Being a Christian is like grasping at straws.

Lately, I've been struggling with various theological questions that both blow my mind and confuse the heck out of it. For the past several months, I've lived my life through question after question. It seems like Christianity has not answered any of my questions at all, but has actually sprouted ones that are both more numerous and more challenging. I've read tons upon tons of theological books, searching for answers and seeking my version of truth: something logical, something I can believe in, something that I can share with others when they ask me the exact same questions. However, for each "answer" that I've found, I've realized that answer could be completely wrong.

This is the foundation of my belief system: the belief that I have absolutely no system. I sit in my room for hours, thinking about the things that I want to know, and yet every time I spend loads of time on a question, I usually just confuse myself more. I search and search for something that makes sense, and at the same time I laugh at myself because I'm searching for something that is not possible. How so? Well, because faith isn't exactly something that can make sense. Sure, we can read the books and do the research and hope/pray that we find a logical answer, but is that ever really what we find?

I guess what I'm saying here is that every time I think that I find an answer, it's usually just a shot in the dark or something that may be slightly supported. It's basically a theory. Yeah, my faith is based on theories. 

I love theology. I truly do. However, in the amount of time it has taken me to see my love for theology, I've also never been more confused or more happy to be confused. I know for a fact that I'm pretty much just grasping at anything I can find, but I actually enjoy it. 

I suppose this can be backed up by a quote that I saw today from Matthew Paul Turner's blog, Jesus Needs New PR. "How is it possible to seek truth when you're convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that you already know it by heart?"

This is what I am doing. I am seeking truth with the knowledge that I will never truly find it and enjoying the ride. Sure, there are things in this life that I know within my own heart are true; things in my faith that I believe with all my heart, things that make me who I am. But just because I believe so strongly that they are true does not necessarily mean that they are. I'm not God here. The questions I've encountered and even came up with myself far outweigh the answers. Strangely, I think I am okay with that.

I learned a long time ago that if I wanted to be a Christian, I had to accept the fact that I could not always be right and that I could not always have an answer. Basically, I had to tell myself that I am dumber than God. Now, I know for a fact that I am dumber than God. However, sometimes I catch myself hoping that God would twist events according to my own plans instead of His/Her own. 

But I am not capable of having any answer or any "correct" plans. The thing I am capable of is seeking truth. Only seeking. As I seek truth, I can then further seek God because as far as I'm concerned, one can never be done with seeking God. 

So as I continue reading books about theology and researching the seemingly endless cycle of questions that I have in my head, I know that I am probably just grasping at straws. But hey, better to grasp at straws than to think you already know everything. Besides, in my head, the straws are colorful and bendable, which we all know make everything much more fun. Who wouldn't want that?

Now, I know what some of you may be thinking. "What about the Bible? Isn't that absolute truth?" Well, that's another question I've been plagued with. I can't answer that. To me, it seems like no matter what doctrine you believe in or the belief system you have, there are bound to be contradictions. So the point of faith is not to overturn or figure out every contradiction, but to at least familiarize yourself with all sides so that you can be knowledgeable enough to care. Caring about the questions or the contradictions is how you grow within your faith. It's how you seek truth, instead of clinging to the thought that you already have it absolutely. 

I used to be someone who was obnoxious with "answers"; I believed that I had absolute truth, and I was actually pretty much a jerk with it. However, for me, a part of growing up is not only knowing that you don't have any absolute answers about life, but also any absolute answers about God. Yet, with that knowledge, you have to learn to be okay with it. 

So I admit here that I don't have everything figured out, and nor will I. The things I say about God or theology are just the theories I have at that current time. None of it is absolute. Now, I'm not saying that we can't ever say anything about God to others because we could be wrong, but what I am saying is that we have to be open about it. Don't cling to your version of absolute truth, because someone else's could be just as absolute as yours. Have an opinion and believe in that opinion, but be respectful about it. 

Love your questions just as much as you love your answers, but know that they both could change. 

I'm back. So what's on my heart? Sour milk, strawberries, and whey protein.

So as you can see, I've returned to blogging. I won't really give a reason why because honestly, I don't even know the reason why. However, here I am. I'm just going to jump right into this.

Tolerance. That word right there. It bugs me. It's supposed to have a good connotation and it's supposed to be a sign of acceptance and an open mind. The antonym to bigotry, if you will. But. I'm going to be honest here and say that I HATE that word. It seems like saying, "I tolerate what you believe," is just awful to me. If it had a flavor, it would be like sour milk, strawberries, and whey protein. (Just a hint, it's not a good combination.)

Toleration does not mean acceptance. I tolerate the fact that mosquitoes think of me as a buffet. (Except they die right after they bite me. Seriously. I have witnesses.) I tolerate the fact that I am ridiculously afraid of germs. (But I get sick less often now.)  I tolerate the fact that I'll never be able to fulfill all of my ambitions if I continue down the path I've been subconsciously following for a while now.

Guess how much I accept all of those things I "tolerate"? Yeah, the answer is zero.

I really just do not like that word. I'm not going to walk up to someone and say, "I tolerate you." That just sounds completely awful. "Hi, I know that you believe completely differently than I do, but I just want you to know that I tolerate you."

Does that not sound absolutely condescending and/or mean? Goodness gracious. I think I dislike the whole concept of "toleration" than I dislike the concept of a closed mind.

Well....not really. But toleration is kind of like feeling nothing at all, especially no love. Because let's be honest here, what means more? "Hey, I tolerate you" or "Hey, I just want you to know that I love you"?

Toleration is not acceptance, and I can't allow myself to tolerate that fact. I admit that I am not as loving as I should be at times, so this isn't a hypocritical rant. (Or at least, I'm trying not to let it turn into that.) I admit that there are certain people who just get under my skin. I also admit that I HATE that. I hate that I allow myself to make exceptions to the whole, "Lift everyone up" thing. In fact, I know that there are a few people that I have torn down...and not by accident.

For this, I want to apologize.

I don't want to create a subconscious list of the people I love vs. the people I tolerate. There should only be one list, a list of love. In other words, my own version of LOL. (Yeah, I'm so creative, right?)

I'm sick of telling myself that I'm not a "tolerator", when I am. But the beauty of realizing this is that I have love, aka God, on my side. Now, I'm not the most faithful person in the world, but I am probably one of the most stubborn. I refuse to become a being of toleration instead of a being of love. Even if my faith lags at times...which it does...I can rely on my God given stubbornness to keep me semi on point on this.

I'm not going to guarantee to be perfect. That's impossible. But I can at least try to love everyone else more than I do now. I know that there is plenty of room in my heart for more. Even if some find that my heart is not a place where they want to be, which I would definitely understand. So toleration still leaves that taste of sour milk, strawberries, and whey protein in my mouth, but at least I'm attempting (that being the key word) not to tolerate toleration anymore. I accept that.

I don't really know why I wrote this...so I guess I'm going to try my hand at shutting up now. No need to beat  a dead horse. (Both literally and figuratively...)

A Confession and a Final Word

When I first started writing this blog, I just wanted a place to put my thoughts, my faith, and my relationship with God on paper (or on internet). I wanted to be able to look at this blog years from now and see how I've grown. I wanted to open myself up and make myself stay open.

That didn't happen. None of it happened, or will happen. I invented this thought in my head that this was the solution to the problems I've been having lately; that this was the key to keeping myself open to God and to those around me. I wrote because I wanted to somehow make these jumbled thoughts in my head make sense. I wrote because I wanted something to be proud of. I wrote for myself.

Well, this post has been a long time coming. I've been trying to find the words to say for weeks now, but I've never actually had the guys to sit down and write them out. I was too afraid.

Somewhere along this blogging train, I started writing for others instead of myself. I was thinking about the problems others were having around me, and I wrote solutions for them. I attempted to answer the questions others asked me. I wrote to please.

