My Rollercoaster Ride

You'd think that the idea of becoming a missionary would change me; that it would make me more careful and less sinful. You'd think that I would be less impatient or more generous. You'd think that it would change me in completely different ways than it actually did change me.

Funny how these things happen.

I really don't understand why God would want me to go to another country to try to change lives. I'm not a genius, I'm not beautiful, I'm not the most faithful person alive, I'm not selfless. I'm just a stupid girl who was put into a really scary and yet wonderful situation.

Every day of my life, I ask God, "why me?" It's not that I'm not grateful to be used by God in such an awesome way, but I can't for the life of me figure out why I was chosen. I go through my life trying to be worthy of what I was Called to do, and I can't do it. I would be much better suited to be a songwriter or a journalist or a small business owner or the writer of teen angst novels. (Not that I am by any means downgrading any of these professions. They just fit who I am.) I would be much better at being a housewife or a newspaper editor. Not a missionary. Why? Because that fits directly into God's standards. Your own standards have nothing to do with it.

I am not trying to scare any of you away from the idea of mission work. But for me personally, I struggle with it. I don't know how to move any of those people. I don't know how to inspire. I'm not someone who stands out like that. I'm loud, sure. However, for my entire life, I've been someone who can fit easily into the background. When I shut my mouth, I become invisible. I have liked that. I liked having a forgettable persona. I didn't want anyone to remember me because then they would remember my countless faults. My very very apparent flaws.

Yet, here I am, being thrust into the missionary spotlight. I am not comfortable with this yet. I'm sorry, but I'm not. To most, I come off as a loud, bubbly, and very annoying girl who needs to learn when to A- stop talking and B- grow up.

Confession time? I spend my time in self-induced seclusion and silence. I over-think every interaction I have with another person, so I've made it to where they don't want to interact with me anymore. At this very moment, I am just sitting here listening to classical music and writing. This is how I spend the majority of my time. I curl inside this shell I've made for myself and attempt to disappear, until God prompts me to write one of these posts to tie me to the world again.

Don't get me wrong, I have friends. I have people I lean on, but those people have everyone else too. I don't. I'm the one who used to have five text messages from different people every time I woke up, and now I can go all day without hearing from anyone. I did this to myself, and it all happened after I received my Calling.

Once I learned that I would have to spend my entire life reaching out, I retracted my current grasp. I pushed and I shoved until everyone who would come to me learned to go to someone else. I consider this subconscious denial of what I will become. This is my betrayal.

So why am I becoming a missionary? I can't answer that anymore. I used to be able to, but I can't anymore. I feel the desire to help so strongly within me, but it's like another part of me just wants to be alone forever and not have to deal with the interactions I so often over-think and over-analyze and inevitably screw up.

This is my struggle. I am over-thinking my interactions with God. I am second guessing everything He wants me to do, not on purpose, but subconsciously.

I wish that I had more Faith. I am going blindly into a third world country where I could easily die as soon as I step off of the plane, and yet I am still struggling. I don't know what it is. I don't have any answers to the millions of questions I feel circulating within my mind.

I know that some of you read this for hope. I know that some of you read this out of curiosity.

Now, I can't promise that my posts will be entertaining or inspiring, but I can promise that they will be honest. This is me. If you are a regular reader, you will begin to see how I've changed and continue to change. If you are not, you'll either get me on a good day, or a bad one. I'm not sure what this day is.

I guess the moral of this is: God will choose anyone, whether you agree or not. Ready or not, here He comes. Be scared, be joyful. Let yourself feel the roller coaster of emotions He gives you because they change you. You'll thank Him one day.