Something bad is happening in Oz!

Okay, so we're obviously not in Oz...and maybe this thing isn't exactly "bad", but it's strange. It's definitely strange.

The other night, in order to escape the chaos that is my household, I went to hang out with two of my friends. One of those friends is currently engaged and we started talking about God. I told her about my quest to become a missionary and we had the usual conversation I have when that subject comes up. I told her why, I told her where, I told her my plans. Then, like two typical girls, the subject of boys came up. I told her that for me, if I even got married, my husband would either A- have the exact same plans as me (not likely), B- have no plans at all (even less likely since I like a guy with ambition), C- have plans that maybe could fit in with mine (eh, I suppose it's possible), or D- have plans and yet was still willing to go wherever God sends him (ding, ding, ding, we have the most likely option).

She told me that God told her who she was going to be with, but not where she was going. So the other girl we were with was like, "You guys are the exact opposite then. You know where you're going but not who you'll be with, and she knows who she is going to be with but not where she's going. That's interesting."

It got me thinking. And I don't mean, "Hm, that's weird" type of thinking. I'm talking about, "Goodness gracious, what on Earth? I am going to drive myself insane by thinking about this for the next two hours" type of deal. Yeah, yeah. That sounds weird, but still.

I hear stories of missionaries all the time, and they are all going with what God wants, no matter if they are alone or if they have someone. I admire that, and I intend on doing it myself, but that question always pops into my mind.

Yes, I am 16. Yes, I don't need to be thinking about marriage. And yet...since the rest of my future has a general plan, I'm getting impatient. I just want to know already, that way I can get it over with. I mean, that probably sounds harsh, but it's true. I just want to know.


Newsflash about God: He keeps you in the dark 99% of the time when it comes to anything about your life. He'll tell you enough to keep you on the right path, but He gives you space to learn and figure it out for yourself.

Honestly, half of the time, I pray that He'll just make all of my decisions for me so that I know everything about my life. The kicker is that I know that if I were to know everything about my future, I wouldn't be as interested in my life as I am. It's an unpleasant catch 22.

I probably sound whiny and annoying, but because God has let me in on an aspect of my future, I am seriously craving more knowledge. It's a curse, I guess. My endless curiosity, that is. I'm grateful for the knowledge He has given me, but I always seem to want more, and I hate that. I really do. I wish that I could just be content with where I am and go with the flow in regards to where I'm going, but I'm not at that point yet.

Actually, I used to be there, but then I fell in love. The first time you fall in love sets off a clock in your head that ticks away every second you are alone. I fell in love with love, and to this day, I just want to be in love again. Love makes me feel closer to God, in a way. That may sound weird, but it's true. Since love comes from God, being in love makes me more in awe of Him because He gave me the power to be in love with someone, whereas I used to think that I wasn't capable of loving someone on Earth that much.

It all comes down to my fatal flaw: impatience with myself. Everything brews down to that. Seriously. Everything.

The moral of this is: don't be like me. When God let's you in on something, cherish it. Don't crave more. You'll just drive yourself insane.

Can we really believe in this change?

Right now, it is 60 degrees outside. I am inside. There is something wrong with this.

But not really.

You know, I could come on here and write about things that you've probably heard before only with a controversial twist, or I could write about new things also with a controversial twist. It's controversial because all belief can be disputed, especially that of a missionary because they're displaying their beliefs openly to others in the hope that they will find something to hold on to.

I could come on here and tell you outright that one belief is wrong and another is right, only I'd be lying to you because honestly, I have no clue. Seriously. My beliefs are fact to me, but not to someone else. My faith is my life, but it may not be the life of others. So what I say on here is what I believe, only I'm desperately hoping that there's something in it that another can grasp with as much passion as I attempt to have. (Key word being "attempt".)

I guess I could write about how 2010 is ending and a new year is beginning and that we should all try to act as amazing as possible to please God!

Except I don't believe that. I gave up on New Year's Resolutions a long time ago because I realized that it was pointless to try and change myself if A- God wasn't ready for me to and B- I wasn't ready for me to. I'm not saying that New Year's Resolutions never result in some good, but most of the time, they set you up for disappointment when there is enough disappointment in the world already. "This year, I'm going to lose 20 pounds!" "This year, I am going to volunteer more!" "This year, I am going to be nicer!"

Now, that's all fine and dandy if you're ready for it. But to me, New Year's Resolutions only spur premature change that can end up in disaster. Sure, some good can come out of it, but then the next year comes, and you remember that you didn't meet your resolution from the year before, so you cling to the hope that you'll do better this year.