What's even worse is that I saw other blogs like mine that I thought wrote to please and I judged them. I branded myself with "Hypocrite" written in bold across my forehead. I looked down at them because they wrote on what would get readers, and I wrote on what I wanted to. I had no clue that what I was doing was writing to please.

I started hitting the refresh button on the blog statistics page, eager to see how many read my blog. I saw my blog being nominated for a web award, and I beamed with joy that I was so popular.  I lied to myself, and I lied to you.

I started this with good intentions, and they went down the tubes because I'm not mature enough to handle those intentions yet. I became more concerned with numbers and less concerned with being open about my relationship with God. I closed myself off and wished for those numbers to rise even more.

In all of that time I was writing to you about my "spiritual journey", I wasn't just lying to you. I was lying to myself. Though those posts had true basis on my life, I wasn't listening to what I had to say. I preached to you and refused to look into the mirror and see the liar staring back at me. I got so consumed with the prospect of people actually listening to me, I stopped listening to my own words.

The thing is, I want to be able to sit here and write and not be concerned about how many, if any, are reading. I want to sit here and quit saying cookie cutter things to you. I want to, but I'm not spiritually mature enough for that yet. I'm still a baby. If my faith had an age, it would be in the negative numbers. I'm not strong enough to sit here and be open about my faith to you when I can't even be open about my faith to myself. I wish I could do that, but I can't. I'm sure many newborn Christians could do that, but for me personally, I can't. I just can't.

I can't reference scripture for you. I look up verses on the internet before I site any. The verses I do site on my own are only small recollections, things I've seen recently or have ingrained into my brain. I can't tell you inspiring things about my life because they're all branded by the same word: hypocrite.

Now, hypocrisy can and is forgiven. If you came up to me and told me your struggles, I'd still love on you and treat you no differently than I would anyone else. But I can't forgive myself for my own hypocrisy. I haven't gotten to that point yet.

I know that I started this with good intentions, but those kind of went down the tubes. I don't want to tempt myself with numbers anymore. I have enough temptation as it is.

So I guess this is me saying goodbye. Maybe it's temporary, maybe it's permanent. I don't know. But what I do know is that I can't allow myself to sit here and write things that I think you'll want to read instead of things that are really sitting hard on my heart. I won't let myself be consumed by statistics anymore.

I'm sorry that I'm not a good example to follow. I wish that I could be better for you guys, but I can't. If you're seeking perfection, seek Jesus. I'm shattered, scarred, and broken. When I'm more mature, maybe I'll return to this, but right now, I just need to straighten my faith out. Believe me, it has a lot of knots in it. Knots of things I'm too embarrassed to mention, and that's the sign that I'm not mature enough for this.

That's it, I guess.

Signed,
The Broken, Shattered, Hypocritical, and Messed Up Wannabe Missionary

Anyone interested in helping a third world country? Anyone?

I've been thinking lately. (Actually, I think always, but I digress.) I've been thinking that I may have too much ambition for Chad to bring all of those ambitions to fruition alone. To those of you who know me personally, you know me as a very ambitious person. I want to help at whatever way, shape or form that I physically and mentally am capable of no matter the cost. But the bad thing about ambition is the disappointment you may allow yourself to feel if you achieve anything less. I know that to achieve even one thing on my list of wishes for Chad would be a huge blessing, but I know that I probably won't be able to accomplish the entire list, let alone by myself.

Here's what I've been thinking: Why would I go there alone? I get to go and meet wonderful people and do wonderful things, so why should I be the only one who can experience that? Honestly, by me thinking that I'll be going alone, that's me being selfish. I want to share Chad and the glory there with anyone and everyone. Chad is not mine.

I think God is laying something new on my heart. I think He wants me to gather a group of those who love Him together so that we can make the difference He wishes to see. I don't think I'm supposed to be "the missionary who went to Chad"; I think He wants me to be one of those who changes Chad for the better. Plural, not singular. God has showed me that all great things done through Him should be shared so that others can see His grace. I want to share this.

So I am going to list off a few of my ambitions for Chad here. When I say it's very ambitious, I am not exaggerating. If you want to accompany me to Chad or you're interesting in going down for a mission trip or you just want to find a way to get involved after you read this, I'd be honored if you'd let me know. I may not be going to Chad permanently for a few years, but that doesn't mean that Chad has to wait on me.

In Chad, I wish to:

 - Establish new schools for all ages. Almost half of Chad's people (46.7%) is 14 years of age or younger. This demographic needs to be reached because if we can reach the children, we can then reach the entire country as time progresses. Plus, higher education in Chad is practically non-existent. The only main university is the University of N'Djamena and it is severely underfunded (as is to be expected) and is falling to pieces. Those children deserve opportunities of higher education too. The more we educate the people, the better the country as a whole can become. We then can gain doctors, teachers, scientists, etc. Education is essential.

 - Establish churches. In Chad, there already is a Christian population. It is not the majority of the country, but it is larger than some of Chad's African counterparts. (Southern Sudan would surpass Chad percentage wise, except Sudan has not split yet. However, it will soon. The referendum produced numbers of 99% in favor of the split.) Chad has a few churches establish, but again, they are falling apart. I want to put in not only new churches, but to re-establish the old ones too. God's message is too great to not be shared.

 - Establish homeless shelters and refugee centers. Due to the strife in Darfur, Sudan, many refugees have traveled into Chad seeking a new home since theirs were destroyed. I want to provide these people with what they need so that they can survive until they go back to their old villages to rebuild, or I want to provide them with a way to become citizens of Chad. However, the homeless population of Chad is steep and I would not want to bring new citizens into the country just to have them living out on the streets. So with the refugee centers, homeless shelters would come as well.

 - Strengthen Doctors Without Borders in Chad. To read why, you can refer here: http://www.doctorswithoutborders.org/news/country.cfm?id=2286

 - Establish orphanages. This one is huge for me, as my own home will serve as open for anyone who needs a place to stay (Both children and adults). However, a child who has lost their parents does not need to end up on the street (Obviously, nobody needs to end up on the street, but this is particularly dangerous for children). As I previously stated, 46.7% of Chad is 14 years old or younger. I want to give Chadian children what every child wants most: to be loved. Now, I will love every single person I come into contact with there, but those children (and the adults too) deserve more love than just mine. Any orphanages established will be more than a promise of family, but a guarantee. Any orphanages established will be through love, not desperation. The orphanages themselves will be homes filled with love and adoration. Plus, what better way to show a child the beauty of God than to provide them with love? My love may not be enough for all of these people, but God's definitely is.

 - Clean up the country, one village at a time. This will take serious time and manpower that will most likely extend for years after I am dead, but it needs to be done. No country has to be third world. It will take a lot of effort to make this happen, but I think it's definitely possible (since all is possible through God). I know that I won't live to see the entire country lose third world status, but I want so much to be able to look down after I'm dead and see the good done and still being done there.

I told you I was ambitious. Now, I realize that I won't be able to do this alone, and that the effort will have to continue long after I'm gone, but I know that some serious good can be done. I'll probably establish a few organizations there so that all efforts will continue after my death. Progress should never be halted.

For the next several years, I am pretty much going to spread all of this to anyone who will listen. It may be obnoxious to some, but it needs to be done. I know that I'm not the only one who wants to make a change like this, and I want to find those people, love on them, and then share the beauty of Chad with them if they wish. Whether it's a donation or a mission trip or even becoming a citizen like I will, I know that anything helps.

I'm so excited about this. I feel so blessed. I can't even describe how much.

I know that changes like these take time and effort, but I know that it will be worth it. God wouldn't have it happen if the effort would just go to waste. He'd have people do something else. So I'm not tiptoeing into this. I'm diving headfirst.

But I'm not the only diver out there.

Satan wants to cover you in spiders and twirl his handlebar mustache.

