Okay, so we're obviously not in Oz...and maybe this thing isn't exactly "bad", but it's strange. It's definitely strange.
The other night, in order to escape the chaos that is my household, I went to hang out with two of my friends. One of those friends is currently engaged and we started talking about God. I told her about my quest to become a missionary and we had the usual conversation I have when that subject comes up. I told her why, I told her where, I told her my plans. Then, like two typical girls, the subject of boys came up. I told her that for me, if I even got married, my husband would either A- have the exact same plans as me (not likely), B- have no plans at all (even less likely since I like a guy with ambition), C- have plans that maybe could fit in with mine (eh, I suppose it's possible), or D- have plans and yet was still willing to go wherever God sends him (ding, ding, ding, we have the most likely option).
She told me that God told her who she was going to be with, but not where she was going. So the other girl we were with was like, "You guys are the exact opposite then. You know where you're going but not who you'll be with, and she knows who she is going to be with but not where she's going. That's interesting."
It got me thinking. And I don't mean, "Hm, that's weird" type of thinking. I'm talking about, "Goodness gracious, what on Earth? I am going to drive myself insane by thinking about this for the next two hours" type of deal. Yeah, yeah. That sounds weird, but still.
I hear stories of missionaries all the time, and they are all going with what God wants, no matter if they are alone or if they have someone. I admire that, and I intend on doing it myself, but that question always pops into my mind.
Yes, I am 16. Yes, I don't need to be thinking about marriage. And yet...since the rest of my future has a general plan, I'm getting impatient. I just want to know already, that way I can get it over with. I mean, that probably sounds harsh, but it's true. I just want to know.
Newsflash about God: He keeps you in the dark 99% of the time when it comes to anything about your life. He'll tell you enough to keep you on the right path, but He gives you space to learn and figure it out for yourself.
Honestly, half of the time, I pray that He'll just make all of my decisions for me so that I know everything about my life. The kicker is that I know that if I were to know everything about my future, I wouldn't be as interested in my life as I am. It's an unpleasant catch 22.
I probably sound whiny and annoying, but because God has let me in on an aspect of my future, I am seriously craving more knowledge. It's a curse, I guess. My endless curiosity, that is. I'm grateful for the knowledge He has given me, but I always seem to want more, and I hate that. I really do. I wish that I could just be content with where I am and go with the flow in regards to where I'm going, but I'm not at that point yet.
Actually, I used to be there, but then I fell in love. The first time you fall in love sets off a clock in your head that ticks away every second you are alone. I fell in love with love, and to this day, I just want to be in love again. Love makes me feel closer to God, in a way. That may sound weird, but it's true. Since love comes from God, being in love makes me more in awe of Him because He gave me the power to be in love with someone, whereas I used to think that I wasn't capable of loving someone on Earth that much.
It all comes down to my fatal flaw: impatience with myself. Everything brews down to that. Seriously. Everything.
The moral of this is: don't be like me. When God let's you in on something, cherish it. Don't crave more. You'll just drive yourself insane.
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