Don't change yourself unless you seriously feel moved to (aka, unless it comes from God). Our flaws spur lessons, and those lessons spur changes, and so on. It's a circle. When it comes to making changes, it comes down to that circle. Not "Oh, everyone else has a New Year's Resolution, I should too!" Don't jump on the bandwagon here, people. It's not worth it.

Maybe some of your resolutions have come true in the past. Maybe you've forgotten them all. But this whole "New year, new me!" philosophy is honestly a load of poop. One day should not spur change, every day should. Maybe that's confusing, I'll try to explain.

If a change is meant to happen, it will happen. I'm not saying this won't require any effort, but change should be something that has been building up. Once it builds up, it overflows slowly. Every day changes you, and with that attitude, you wind up changing the atmosphere of every day.

The only time I can honestly say that I was drastically changed was when I was Saved. Before then, I was pretty much stagnant. I never changed, and it showed. The second I was Saved, I was different. Everyone could tell.

Now, not all changes have to be like that. That change was seriously a long time coming because God had a huge plan for me. That change spurred a never ending chain of changes, changes that are occurring as we speak. (Well, technically, as you read, but I digress.)

Ever since that moment, I have been a constantly moving and constantly shifting human being. I don't go two days as the same person. That change was started by God, and the changes that result shall start and end by God's hand.

Drastic changes are very rare, and that is another factor of how being Saved is so magnificent. It's a drastic change that steals your breath, but in a very good way. Changes like that aren't commonplace. But what I've found is that after a change like that, you are raw. You're wide open.

The changes that occur after that are slow, and they paint the colors on your empty canvas. Everything shapes you, and you start to shape everything in return. God doesn't want us to be stagnant. He loves us enough to want to change. He changes us, because we are truly stagnant beings without Him. Humans are stuck in their ways, and it takes God to break us of that habit, whether you realize it or not.

Change can be scary, I admit that. But is there any greater or more beautiful process than seeing someone grow into who they will become? I don't think so.

So if your New Year's resolution is occurring through God, awesome! But be careful. Don't lie to yourself and say that God is doing it if He isn't. I've told myself those lies before, and it hurts. It hurts you and it hurts those around you. When it comes to a process like change, we have to be careful. Don't be reckless with who you are. God put effort and serious thought into creating you. He knows the changes that need to be orchestrated, not you.

Change is not a bad thing, but it can be dangerous when used recklessly. I can say this from experience. Now this isn't an "I know more than you do" post. This is an "I am thinking out loud" type of post. So by all means, disagree if you want. I'm always up for a good discussion :)

I've said my peace. I'm going to go outside and enjoy this glorious weather.

My Rollercoaster Ride

You'd think that the idea of becoming a missionary would change me; that it would make me more careful and less sinful. You'd think that I would be less impatient or more generous. You'd think that it would change me in completely different ways than it actually did change me.

Funny how these things happen.

I really don't understand why God would want me to go to another country to try to change lives. I'm not a genius, I'm not beautiful, I'm not the most faithful person alive, I'm not selfless. I'm just a stupid girl who was put into a really scary and yet wonderful situation.

Every day of my life, I ask God, "why me?" It's not that I'm not grateful to be used by God in such an awesome way, but I can't for the life of me figure out why I was chosen. I go through my life trying to be worthy of what I was Called to do, and I can't do it. I would be much better suited to be a songwriter or a journalist or a small business owner or the writer of teen angst novels. (Not that I am by any means downgrading any of these professions. They just fit who I am.) I would be much better at being a housewife or a newspaper editor. Not a missionary. Why? Because that fits directly into God's standards. Your own standards have nothing to do with it.

I am not trying to scare any of you away from the idea of mission work. But for me personally, I struggle with it. I don't know how to move any of those people. I don't know how to inspire. I'm not someone who stands out like that. I'm loud, sure. However, for my entire life, I've been someone who can fit easily into the background. When I shut my mouth, I become invisible. I have liked that. I liked having a forgettable persona. I didn't want anyone to remember me because then they would remember my countless faults. My very very apparent flaws.

Yet, here I am, being thrust into the missionary spotlight. I am not comfortable with this yet. I'm sorry, but I'm not. To most, I come off as a loud, bubbly, and very annoying girl who needs to learn when to A- stop talking and B- grow up.