One of my least favorite things in the world: spiritual warfare. Only what stinks even worse about it is that it always keeps coming back. It's a pattern. I'm exuberant with the thought of God, and then the warfare creeps right back up on me, and then it repeats again and again. Personally, I picture spiritual warfare as a ton of spiders that just crawl all over you. You feel it and it gives you a serious case of the heebie jeebies and you try to fight it off by doing random motions that pretty much do nothing.

How I feel with spiders is how I feel with spiritual warfare. When I have a spider on me (*gags*), I jerk my arms around and jump up and down and pretty much do whatever I can to attempt to get the stupid spider off (I really hope an army of spiders doesn't come and attack me now for revenge...). Usually, I'm so consumed with getting the darn thing off that I don't think about the motions I make before I make them. I rely on knee jerk reactions to get me through instead of trying to calmly think things over.

When I am being spiritually attacked, I don't think. I act, and instead of it actually helping, I wind up not only feeling stupid for jumping around trying to get rid of it, but feeling weak from unneeded effort. Why? Because when spiritual warfare creeps up on me, the rest of my thoughts disappear. It's just me and the warfare spiders. I become so consumed with how much it freaks me out, I forget that if I just stayed still and thought about it, the solution would be clear.

Now, I really wish there was a universal solution to getting rid of spiritual warfare, but there isn't. We're attacked in different ways since Satan knows what makes us tick. He pushes our buttons and loves watching us squirm. Every time I imagine Satan engaging me in spiritual warfare, I imagine him twirling a handlebar mustache (Don't ask me why I imagine him with a mustache. I think it's because in a ton of old movies, the villain has a handlebar mustache...) and maniacally laughing while saying, "Release the spiders!"

Am I the only one who finds that image intensely creepy? I mean, seriously. Satan is already the epitome of creepy, so Satan + Handlebar mustache + Spiritual spiders = Ridiculously bad. The only thing creepier to me is if Satan was a clown. Because, you know, clowns are supposed to be so happy and cool, when really they're just completely terrifying. (Plus, every time I think of clowns, I imagine a clown with really scary make up widening his eyes and slowly moving closer to me....or doing this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hFHBtu6Nb40)


Off of the subject of my coulrophobia... Satan wants to watch you squirm. He wants to cover you in spiders and twirl his mustache. He wants to watch you flail. He wants to see you suffer.

Well, honestly, Satan has been getting that out of me lately. He's been attacking me again and again, and I don't stop and think. I don't stop and pray. I rely on my knee jerk reactions. I try to shake off the spiders.

If anything kills me, it will be spiritual warfare. Not some Janjaweed rebel strolling into Africa with the intent of randomly massacring everyone they see. Not disease. Not a freak accident. It will be spiritual warfare. I'd rather die any other way a thousand times than "die" of spiritual warfare. All of those other things are physical deaths, whereas spiritual warfare is spiritual death (Obviously, sense the term is "spiritual death").

I consider my Faith the epitome of two things: Strength and weakness. My Faith is strong and extremely fragile at the same time. This is why I am so terrified of spiritual warfare; it could shatter my Faith, and my Faith is who I am. I am nothing without it. Trust me, I've lived without it before. It hardly constituted a life. I felt empty, like something was missing. And obviously, something was missing: Me.

Spiritual warfare is my worst enemy, aside from Satan himself. I always mess up when I try to fix it, and I always feel bad because of that screw up to the point where it just makes the spiritual warfare worse. I turn into one giant ball of turmoil. That turmoil shakes me to my core every time, and since my Faith is already fragile, I seize up in the fear that my Faith may shatter. If my Faith shatters, I shatter. Period.

I wish that I could tell you a sure fire way for how to get rid of spiritual warfare immediately, but I can't. Satan attacks us in different ways because it hurts him when we follow God. Satan wants us, and not in a good way (As I previously stated in one of my recent posts).

The moral of this is: Don't freak out from the heebie jeebies the spiritual spiders give you. Turn to God. He can make the spiders go away. Don't be like me. Think before you try to shake the warfare off of you. Don't allow Satan to twirl his handlebar mustache. Make him want you even more because he can't have you. Essentially, tease Satan with your Faith in God. He'll hate it. He'll keep trying to put spiders on you, but you don't have to let him succeed. Don't succumb to the fear. (Wow, all of these sentences were extremely short. I can feel my inner English lover blanching.)

You're stronger than you think, and you're bigger than the spiders.

I am expecting some serious arguments resulting from this.

So a few weeks ago, I had a discussion over email with one of my readers/siblings in Christ and I thought that it'd be really cool to share it. Now, before you say anything, I have asked them for their permission to share this and they said yes, so I'm not totally invading their privacy here. The only reason I am putting this up is because it shares none of their personal information. It shows mine, but then again, if I cared about that, I wouldn't have started this blog in the first place. But I am really proud of some of the points I made, and I think it may give you a bit more insight into my thought processes. However, I am totally open if you want to debate this with me for hours. I honestly am totally expecting it.

Here we go.

I have to say that I really admire your blog. I honestly think God has you ordained for great things in Chad. Your blog inspires me to read my Bible and to want to grow in my relationship with God and in my faith in Him. But, there's a couple of things I have to say that really bothers me about one of your posts, that is 'Not Anything Typical'. I want the following things to not be seen as being said out of anger or frustration. Rather, I say it out of love for a fellow Christ follower, and all of it just my beliefs and suggestions. 

The first thing is that you say you feel no regret if you happen to curse. (I don't want to sound like I'm trying to tell you what to do here, because that's not what I intend to do. I just think it's good for Christ followers to discuss their beliefs). You say that only man made those words bad and gave them those bad connotations. Therefore, if we rationalize it enough with the influence from our own thinking, because we all think and believe differently, that it's ok to say those words. However, I don't believe that that's the case. You say that humans gave those words those connotations, but that's just it. It's not the word. It's the word's meaning. I can say that I love God. The word 'love', in the simplest of terms, means to have a great affection or caring for. When I say that I love God, then I mean that I love God. Every once in a while, when I get really angry, hurt myself, or maybe even sometimes with friends I have that cuss, then I will cuss. And I always feel guilty after having done so. Those words have meaning, too. Psalms 19:14 says, "Let the words of my mouth be acceptable in your sight." and Ephesians 4:29 says, " Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth." This last verse, I must say, speaks to me as the most powerful verse regarding one's words. It is Proverbs 18:21 and it reads, " Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit". I'm really sorry if you feel like I'm trying to make you do or believe something, but that's not what I'm doing. I just hope you'll keep an open mind of what I'm saying.

The second thing is you talking about not going to church. I understand that this is probably a more sensitive subject for a Christ follower, so I'll do my best not to get too opinionated here, but I just think God is leading me to say this. I see what you said about the people at your old church being somewhat, well, 'blind', to what God wants and intends for them to be and who they are. I can understand not wanting to be with people who really don't take God as seriously as you do. And if I were you, I probably would have done the same thing, in leaving the church. But in regards to attending church, I personally think that should be one of a Christ follower's top priorities. You say that God will call you to the right church, but the way I see it, I think it's our jobs as Christ followers to seek out a place where we can find fellowship with other believers. Once we get to the right church, then God will tell us that we're in the right place. We can always have our friends invite us to church, we can see adds for a church or somehow find out about a church and have people tell us how good it is there. Chances are just about every church does or has people doing this. But, I don't think that every church saying those things can be right, because not all churches work the same way and teach the same doctrine. I'm not saying that it's bad to do that, because actually it's great for people and churches to be doing that, but I'm just saying that I believe it's our job to go looking for that right church. We can also wait for God to just show us the way to the right church, but I personally think that can be a sign of irresponsibility, but only in some cases.( Such as if, say, someone really isn't willing to go looking for a church and doesn't care enough, but thinks that God should just do everything for them.) If we seek out a church, then that is an act of faith, and I think God wants us to be proactive in our faith, because after all, that's what faith is: trusting and doing things for God.

