier, funnier, nicer, better. Everyone wants to write the characteristics they want on a piece of paper and cross them off as they go along.
My list is as follows: I want to be nicer, less petty, more confident, more independent, more compassionate, less sarcastic, less awkward, less loud, more open, less consumed with guilt. Finally, I want to be less doubtful.
I don't doubt just anything. I always doubt the same thing: God. The easiest thing to doubt is the thing you love the most. It isn't that you don't believe, it's that you think it's too good to be reality.
I know that my personal Faith (this may not be the case with you) is that I hope against all reason that God exists. What's sad is that in my heart, I can't NOT believe. It's not an option for me. I've fallen so deeply and so hard for God. I don't love God. I am in love with Him. You're allowed to think I'm weird. I don't care.
Part of my Faith is that I pray to Him that He isn't too good to be true. That He can and will remain my reality. I know that sounds really odd, praying to God that He exists, but it's what I do. The two things cancel out for me. When I doubt, I pray. When I don't, I pray. Either way, I am acknowledging that He is real.
I've talked about my doubts on here before. The thing is, doubt isn't something that can be talked about once and magically disappear. You can't wave a magic wand and say a spell and watch it vanish. It doesn't work that way.
I can feel my Faith changing. Consciously, it appears to be weakening. To the untrained eye, I am falling apart. But on the inside, the part that matters, I can feel my Faith getting stronger. The more I fall apart, the deeper I am falling for God. The phrase "falling" gives the automatic assumption that there is a bottom. That one can stop falling.
With me, love doesn't work that way. Once I start falling, I don't stop. God knows that I am not stopping with Him, no matter how many times my mind tries to tell me that I am. The war within me is no longer raging between God and Satan. God has won the war. He knows that. Satan has and continues to win a few battles. But God has me. I couldn't leave if I tried. No, now the war is raging between myself and well...myself.
Perhaps saying "now" was a bad choice of words. The war has always been between me and me. Always. The allies on each side were just different.
Here's how what I was talking about earlier comes in. You know, the lists and characteristics and stuff. Many have said that we cannot change. That we, as humans, are incapable of changing who we seem to be.
This is true.
But. The sentence is unfinished. We, as humans, are incapable of changing who we seem to be...without God. We don't make the change. We don't. You can argue with me on this, it doesn't matter. You're entitled to your opinion as I am to mine. This is mine, and you do not have to agree. But we need God to change us. We can't do it alone. If we change, it may seem like we are doing it, but we aren't. God is leading it.
A friend of mine said that life is "rigged". Like a game. Now, before you get upset, let me just say that in life, the game being rigged is NOT a bad thing. Nope. It's not. Because take a few seconds to think of who rigged it.
Yep. There you go.
God changes us for the good and the bad to teach us. Not to make us feel like crap and make it seem like He hates us. He doesn't. Think of how stupid and stubborn humans are. (Don't get insulted. It's totally true in one way or another.) If God can change such stubborn people, how awesome is that? How much glory does that give Him?
Tons.
Doubts are a part of it. Wanting to change is a part of it. Pain is a part of it. Joy is a part of it. But here is what we must do: go along with it. Believe. Hope. Love. Let yourself fall. I know it's difficult. Believe me, I do. If you want to talk to someone who has a huge fear of love (even though you probably wouldn't be able to tell since she loves so much), well...you're already reading her blog.
If the girl who is loveophobic can sit here and know that she loves everyone in spite of that fear, you can love. You may be even more terrified than I am. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if there are people much more scared than I am. I expect it. But I understand if you're scared. I still am too.
I sit here, revelling in the feeling I've gotten the past few days. The breakdown, the buildup, the feeling I get when I finally let myself cry over God. I am getting weaker through sin and stronger through God.
A person can only get so weak. But there is never a limit to strength.
If none of this made sense to you, I'm sorry. If you're bored, I'm sorry. If you never want to read a post from me again, I'm sorry. But one thing I will not apologize for is writing this. Now, if you're just confused and you want to talk to me, go ahead. I would love that.
I'm going to end this with the three words that took me the longest to utter: I love you. I don't care who you are or what you've done. I'm a jerk sometimes (by accident, of course) but I really do love you. You can doubt that. Go right ahead. But doubts are just another part of it, aren't they?
God loves you much more than I possibly can, and I love a lot. Remember that :)
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