Confession time? I spend my time in self-induced seclusion and silence. I over-think every interaction I have with another person, so I've made it to where they don't want to interact with me anymore. At this very moment, I am just sitting here listening to classical music and writing. This is how I spend the majority of my time. I curl inside this shell I've made for myself and attempt to disappear, until God prompts me to write one of these posts to tie me to the world again.

Don't get me wrong, I have friends. I have people I lean on, but those people have everyone else too. I don't. I'm the one who used to have five text messages from different people every time I woke up, and now I can go all day without hearing from anyone. I did this to myself, and it all happened after I received my Calling.

Once I learned that I would have to spend my entire life reaching out, I retracted my current grasp. I pushed and I shoved until everyone who would come to me learned to go to someone else. I consider this subconscious denial of what I will become. This is my betrayal.

So why am I becoming a missionary? I can't answer that anymore. I used to be able to, but I can't anymore. I feel the desire to help so strongly within me, but it's like another part of me just wants to be alone forever and not have to deal with the interactions I so often over-think and over-analyze and inevitably screw up.

This is my struggle. I am over-thinking my interactions with God. I am second guessing everything He wants me to do, not on purpose, but subconsciously.

I wish that I had more Faith. I am going blindly into a third world country where I could easily die as soon as I step off of the plane, and yet I am still struggling. I don't know what it is. I don't have any answers to the millions of questions I feel circulating within my mind.

I know that some of you read this for hope. I know that some of you read this out of curiosity.

Now, I can't promise that my posts will be entertaining or inspiring, but I can promise that they will be honest. This is me. If you are a regular reader, you will begin to see how I've changed and continue to change. If you are not, you'll either get me on a good day, or a bad one. I'm not sure what this day is.

I guess the moral of this is: God will choose anyone, whether you agree or not. Ready or not, here He comes. Be scared, be joyful. Let yourself feel the roller coaster of emotions He gives you because they change you. You'll thank Him one day.

Inspiration Train Station

Each day, I find something new to inspire me. Some days, it's a book that has me questioning how much I could take in my life. Other days, it's posts from those who I consider my friends, though they do not know me personally. Katie, Jamie, and Jason. But with each form of inspiration, I find myself moved, just as I should be. For example, Katie recently lost one of her 14 daughters to their birth mother. 

http://kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com/2010_11_01_archive.html

As I sat there and read it, weeks ago, I couldn't help but want to beat my fists on the ground and scream about how unfair it was. I wanted to go to Uganda and hug Katie tightly. I have met Katie, and I can honestly say that I have never met someone I emulate more than her. Aside from Jesus, obviously. But she's not even in her mid-twenties and yet she has these wonderful children under her wing. 14 of them...well, 13 now. 14 are still in her heart, but only 13 are in her home.

My heart shattered.

I am sitting here writing this, and I can't help but think about what I would do if it were me. Honestly, I have no answer to that. I don't know what I would do, but I do know that I would not let that daughter go without a fight. I would let her go if and only if God wanted it. And that post hit me so hard because I knew that it might be me when I grow up. I can't even fully bear the thought right now. Honestly, it tears me to bits.

Behold, a form of inspiration.

I realized that Katie, Jamie, and Jason are just like me: people who put their words out there, not knowing who will read them or if they'll make an impact. Frankly, I have no clue who is reading this. Mainly, I wrote this to hold myself accountable and to create a form of a diary of my spiritual journey. I was shocked by how many I saw were reading this.

As I saw the numbers swiftly climb, I felt myself feeling less alone. Not because I knew who was reading this, but because someone was. Someone was listening to me. Someone might actually be inspired by my words, just as I have been inspired by others. Want to know what crossed my mind when I thought that? "Crap. What if I say something wrong?"

Well, needless to say, that thought passed quickly. I realized that the only thing I could do wrong would be if I were to screen my thoughts. Someone is going to find something wrong with every post, just as I hope that someone finds something right with every post.

So this is me, telling it like it is. You can be inspired, you can be horrified or annoyed. You can even call it chicken salad, I don't care. I used to be so terrified of inspiring, to be honest. But it's your choice as to if you want to listen to me. I'm just a 16 year old girl who has no idea what she's doing. Seriously. I step blindly on a path laid by God. "This will be my story. This will be my song."

I'm no different from any other teenagers you may encounter. In fact, I'm probably much more idiotic than the norm. I have no clue why you're reading this.

But you are. I promise that I'll be completely honest, even if it's ugly. Which...it pretty much always is. 

This was probably all over the place. Sorry. And yes, the title was only because it rhymed :)

"Shun the Nonbeliever!" Only, don't do that. Seriously.