A good reason for going to church is because God wants us to be in fellowship with other Christ-followers. Proverbs 15:31 says, "He whose ear listens to the life-giving reproof will dwell among the wise." I interpret this to mean that if you listen to the Word that people such as pastors who are ordained by God for what they do, then you will become wise such as they are in the Word by listening and being with those kind of people. Hebrews 10:24-25 reads, " ...and let us not consider how to stimulate one another to love and good deeds, not forsaking our own assembling together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another; and all the more as you see the day drawing near."

 

I hope you actually read this email, because it is pretty long, and I hope that you atleast take into consideration some of the things said here. The way I see it, these are just some of that things that God wants us to live by. I really don't want to sound like I'm telling you what to do, because that's just not right. I want you to see this as just advice from Christ follower to Christ follower. ( You've probably noticed I haven't used the word 'christian' in the sense that one would expect. I prefer the term Christ follower.) Thanks for listening.

First of all, I would like to say that I admire this person A LOT. It takes some serious guts to discuss this stuff with people. 

Here was my response:

Yes, I read the entire email :) And I really appreciate you taking the initiative to bring these things to my attention. However, naturally since I'm a (insert school name here) kid and love discussions like this, I have a few things that I would like to add to this so that I can expound on my previous words.

First, you stated, "You say that humans gave those words those connotations, but that's just it. It's not the word. It's the word's meaning." The meanings of cuss words are not actually bad as most would think. I shall refrain from saying the actual words since it would be ironic given the subject, but the f-word only means sex outside of marriage. The definition is not, in fact, bad. The "bad" meanings of cuss words do really come from us. The f-word is often taken out of context, and that's what makes it bad. In context, when the real meaning actually applies, the word itself is not negative. This is the same with the s-word, as it only means defecation. The word itself is not bad, but it is how it's used in context. Therefore, since the word in context is not inappropriate, then why should it be negative out of context as well? The true meaning of the words do not have the connotations we give them. In that light, I do not perceive the words as "bad words". I do agree that unwholesome words should not be said, but those words are truly unwholesome based on definition, not on connotation. I really hope that makes sense. Definition and connotation are two different things. 

As far as the fellowship thing, I agree. I have been going to a different church every week, trying to find the right fit, but I have not found it yet. Attending church for fellowship is one of my top priorities, but I am not going to fit myself into a church that God does not say is right. So I actually have been taking the initiative (which I failed to mention in my blog), I just haven't found the church for me yet. But everything you said about church and fellowship is absolutely correct, and I could not agree more.

Thank you SO much for taking the time to contact me about this. I know how speaking about subjects like these can be very difficult, so I admire that. It warms my heart to see people speaking out about stuff like this.

And also, thank you for reading my blog :)

Sincerely,

Janie

I'm not going to put the other emails after that in there, because it's really just us talking to each other. Not that these two emails aren't, but the ones after the first two don't really have anything much to add on the subject.

Anyhoo, if you would like to add anything to this discussion, don't hesitate to. You can comment on the post or email me at janie_sanford0902@yahoo.com. I don't care which one. But I promise that anything said to me will be completely confidential, unless you wish me to share it. Even then, I would not include your name.

But I really think that my fellow Christ follower and I made some good points, so hopefully you can actually get something out of this? Haha if not, oh well. I tried :)

I would just like to say that I feel so blessed to have such wonderful readers/brothers and sisters. I would also like to say that I love you guys and I feel incredibly lucky to have the chance to share with all of you.

So...yeah. I guess that's it :)

Love and all of that other jazz to you.

Satan is kind of like whoever broke Christina Perri's heart.

Just kidding. I'd never compare a person to Satan. That's wrong on so many levels. However, it seriously sounds like her song "Jar of Hearts" was written about Satan. Maybe you don't know what I mean? Well, I'll explain. I promise. But right now, I'm going to underline the lyrics that remind me of Satan.

I know I can't take one more step towards you
Cause all that's waiting is regret
And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore
You lost the love I loved the most

I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time
And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are?

I hear you're asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms

And I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time
And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are?

It took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
Cause you broke all your promises
And now you're back
You don't get to get me back

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?

As you can see, I underlined pretty much the entire song. Actually, I underlined the entire song with the exception of about four lines. Yeah...I'm going to start explanations now, one section at a time.

I know I can't take one more step towards you
Cause all that's waiting is regret


Alright, so that one is pretty self explanatory. With every step that we take toward Satan, be it willing or accidental, it always ends in regret. You may not regret it consciously, but I guarantee that it will slowly start to eat up your subconscious. Now, everyone steps toward Satan. It's like the story of Adam and Eve. Satan may be evil, but he can be very persuasive to us. The point is not to halt your steps, because God may use that step for His glory in the end, but the point is to realize the steps you are taking and try to slow them. 


I personally like to believe that I step away from Satan and into the arms of God, but I know that this isn't always the case. However, I can honestly say that I try to slow and/or remove those steps toward Satan. God sees those steps, and even if it eats at you and you regret it in the end, He can use it for a greater purpose in His plan. Trust me. I've witnessed this firsthand.


I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time


This one is slightly more tricky to dive into, but only slightly. Basically, it's saying that while we are dealing with Satan, we are dead. As we begin to see God, we gain life. It's the time that we're half alive (I hate to bring you bad news, but this is pretty much the time after you're Saved too) that Satan is the most dangerous. We're not fully alive (Hahaha Fully Alive by Flyleaf. Music reference win) until we're in Heaven by His side. Period. Satan's touch is like a disease. Once you get it, it stays with you until you find the true cure (aka God).  So from this, it says that we learned to live half alive (in other words, believe in God but still feel the pull of Satan's grasp) but now he wants us even more.


That's how Satan works. When you're dead through him, he doesn't put extra effort into you. If he knows that you'll never gain life, he won't try to keep you. You'll do that on your own. But when God gives us a heartbeat, that's when Satan wants us. It's the thrill of the chase, the forbidden fruit, etc. Satan wants a challenge, and Followers of God present the perfect challenge.

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are?

Big section! Okay, so obviously Satan thinks he's awesome. He runs around pretty much destroying people so that he can add their soul to his collection. That's all you are to him. Another number. Another addition on the shelf. Another statistic. Another item in his collection. He doesn't love you. He "tears love apart", because God is love. Satan is so far away from the warmth of God and His light, he's ice. (Dante's Inferno reference. It's fantastic. I highly suggest you read it.) In the Inferno, Satan is literally encased in ice. No movement, no warmth, nothing. Just the power to drag people down to Hell with him. I don't know about you, but spiritual hypothermia is not very appealing to me.

Satan collects souls, and even when he doesn't get your soul, he leaves scars on your life that can only be healed by God. Everyone has a scar from Satan. Everyone has felt the ice. But the real decision here is if you want to warm up? It IS possible to tell Satan to go away. To tell him that he can't have you. He'll keep trying, but it's up to you on if he succeeds. Satan will always try to come back for you, but you don't have to let him try to tug you back down into the ice. Stand up to him. How? With God's warmth surrounding you. Tell Satan no. (Nancy Reagan would be so proud of me right now. "Just say no!")

I hear you're asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms

This is pretty self explanatory too. Satan wants you. He's reaching toward you. He's asking for you. But you can resist him. With God there, you're too strong for Satan to succeed in "collecting you."

It took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes

Again, self explanatory. (If not, ask me. It's not like I mind. Hahaha) Honestly, it takes a long time for the ice left from Satan's touch to melt. In fact, I'm pretty sure mine hasn't melted, and I've been trying to warm up for about three years now. But one thing that doesn't take time is God's light within you. That's always there. It's just a matter of bringing it to the surface. 

