This post has too many different things in it for me to give it a suitable title.

I always seem to make wishes that something will happen. I make these wishes thinking that I know what's best for my life. I make them thinking that they will somehow make everything better. I make them thinking that my will is the best way to go.

I'm always wrong. I act on my own accord to make things go my own way, and then I have the insane notion to think that it's God's fault and that He deserves my frustration. I get mad at Him. Why? Because I want someone else to blame besides myself.

Some days, I sit down and I pray for God's will. Not because I don't think it will happen, but because I want to pray that I'll accept His will as the best. At times, I am successful. But I'm going to be honest here and say that I fail. A lot. I keep praying for my own will, not realizing that I'm slapping God in the face by doing so. When I pray for my own will instead of His, I am telling Him to His face that I think I know better than He does.

I know that I need to surrender to His will. Every time I think I've done this, something comes up and Control Freak Janie comes back into the picture. Not on purpose, of course, but because patience and surrendering to God's control are my Faith weaknesses.

Every Faith has its weakness. I have several, but the ones that pop up time after time are patience and the need to surrender absolutely to God when it comes to the timeline that is my life. If the timeline of my life and the timeline of God's plan were put side by side, it'd be impossible to see mine. It's that small.

And yet, I still allow pieces of my self to hold on to the thought that I know what's best for me. You'd think that I'd be able to learn that lesson easily looking back at the countless mistakes I've made in my life, but nope. Here it is again, the recurring theme of most of my posts: I'm stubborn.

I know that most think free will is a gift, and I can see how yes, it can be. But I'm going to be honest here and tell you that sometimes, free will stinks. It's not that I'm totally ungrateful, but sometimes I just wish I could allow my stubborn self to remember (all the time) that God is the one that knows what's up. Not me.

The strange thing is, I'm not sure if this is a crack in my Faith that I want to fix. Now, before you freak out, let me explain.

Through my flaws, through everyone's flaws, God's glory shines through. Being Saved isn't the act of being perfected. It's the act of being loved by something FOR our imperfections, instead of in spite of them. Believe it or not, God uses your flaws to bring Himself glory. So don't hate your flaws. Embrace them, because God can't shine through without them.

I struggle with embracing my flaws. I admit that. But my stubbornness, my impatience, and my control freak nature all bring God glory. Sometimes, it's hard to see how, but it's true. Why would God seek glory through perfection when He is already perfect? You can't perfect perfection. What is amazing is that God's light can be seen through such imperfect surfaces. What brings God more glory: having a ton of people as perfect as Jesus walking around, or sending Jesus to die for a species filled with countless flaws? My answer is the latter.

God is perfect. Yes, that makes Him awesome. But what makes Him even better is that He isn't stuck up about it. He doesn't say, "Because I am flawless and you are not, I can't love you." He says, "You're riddled with flaws, but that's just how I like it, and I love you for it."

He doesn't love us in spite of our flaws. He loves us for our flaws. He made us flawed. Why would He want us to attempt to be any other way?

So yes, I struggle with wanting my own will. I struggle with impatience. I struggle with stubbornness. I struggle with getting mad at Him when He does what He wants, but those are my flaws. Through those flaws, I know that God's grace and light can shine through.

I am not seeking a perfect Faith or a perfect life. I am seeking a chance to love myself because He loves me. I am seeking the opportunity to bring the One I love the most the glory He deserves. I am seeking the chance to use my imperfections to glorify God. I am seeking a life where I can sit here and get mad at myself for getting mad at God, and yet still feel His love.

The beauty of all of that seeking is that I already have it right in front of me. I may close my eyes to it at times, but it's always there.

I don't know about you, but I think that's pretty darn awesome. I know this is a huge understatement, but God is truly amazing. Everything I am, everything I'm not, everything I want to be, and everything I will be all come from Him. All of it. I may hate my flaws at times, but I know that makes and will make me more grateful.

God doesn't hate you for your flaws. He loves you for them. If He can love you, you can love yourself too. Don't put yourself down because you aren't perfect enough for God. He doesn't want perfection from you. If He did, He would've made you perfect.

I struggle with that. I struggle with loving my flaws (as you may have seen in some of my other posts). But I guess that's just another flaw that I'll learn to love :)