There is no bigger test of Faith than when someone who is not a Christian asks you perfectly reasonable questions. They're not even surprising questions. They're the questions that most of us step around so that we have no chance of being wrong and sounding like idiots for believing the way we do.

I have been asked the same question multiple times. It's the one question that I struggled with myself before I believed: If God is so great, why do bad things happen?

A lot of people think that bad things happen from God neglecting us. A lot think that God is like a kid with a magnifying glass, burning ants in the sun. A lot think that God cannot exist because bad things happen. A lot think that God should only to bad things to those who deserve it.

I am going to address all of these because frankly, I think there was a time when I believed each and every one of these.

Bad things happen from God neglecting us:
God does not neglect. Plain and simple. There was a time when I thought bad things happened to me because God chose to ignore me. Everyone else had His grace. God ignored me because He just didn't like me. I thought that if bad things happened to you, God neglected you, and that if good things happened to you, God was blessing you.

Now, some may not see that God does not neglect. They may not see my opinion because I believe the way I do only because I am a Christian. However, even if I was not a Christian, I would still think that bad things are essentially good because they teach us. I can honestly say that.

Look at the natural disasters that happen in the world. Tsunamis, Tornadoes, Land Slides, Hurricanes, Forest Fires, etc. They all affect lives. "Duh, Janie. Thank you Captain Obvious." But seriously here. What better way to teach someone or move them than when they are most vulnerable? Anything can be a lesson. No joke.

I consider bad things as not a sign of neglect, but a sign of love. If God is willing to hurt Himself in order for us to learn, that's some serious love. It's true. God does not want to hurt us. Let me say that again. God does not want to hurt us. So why does He do it? To help us. To make us better. It's tough love people, but it's just as tough for Him. This leads me directly into the next one.

God is a kid with a magnifying glass who wants to see us suffer:
God is love. He is. He loves each and every one of us. Consciously, you may not believe that. But He does. So if you love someone, why in the world would you want to see them suffer?

That's the thing. God does not want to see us suffer. It hurts Him too, believe it or not. Do you think God wants to see a little girl dying of cancer? Do you think God wants to see a mother lose her son in a car accident? Do you think God wants to wipe out hundreds or thousands of people with a natural disaster and see the lives of those that remain torn apart? The answer to that is a loud and resounding NO.

God loves us enough to see the necessity of hurting us. That may sound weird, but it's a parent to child mentality. Your parents teach you hard lessons so that you benefit from it in the future. God does the same thing, only with everything coming together in the end. God is much smarter than your parents. No offense.

Be honest here. If no bad things happened in the world, would you learn anything? No. You'd be...well...an idiot. God loves us so much, He is willing to hurt Himself than see us learn nothing. I don't know about you, but that makes me really happy. The lessons are hard, I am in no way denying that. But if they were easy, they wouldn't be lessons.

Because of bad things, God cannot exist since He is love:
So, if I were to fully go into this one, I'd pretty much be reiterating what I've already said. But basically, God does those things to teach us and to glorify Himself. He deserves the glory. Let Him have it. If there were no bad things, we would not appreciate the good things.

Personally, if there were no bad things, I would not be a Christian. The bad things tear me down and make me want to scream, but even when I catch myself getting angry with God, I know that God does not deserve my anger. Each time I feel that badly, I learn from it. I get better and I get stronger as a result. God is not the cause of my anger. He is the thing that makes it go away.

Honestly, if I did not believe in God, I would not be alive. I know this to be a fact. Now, I am only saying this to be honest with you. No doors here. No walls. God Saved me, in more ways than anybody could ever dream of; in more ways than I have tried to dream of. God brought me back from my own personal Hell.

God should make it to where only bad people deserve bad things:
Who are we to judge who is good and who is bad? First off, we do not have that power. Bad people do not deserve God's wrath any more than good people do. Bad things happen to everyone. It's a part of life. Good people result from bad things, and just as often, bad people result from good things. We can't determine what results will come from which events. Only God can.

That being said, one of my above statements was a poor choice of words (on purpose, I promise). "Good people result from bad things, and just as often, bad people result from good things." I said this for a reason. There are no purely good or purely bad people. There are only people. There is no method of distinction or separation between us. So if only "bad people" deserve bad things, then everyone deserves bad things. Yep, we all deserve it. "Bad" things already happen to everyone so...good job, God. *thumbs up to God*

The most frequent example I hear that is used to refute that statement is: what about if a newborn child dies?