Honestly, that's why I always try to see what type of a person someone is by their eyes. My first impression doesn't stem from anything else. Just eyes. I look at personality once I get to know someone better, but you can always tell what type of a person someone is by their eyes. I know it's cliche to say that "eyes are the windows to the soul" but frankly, most cliche phrases are true anyways. What better first impression than to have God's light shining bright in your own eyes?

And from there, the song pretty much repeats itself. But I seriously consider this song as something that can express someone's feelings as they stand up to Satan. I didn't make the connection at first, but I'm so glad that I did.

Think I'm completely wrong? Email me. Confused? Email me. Just wanna talk? Email me. I'm here for all of you :) My email is janie_sanford0902@yahoo.com. 

Oh and by the way, if you've never heard this song and you're totally confused, I'd highly recommend listening to it.

This post has too many different things in it for me to give it a suitable title.

I always seem to make wishes that something will happen. I make these wishes thinking that I know what's best for my life. I make them thinking that they will somehow make everything better. I make them thinking that my will is the best way to go.

I'm always wrong. I act on my own accord to make things go my own way, and then I have the insane notion to think that it's God's fault and that He deserves my frustration. I get mad at Him. Why? Because I want someone else to blame besides myself.

Some days, I sit down and I pray for God's will. Not because I don't think it will happen, but because I want to pray that I'll accept His will as the best. At times, I am successful. But I'm going to be honest here and say that I fail. A lot. I keep praying for my own will, not realizing that I'm slapping God in the face by doing so. When I pray for my own will instead of His, I am telling Him to His face that I think I know better than He does.

I know that I need to surrender to His will. Every time I think I've done this, something comes up and Control Freak Janie comes back into the picture. Not on purpose, of course, but because patience and surrendering to God's control are my Faith weaknesses.

Every Faith has its weakness. I have several, but the ones that pop up time after time are patience and the need to surrender absolutely to God when it comes to the timeline that is my life. If the timeline of my life and the timeline of God's plan were put side by side, it'd be impossible to see mine. It's that small.

And yet, I still allow pieces of my self to hold on to the thought that I know what's best for me. You'd think that I'd be able to learn that lesson easily looking back at the countless mistakes I've made in my life, but nope. Here it is again, the recurring theme of most of my posts: I'm stubborn.

I know that most think free will is a gift, and I can see how yes, it can be. But I'm going to be honest here and tell you that sometimes, free will stinks. It's not that I'm totally ungrateful, but sometimes I just wish I could allow my stubborn self to remember (all the time) that God is the one that knows what's up. Not me.

The strange thing is, I'm not sure if this is a crack in my Faith that I want to fix. Now, before you freak out, let me explain.

Through my flaws, through everyone's flaws, God's glory shines through. Being Saved isn't the act of being perfected. It's the act of being loved by something FOR our imperfections, instead of in spite of them. Believe it or not, God uses your flaws to bring Himself glory. So don't hate your flaws. Embrace them, because God can't shine through without them.

I struggle with embracing my flaws. I admit that. But my stubbornness, my impatience, and my control freak nature all bring God glory. Sometimes, it's hard to see how, but it's true. Why would God seek glory through perfection when He is already perfect? You can't perfect perfection. What is amazing is that God's light can be seen through such imperfect surfaces. What brings God more glory: having a ton of people as perfect as Jesus walking around, or sending Jesus to die for a species filled with countless flaws? My answer is the latter.

God is perfect. Yes, that makes Him awesome. But what makes Him even better is that He isn't stuck up about it. He doesn't say, "Because I am flawless and you are not, I can't love you." He says, "You're riddled with flaws, but that's just how I like it, and I love you for it."

He doesn't love us in spite of our flaws. He loves us for our flaws. He made us flawed. Why would He want us to attempt to be any other way?

So yes, I struggle with wanting my own will. I struggle with impatience. I struggle with stubbornness. I struggle with getting mad at Him when He does what He wants, but those are my flaws. Through those flaws, I know that God's grace and light can shine through.

I am not seeking a perfect Faith or a perfect life. I am seeking a chance to love myself because He loves me. I am seeking the opportunity to bring the One I love the most the glory He deserves. I am seeking the chance to use my imperfections to glorify God. I am seeking a life where I can sit here and get mad at myself for getting mad at God, and yet still feel His love.

The beauty of all of that seeking is that I already have it right in front of me. I may close my eyes to it at times, but it's always there.

I don't know about you, but I think that's pretty darn awesome. I know this is a huge understatement, but God is truly amazing. Everything I am, everything I'm not, everything I want to be, and everything I will be all come from Him. All of it. I may hate my flaws at times, but I know that makes and will make me more grateful.

God doesn't hate you for your flaws. He loves you for them. If He can love you, you can love yourself too. Don't put yourself down because you aren't perfect enough for God. He doesn't want perfection from you. If He did, He would've made you perfect.

I struggle with that. I struggle with loving my flaws (as you may have seen in some of my other posts). But I guess that's just another flaw that I'll learn to love :)

This just made my day.

So I was researching for my AP US History project about Philanthropy and a very small article popped up in Google. I was curious, so I clicked the link, and this is what I found:


"One of the saddest things I've heard came from a woman, about ten years ago, who approached me after I returned from visiting our mission work in Asia. This woman, a grandma, said she thought it was neat that I was able to go, and said, 'When I was young, I felt God calling me to be a missionary. But, well, I ended up getting married and having kids, and it never happened.' There was a definite tone of regret in her voice. She had lived a good life. But...what might have been? I think that question still plagued her, 40 years later. Instead of pursuing a glorious calling, she got married and raised good kids, who are now also raising good kids, and I'm sure those kids will grow up and raise good kids. Good, successful, comfortable, respectable, non-risk-taking kids. Which is better: that our society have all of these good church-going progeny, or that instead this woman, as a scared but obedient young woman, had gone to Africa and perhaps died there a few years later?"


I can't really explain why this touches my heart, but it does. Probably because I know what this woman went through and the choice she had to make because I am currently making that choice. For me, I know that not being a missionary isn't an option. It's a part of who I am. But what if I changed my mind? (Which, I won't, but I'm speaking hypothetically.) 


I don't begrudge this woman her decision. I truly don't. Why? Because I know how hard that decision is. I may be 16, but the same question pops into my head every day: What would I become if I didn't go to Africa?

I know that I can't give you an answer because I am afraid to imagine it. I am afraid of being tempted to change my mind. Actually, afraid is an understatement. I'm terrified. 

I wish I could meet this woman. I want to hug her.

Self worth is a really touchy subject.

I have this problem with never feeling good enough. Not just for God (which is obviously extremely true) but for anyone or anything. I read passages in the Bible talking about God's grace and mercy and love, and all the while I just think, "There is no way I deserve this. Not at all."

I read passages that state how I'm His child and that I am His heir, and I am just rendered speechless. Times like those make me pick out every single flaw that I have and stack them in my hands, presenting them to God so that He can see if He made a mistake or not.

Of course, He didn't. But that doesn't mean that it doesn't feel that way. I feel like there is no way God could love me. I'm too flawed. Too stubborn.

And yet, here I am in utter disbelief. I guess it's both bad and good disbelief, but it's disbelief all the same.

You see, I have this issue with self worth. I have a home, and I don't deserve it. I have friends, and I definitely do not deserve them. I have opportunities, and I don't deserve them. I am God's child, and I do not deserve this honor.

The thing that stinks about this is that it isn't that I lack self esteem. It's that I know all of these things are absolutely true, and I allow myself to sit in disbelief instead of appreciation. Sure, I am appreciative of all of these things, but I am often struck into silence by the fact that I am undeserving of everything I have received.

Maybe this knowledge will make me even more appreciative, but right now, it honestly just hurts. It hurts to know that I'll never be good enough. It hurts to know that the one person I want to deserve the most, God, is the one person I will never be good enough for. The thing that hurts even more than that is that I'll never be capable of loving Him as much as He loves me. He loves more than words can say.

I am not good enough for anything I have received, and yet I still received it anyways. If this isn't a testament to God's glory, I don't know what is.

I beg this of you: Allow yourself to be appreciative. God didn't have to create you and love you, you know. But don't be like me. Don't wallow in it. You'll spare yourself a lot of pain that way.

I think my literature is lacking.

To be honest, I'm not somebody who regularly dives into my Bible, thirsting for something new. I don't have the books of the Bible memorized, and I don't know all of the stories some kids hear so much, they get tired of them when they're little.

But I want to dive into my Bible. Every day, I tell myself, "This is the day I will start to read my Bible every day. This is the day I will soak up everything in my Bible like a sponge." I tell myself that, but I'm pretty good at lying to myself. It's not that I don't want to dive into it. (Believe me, I want to.) I just get so caught up in homework or family stuff or attempts to actually sleep for once. I allow myself to make these excuses for myself, saying that God loves me anyways. Which, He does. But, that does not mean that He doesn't deserve better from me. I know for a fact that I'll never be able to deserve the love God has for me, but that doesn't mean that I should put any less than my all into this.

I'm not giving my all, and I absolutely hate that.

My Bible sits on my nightstand day by day, just begging to be opened. Begging to be read and loved. But my AP US History flash cards sit perched on top of that Bible, the perfect image of how I've let my priorities slip. I have put something before God, which obviously is a huge no-no.

I don't think I can even describe how much it hurts to admit this to myself. I can't even describe how much I wish that I could be absolutely everything God deserves. But since I know that I can't deserve Him, I think I've let that become an excuse for not putting my all into my relationship with Him. It's not an excuse. If anything, it's a reason to be more motivated since I am an extremely stubborn person.

I want to change this. I want to be able to promise God that I will put my all into this now and forever. But you want to know why I won't let myself do that? Because I'm terrified of making a promise to God that I can't keep. I lie to myself, but I refuse to lie to God. And when you make a promise to Him that has even the slightest chance of not being kept, you're lying to Him.

I know that I can be better than this. I know that the passion I have for Him can be so much stronger. I know that I am capable of better. I know that my love for Him should be my best feature, and since I can't observe myself from the outside, I don't know if I have made it my best feature yet.

I know that I need to soak up that Bible like a sponge and apply it into my life in every possible way. I want to do this so much that I don't think I can even fully describe the shame I currently feel for not giving Him my all. God deserves so much more than me. The least I can give Him is my life.

No, I don't know all of the stories in the Bible that some kids know when they're seven. But I do know that I am fully capable of changing this. I know that I am capable of more.

It's like my favorite lyric from my favorite Worship song: Oh, Child by Nevertheless. It's in God's perspective, and it says, "Oh, love, I'm only asking for your life."

He only asking for our lives. Only. As in He knows He deserves more, but He's only asking for our miniscule lives. And yes, in comparison to His plan, we are microscopic. But God is so great that He loves every single microscopic spec.

God, I know that You deserve better. I'm sorry that I can only give You my life, since I know that You deserve more. I'm also sorry that I know I can't promise You to give You my all every second of my life. However, I can promise that I know you deserve more than this, and I am absolutely going to try to give You the tiny thing You ask from me: my life.

Music, Music, Music, Music, and Music :D

Alright so believe it or not, I have been asked many times what my favorite worship music is and what style/genre it is. Therefore, I decided to put all of my favorites up here. Some of them are in the playlist actually ON my blog, but most are not (Mainly because I was too lazy to go through playlist.com to add so many songs).

You may know them, you may not. But I love them :) Maybe you're not interested in this? I don't know. However, worship music was the first thing that made me feel like I was forming a connection with God, so it's obviously extremely important to me. Plus, I'm a music nerd....

Anyhoo, look these up if you wish. But don't just listen to the music in general. Dive into the lyrics and apply them to your heart. That's what worship is for, after all: to praise God and to write these lyrics on your heart. (Not literally, of course. You'd have to rip out your heart, and even then you wouldn't be able to do any writing.) But these are in no particular order. I know it's a lot, but they're all great. I love a lot of non-recorded songs too, but obviously I couldn't put them on here. And I probably left more of my favorites off of this by accident. Let me know if you have any suggestions for me! 

Indescribable - Chris Tomlin (I have a distinct memory of falling onto my knees and sobbing while singing this song. Seriously.)
All Creatures of Our God and King - David Crowder Band
Beautiful One - Jeremy Camp
Take Me In - Kutless
Amazing Grace (My Chains Are Gone) - Chris Tomlin
In Christ Alone - Newsboys (I also have a memory of crying to this song. Obviously, I cry when songs really touch my heart.)
Strong Tower - Kutless
The Stand - Hillsong United
Give You Glory - Jeremy Camp
Praise And Adore - Wavorly
Surrender - BarlowGirl
You're Not Alone - Meredith Andrews (For the record, her voice is phenominal!)
How Great Is Our God - Chris Tomlin
Breathe Into Me - Red
Promise Of a Lifetime - Kutless
Everything - Tim Hughes
You Are Everything - Matthew West
Tonight - Jeremy Camp
Glorious One - Fee
Jesus Paid It All - Kristian Stanfill
Porcelain Heart - BarlowGirl
God Of This City - Chris Tomlin
From The Inside Out - Hillsong United
Our God - Chris Tomlin
Stand Up - Fireflight
All Around Me - Flyleaf
Praise You In This Storm - Casting Crowns (This one is dedicated to my non-biological mommy, Cassie. I love you!)
Sweetly Broken - Jeremy Riddle
Everything - Lifehouse (If you've never seen the Everything Skit, I highly highly suggest that you watch it.)
You Invite Me In - Meredith Andrews
Take Me As I Am - FM Static
My Savior - Sarah Reeves
A Mighty Fortress - Christy Nockels
Coming Back - Ben Cantelon
Never Alone - BarlowGirl (Personally, I prefer the acoustic version.)
Father, Spirit, Jesus - Casting Crowns

Now, these last two are my absolute favorites of all time because they literally changed my life. I never doubt the power of worship music because I've shown these two songs to people, and they've passed them on, and then these songs changed the lives of people I would not have expected. Never underestimate the power of Worship.

Cannons - Phil Wickam
Oh, Child - Nevertheless (This one is a song from God to us. It's a little twist, and I LOVE it.)

Now, anybody can write a worship song. But it's your choice on which songs you write on your heart.

Again, please let me know if you have any suggestions for me :) I love getting new music.

If you asked me to pick myself out of a crowd, I probably couldn't do it.

Not my outer self, obviously. I could find that easily...or at least I hope I could. I'm talking about my inner self. You know, the real me.

I am 16 years old, and I am having an identity crisis. Yes, that's right. I have no clue who I am or what I'm doing or even why I do the things I do. I have no idea who I truly am. It seems like the only sure thing I know about myself is that I'm going to Chad. Everything else, I have no clue. God and Chad are my absolutes, and everything else is practically unknown.

Apparently this is normal? I personally wouldn't know because I have no theories on what normal is, but I'll just go with it.

For the past several years (honestly, ever since I was Saved), I've had no idea who I am, and I just couldn't admit it to myself. I spent my time trying to create a personality for myself that I hoped and prayed would fit. Heck, I wasn't even just one personality. During that time, I was several different people, and I always told the people who noticed that I was "changing" or "getting better", when really I just had no clue who I was or who I was supposed to be.

I made up these different personalities because out of all that I wasn't in control of in my life, I wanted to be in control of who I was. I wanted to have one thing that was actually my handiwork. I couldn't let myself be okay with not knowing myself. I was too stubborn to realize that things like that aren't bad.

To be honest, I still deal with this every day of my life. I can only think of two times when I was completely sure of who I was, and they didn't last long. I forgot all about who I was afterwards. Now, I want to be okay with being out of control of who I am. I really do, but I know for sure that I'm too dang stubborn to let that illusion of control go quite so easily.