Then God didn't want that child to live. I am not even going to attempt to guess His reasons, but I assure you that He has them. God isn't rash or reckless. The death of that child would then be used to teach the parents a lesson, which would then teach someone else, and so on. Everything has a purpose, even if we may not like it at the time. But honestly...we're all going to have to get over that. We don't know more than God, so we should just stop wishing that everything would happen differently.

So. If you do not believe in God and you're reading this, I really hope this helped. If you're a Christian and you have been asked this, just keep God's love in mind and allow His words to come to you. He knows what's up.

If you're a Christian and you think differently of someone just because they have asked these questions, stop it. Do not (I repeat, DO NOT) think of them any differently. I guarantee you that whether you admit it or not, these same questions have crossed your mind at some point. That being said, don't shove your beliefs down their throat because that's a tad obnoxious. (Actually, more than a tad, but I'm trying to make this sound less harsh.)

Every believer has been a nonbeliever at some point. It's a hard thing to realize for some, but it's true. A nonbeliever who asks you this question today may be a believer who answers it tomorrow. You never know.

If you have any questions, you can contact me anytime. Seriously. If you disagree with this, e-mail me. If you somewhat agree, e-mail me. If you agree, e-mail me. I am open to anything. Obviously, I don't mind a bit talking about this stuff. My e-mail is janie_sanford0902@yahoo.com.

Love you all! :)

Not anything typical.

I hate to say this, but sometimes there is a downside to trust. There is a downside to loving. Now, I'm not trying to turn you against love and trust, but when it comes to those two things, humans are careless. Myself in particular.

When you trust someone and they treat you like poo, it stinks. (Yes, I know. Poo and stink. I'm so clever.) But seriously. God places people in your life that you will learn from, or who will learn from you, or both. The lessons aren't always pleasant though. They turn out for the best eventually, but the pain always cuts deeper than if someone you didn't trust as much hurt you. Humans have scars on their hearts. Humans bear the marks of every bit of heartbreak they face because heartbreak never leaves you. That probably sounds really depressing, but it's true.

The deeper you love, the deeper the scars go. It's a sad part of love. I am all for loving deeply, or else I wouldn't even be writing this, but the pain of love goes almost as deep as the love itself. People can come up to you and say that love is a wonderful thing, and that's fine and dandy, but it isn't the whole truth. Love itself is perfect. The pain that results sometimes is obviously not.

Those who love are overwhelmed with the joy of it, but they can also be some of the most scarred people you know. Look at me, for example. I love a bit too much at times, and then, I sit at home just hurting. Maybe that's just because I'm a big ole softie deep down. Maybe it's because it's always the same people who hurt me. I don't know. But as I sit here, feeling the full effect of the scars I wear on my heart, I can honestly say that sometimes, I just don't want to deal with love anymore.

I suppose you can say that I fell in love with love. I enjoyed the feeling of it so much, I surrounded myself with it as much as possible. That is not necessarily a bad thing for some people, but perhaps that wasn't the best choice for me.

I have a problem with wanting to help people. "What? That's a problem? Janie, what the heck are you thinking?" For me, it is indeed a problem. I don't tell myself no. When I see that someone needs help, I always sacrifice my own self to try to help. I never tell myself no. I never see that I can't save everyone.

I'm not like Jesus. Obviously. Jesus never had to stop himself from helping anyone because He could seriously help everyone. But my entire life, I just wanted to help every single person I encountered. Deep down, I want more than anything to be like Jesus. A person can be like Jesus, but not completely. You can be like Jesus, but you can't be Him. My problem is that I can never figure out where that line is in my life.

The other day, I realized that the person I'd been trying to help was only tearing me apart. This was of no fault of theirs. It was my fault. I was letting go of everything I'd built up, tearing myself down, so that I could build them up instead. But that isn't healthy for humans. We're not Jesus.

We can't be nailed to a cross and die for mankind. We can pick up our own cross and carry it, we can be whipped to the point where our backs are raw, we can do it all in the name of the Lord, but when it comes down to it, we can't be nailed upon that cross. There's a reason why Jesus did it: so that we wouldn't have to.

The inside of me is screaming. It wants me to go up on that cross and die. It wants me to be Jesus, but I can't. I can help others, I can love others, but I can't be Jesus. If I had the choice, I would die exactly how Jesus did. Yes, that sounds messed up and masochistic, but I would. If I could die knowing that I would be saving mankind, I would do it.

I can't. I am not capable of something like that. I am not the Messiah. I am Janie, a sixteen year old from Tennessee who is going to die the way God wants her to.