I figure that it should be like this: God made me. He Saved me. He Called me. Surely who I really am wouldn't be that bad, otherwise why would He even bother Calling me? Why would He even bother Saving me? But God works in mysterious ways, I guess.

I don't want to be a "bad" person in my own eyes. In fact, that's probably one of my worst fears. I want to like who I am and actually be proud of it. Maybe I'll reach that point soon, maybe not. But I just want to be who God wants me to be, because surely He wouldn't Call me if I was a complete jerk...right? Or, if I am a complete jerk, surely He wouldn't Call me if He didn't see that I could change that.

Ugh. I really just don't know anymore.

I need to let God be in control of this aspect of my life too. I don't want to fight with Him over something as stupid as my true self. He has control over everything else in my life, so why am I holding on to this so tightly? Well, I don't have an answer as to why. I really don't.

I don't want this identity crisis to affect those around me, but I can tell that it already has. In the years that I've been "changing" or "getting better", I've seen people I know, people I love, being hurt by it. Frankly, I really hate that.

Maybe I don't know who I am, but maybe the people who love me (I know, hard to believe people would actually love such a crazy mess haha) know who I really am. I don't think they would love me if they didn't have anything substantial to love. But then again, what do I know? Love is the most difficult subject for me to pin down, because it's pretty much ridiculously complex.

No, I don't know who I am. Yes, I can feel part of myself trying to maintain control over who I am. No, I will not let that part win.

I cannot and will not allow myself to remain in control. That control doesn't belong to me. Yes, it's extremely scary for me. In fact, scary is probably an understatement, but I'm going in this afraid. Hopefully, I come out even stronger because of it.

I'm done playing tug of war with God over who I am. Now, I'm not saying that I won't fail to relinquish the rope to Him, but I am saying that I'm at least making the effort, and that counts in my book.

I'm a 16 year old girl, and I don't know who I am. But through God and God alone, I intend to find out.

This confusion is kind of getting ridiculous.

Sometimes, I think I enjoy the idea of going to Africa a little bit too much. I have a beaded bracelet with "N'Djamena" on it. I have Chad's flag proudly in my bedroom. I do the research for fun. I dream about walking through the villages there. Seriously, that's all the dream is. Just me walking across the sand and smiling at those around me.

Shouldn't something like going to a third world country for the rest of my life be more of a sacrifice for me? Shouldn't I agonize over this every night, wondering how I can possibly go there and leave the place I've lived my entire life? Shouldn't this be harder for me?

Well, it used to be, I suppose. But I guess I've gotten to the point where I can't possibly imagine my life any other way. Every time I think of my future, it's in Africa. Not Nashville, not Memphis, not Panama City, not Boston.

I'm not saying that it isn't hard...just that I thought picturing it would be harder. Don't get me wrong, I'll definitely miss America and my friends and family, but why isn't this torture for me? Why does Africa seem like such a piece of cake to me now, when to everyone else it's an old cracker? America is the stereotypical piece of cake, the desert that many crave. So why is Chad that piece of cake to me instead of America?

I can't describe it. But I suppose if I tried to...it'd be like Chad and I are a package deal. Going to Chad is a part of me. I wouldn't be...well...me without it.

I know that actually going there will be more difficult than I think. I know that it will be a struggle in every definition of the word...but how am I so okay with that? How am I able to sit here and think about it and smile? I'll be surrounded by danger and death and suffering, and yet I can't think of any place I'd rather be. I'm pretty sure that's about as masochistic as it gets.

Again, I'm not saying this is easy. But...is this just because I welcome a challenge or something? I mean, honestly. God, help me out here. Is this just a testament to how weird I am? Is this supposed to showcase my stubbornness when faced with a challenge? Is it, God? Is it?

Obviously, I'm extremely confused. I thought I was going to continue to struggle with this, but here I am. It's not even a struggle to me anymore. It's more like a fleeting thought of danger followed by an overwhelming amount of excitement. All of this is changing so quickly. I get a new perspective on this subject every single day. Quite frankly, I know I'm overthinking it. But that's what I do. I overthink things, hoping that an answer will magically fall into my lap.

I don't know what's going on with me anymore. I've been excited ever since I received my Calling, but it wasn't like this. Never like this. The excitement was tinted with the danger and the effort it would take to leave everything behind. And yet now, I hardly feel any of that anymore. Just the excitement.

Maybe this is my way of being optimistic? Which, frankly, is a pretty crappy form of optimism. But who knows? I sure as heck don't.

I guess I'm just baffled by how easy it's become to see myself in Africa. It's the most difficult thing to me to imagine myself anywhere else. Honestly, that scares me. I don't know why, but it does. Maybe it's because I get scared easily when I feel this strong of an emotion, I have no clue. But all I know is that I think this should be harder for me...and yet, it isn't.

Perhaps this attitude is a gift from God because I know that it's very rare for an attitude like this to come from just me. But maybe there's a catch to all of this? UGH. I just don't know. I thought the possibility of being murdered as soon as I got there was the catch, but maybe that's completely wrong.

Again, I'm obviously very confused. I don't know if I'm writing this to vent or for prayer, but I'm writing it. And I'm sure that all of this confusion sounds extremely crazy. If it makes you feel any better, it makes a lot less sense in my own head.

I don't know how to feel about all of these feelings (Yep, definitely overthinking this).

My hands are open, God. I know it's highly highly unlikely, but I would love if some answers would fall into them.

What is a missionary? Well, you are.

I used to think that missionaries were only people who went to other countries to share the joys of Jesus. I used to think that they had to endure some form of persecution in order to be really qualified for the job.

I was wrong.

To me, a missionary could be someone in Africa or someone next door. It could be someone sharing their story with strangers, or sharing their story with friends. It could be someone in Ethiopia, or someone in the chair right next to you when you go to school. They could be across the world or across the dinner table.

That's the beauty of it. Anyone and everyone could be one. It just boils down to one thing: are you willing to share your love for Jesus?

I didn't know this until recently. Actually, I think I did know this deep down, but I wouldn't admit it to myself because I was stupid and wanted to be special. That's my own fault, and I apologize. I wanted to be special on my own terms, and not God's. But in God's eyes, everyone is special. That's why everyone can be a missionary.

Sharing your story. That's what makes you a missionary. Not where you are or who you're surrounded by.

This is why I am a Wannabe Missionary. Because no missionary's job is ever done. I can't look at myself in the mirror randomly one day and be like, "Oh, I suppose I'm a missionary now." It doesn't work like that. Being a missionary is doing what needs to be done, and yet realizing that your job is never done, because of how many people in the world there are.

Even when I'm in Africa, I will be a Wannabe Missionary. That status will not change, but I am proud of it. I am proud of what I'm doing and what I'm going to do. I am proud to say that I am not alone in the missionary world. I am proud to say that I am sharing my love for Jesus, no matter if people get mad at me for it or not.

If you want to share your story, do it! It's scary sometimes. I admit that. But it is so worth it to see people telling you that they hear you, and that they learned something. That's such a great feeling.

“Sometimes when we are called to obey, the fear does not subside and we are expected to move against the fear. One must choose to do it afraid.” –Elizabeth Elliot

That quote was brought to my attention the other day by someone who read my blog. This is now what I live by. And for bringing that to me, I consider that girl a missionary too.


I am a Wannabe Missionary. And I am darn proud of it. Ask yourself this: Do you love Jesus? Do you want to share that love? Are you going to actually share it?


If you answered yes these, congrats. You're a missionary. If you didn't, that's alright! Trust me. Spiritual journeys are personal, and I realize that. Just go on the path God put you on. If that path leads you to share, then share. Because you're not alone.

Oh, I'm unpatriotic? Think again.

I am sick of people claiming that I hate America because I'm going to Africa. I am sick of people saying that I am unpatriotic and that I am a traitor. I am sick of people saying that I am ungrateful for America.

None. Of. This. Is. True.

I wake up in the morning and go to school and say the Pledge of Allegiance just like every other kid in America. I know the words to America, the Beautiful by heart. I can sing about America in four different languages. I am interested in the workings of America just as much as I am interested in the workings of Chad. Going to Africa doesn't automatically mean that I hate America.

I love America. I love the freedoms I've received both as a child and as a woman. I love the educational opportunities I have received. I love how I can sit here and criticize the government just as I would criticize the Church and still love it. I love how I can go out and buy a Bible and not be killed for it. I love how I can bring books about Africa to school and not have it ripped from my hands. I love America.

In regards to America, I love it, but I am disappointed in it. Just like so many others I know. This is not because I am going to Africa. It's because I think that America has so much more potential. I am grateful for America. Just because I am leaving doesn't mean that I hate where I grew up.

Yes, I have Chad's flag in my bedroom, but I also have a model of Washington DC sitting on my dresser. Yes, I have books about Africa on my bookcase, but I also have books about America on my bookcase. Yes, I am going to move to Chad, but I am taking pieces of America with me inside my heart.

Why else would I want to work in the US Embassy in N'Djamena along with being a missionary if I didn't believe in what I'd be representing? Why else would I allow myself to be irate or proud over the things I witness in America if I didn't care? Why would I even bother? Well, I wouldn't.


But I do. Because I love America. I am disappointed in it sometimes, but I am also disappointed in Chad sometimes. "There can be no deep disappointment where there is not deep love." ("Letter from a Birmingham Jail", Martin Luther King Jr.)

That quote expresses my feelings toward the Church, but it also expresses my feelings toward both Chad and America. I usually try to keep my politics and my Faith separate, but that quote, for me, fits in with both.

So no, I am not unpatriotic. No, I don't hate America. No, I'm not ungrateful for where I grew up. No, I am not a traitor. I am just going where God sends me.

Believe it or not, it is going to be very hard for me to leave America. But I am just listening to God. So, please, do not accuse me of being unpatriotic. People criticize the government over the TV, over radio, etc. What makes me any different? Because I'm leaving? I love America, and that is why I may criticize it. I was given the right to express these feelings through the Constitution. You may not agree with what I say, but you must agree that I have a right to say it. America gave me these rights. Don't get mad at me for using them.

I love Chad. I really do. But I love America just as much. Leaving is going to be one of the hardest things I ever do.

Missionaries don't leave because they hate their country. The leave because they love God more than anything. My love for God surpasses my love for America by a TON. You may not like it, but there it is. I love America, but I love God more.

So if you think that being patriotic means that you can't love anything more than your country, then fine. I'm unpatriotic. I will not put my country above God. I will not.

This is my little rant for the day. Sorry if I sound angry, but that's because I am. Debate with me if you want. I will not place America over God. Period.

Pinch me, I'm dreaming! ...no, seriously. I'm dreaming, right?

Confession number...whatever number we're on (I'm not counting, but I figure I've made quite a few confessions on here): I often catch myself thinking that my salvation is too good to be true.

I don't believe that I deserve to be a Follower of Christ. I do not believe that I deserve the Faith that I've been building inside of me because so many live their lives without acknowledging God, whereas I get to sit here and praise God. I do not believe that I deserve to have my prayers answered. I do not believe that I deserve to be one of God's children. I do not believe that I deserve my Calling.

But here I am. The very thought of my salvation both baffles me and tickles me to death. Seriously, I have giggled with giddiness over my salvation. Yes, I know that I am odd.

I get to know God. How cool is that???? I mean, I could still be agnostic right now. Heck, I could be atheist or scientologist or...social Darwinist. I don't know, I'm just listing random things at this point. But I am a Follower of Christ. That is so ridiculously cool to me. 

I am a being of light and a being of sin. The light was placed inside me, the jar of clay, by God's grace. The sin was bestowed by Satan against my will. Now, I don't see God and Satan as light and darkness. God is still light, obviously, but I see Satan as more of a mist. He creeps silently and blurs the light, sending droplets into your eyes that make you blink away from the light that you usually cling to. He makes it to where the only way you can see is if you A - use more light or B- continue blindly on his path, seeing only a small distance in front of you, oblivious to the greater world around you. You stay within your realm of vision and begin to shun the light from above because it glints against the water in the atmosphere and makes you avert your gaze from the thing you need most: light.

Metaphor overload. But anyways, saying that Satan is darkness gives one the illusion that complete darkness is possible and it's possible for light to be completely absent from one's life.

This. Is. A. Lie. God's light can't be eclipsed. Period. Satan does not have enough power to be darkness. The only power he receives is the power we allow him to use. Yes, God and Satan are two extremes. One is the ultimate being of grace, the other is the ultimate being of sin. But. What one equals in goodness completely overshadows what the other equals in evilness.

The Math of this:

God + Grace + Love = Life, Light, and Salvation.

Satan + Sin + Disdain = A life lived through death.

God + Satan = The battle for your soul. God wants you through love. Satan wants you through hate.

Satan + you = The worst choice you ever make and an eternity of being swathed in the mist.

God + you = The greatest thing you can or will ever do. Guaranteed, no matter how screwed up you think you are.

God > Satan. God is infinitely greater than Satan. No number can measure this. Not even infinity itself. 

Now, being the nerd that I am, I could write you a proof for how salvation is the greatest thing EVER, but salvation is personal. I will not do this.

We are all merely jars of clay. But, what makes us great is the light inside of us. Not the colors Satan may paint our jars to make it seem like we belong to him. This is going to sound odd, but I consider salvation an explosion. Salvation is when the light inside of you builds up so much, the lid of your jar can no longer remain closed. The light given to you by God is not yours, and salvation is God's way of getting His light back, only taking you with it. 

My salvation saved me in every way that someone can be saved. Satan had painted my jar so many colors, I could not even recognize myself. But when my salvation came, the light inside me burst forth, and my jar shed its colors. 

Now, salvation is not lack of sin because honestly, everybody in the world is too messed up to be completely free of sin (That's another thing that makes Jesus so awesome, since He is not like this). Salvation is God not only removing those colors, but taking away the mist. There are moments where the mist will try to creep back in, and Satan will ready his paintbrush, but salvation marks us. We were marked before as God's children, but salvation shows that we recognize that we are God's children.

Sometimes, I wake up in the morning (Sorry, Ke$ha. Not like P-Diddy), and I think that it was all a dream. That the wonderful lessons I learned, the resounding truth I acknowledged, and the Calling I received were all just a figment of my imagination.

Well, the beauty of God is that God is too good to be true, but He's so great, He's true anyways. No limits, God. No limits.

I am not good enough to be Saved. But that light in me overtakes that fact. God shakes up what is fact and what is fiction, what is truth and what is a lie, and puts His glory above all of it. God is above all of that. So yes, I am not good enough to have received my salvation, but I did anyways, because God is just that amazing.

I am overjoyed and overwhelmed by this. I am Saved. I am a Follower of Christ. Just saying it puts butterflies in my stomach. It's the beauty of disbelief. Not disbelief of God, but disbelief that He would actually want me as a Follower.

And it's the same for each and every one of you. 

We're all messed up and stupid and stubborn, and yet, God wants us. It's too good to be true, but it's still true anyways. "God is so good. God is so good. God is so good. He's so good to me!"

I know that this post is a very metaphor heavy post, so if you want me to go into further detail on anything or you have any questions, don't hesitate to comment or e-mail me. If you just need someone to talk to, e-mail me. (Or pray to God, obviously. Haha) If you need anything, anything at all, I'm here. I mean that. No judgement here. My e-mail is janie_sanford0902@yahoo.com. I'm always here to listen, or to teach, or to be a friend.

God loves you. God wants you to receive your salvation. God is always there for you, even if sometimes, it's hard to remember that.