I am called crazy for this. I am called a radical. I am called a martyr.

Call me what you want. I am who I am, and I am a girl who is living the crazy life God picked out. Most of the time, people just look at me and say, "You're doing all of this because of God? Don't you think that's a bit extreme?"

Yes. As a matter of fact, I do. I am extreme for God and I am insane and I am going to shout that to the Heavens because the One in Heaven is the only one who needs to hear my crazy self. Take that conformity.

I don't go to church. Yep, that's right. I left my last church because it was just a bunch of people who thought that God only resides in the pews and in the pages of a Bible. They went to church Wednesday and Sunday, and got home in time for football. Those people are perfectly kind. They are God's children, but they are not who God wants me to be with. So instead of going there, I worship at home. I am waiting until God calls me to a new church and if He doesn't, so be it. He has the plan.

I have been hurt and betrayed by those around me. I still love them, but I love God much more. It still hurts when they hurt me, but God knows what's up. I am sitting here hurting right now, but God is in charge. If I'm meant to get over this, I will. If I'm meant to hurt some more, I will.

I didn't use to think this way. I used to not curse and I would wear a cross around my neck so that people could see me and be like, "Oh, she's a Christian. Good for her." I lost that cross necklace, and now I see why. It's gone for a reason. God didn't want me to wear it anymore.

Confession: I curse. Not a lot, but I do. I don't feel guilt over it either. Humans made those words bad. Humans made them taboo. Humans gave them negative connotations. When the Bible tells us not to swear, it's talking about not swearing on God's name, or making a promise that you can't keep. God knows what promises you can keep, and you don't.

Why would God say that a word is bad now when those words weren't taboo before? Seriously. It's us. Calm down. A word is just a word. The only word that must be used carefully is "God" because the second we start using it in vain is the second we take God for granted. Now, I don't know about you, but I would prefer if that did not happen.

The moral of this post is (since it was really long):

 - You're going to get hurt. Make the choice as to if that pain really does benefit you in the end. If not, take a step back.

 - Don't expect to be Jesus when you become a Christian, or that will be the biggest disappointment you'll ever face. Appreciate the glory of Jesus, don't try to steal His glory (even if it's by accident).

 - Don't call someone crazy when they live for God. What we consider "radical" now was normal two thousand years ago.

 - If you think reading your Bible and going to church every week makes you a Christian, no offense, but you better check yourself before you wreck yourself.

 - Don't look down on someone who says words that are considered bad these days. They're not bad, and it's not like you don't think them. Seriously. Be honest with yourself. God sees who you really are. You can't fool Him, so just be yourself. He made you the way you are for a reason, and any changes that are made should be done through Him.


I realize that is probably not a post some of you would expect, but there it is. *cue extremely cliche, but extremely true, ending*

Be yourself.

Sugar, spice, and everything nice.

No, I am not a PowerPuff Girl. Although, if I had the choice, I'd want to be Buttercup. This is probably because I am the most like her (Blossom is too nice to be me, and Bubbles is too adorable).

Lately, I've wanted to be anyone but myself. It seemed like no matter which direction I turned, I was surrounded by stress, heartache, and doubt. I let myself drown in it. I felt the Janie I am slip away, and I was enabling it. I was ashamed. I know the last thing you want to read is a story about how I've been struggling, but there is a point to this. I promise.

I know exactly who I am. I know exactly who I want to be. I also know that those two things can't be the same. It's a type of knowledge that everyone refuses to face for a long time. Everyone wants to control who they are: to be smarter, stronger, prettier, funnier, nicer, better. Everyone wants to write the characteristics they want on a piece of paper and cross them off as they go along.

My list is as follows: I want to be nicer, less petty, more confident, more independent, more compassionate, less sarcastic, less awkward, less loud, more open, less consumed with guilt. Finally, I want to be less doubtful.

I don't doubt just anything. I always doubt the same thing: God. The easiest thing to doubt is the thing you love the most. It isn't that you don't believe, it's that you think it's too good to be reality.

I know that my personal Faith (this may not be the case with you) is that I hope against all reason that God exists. What's sad is that in my heart, I can't NOT believe. It's not an option for me. I've fallen so deeply and so hard for God. I don't love God. I am in love with Him. You're allowed to think I'm weird. I don't care.

Part of my Faith is that I pray to Him that He isn't too good to be true. That He can and will remain my reality. I know that sounds really odd, praying to God that He exists, but it's what I do. The two things cancel out for me. When I doubt, I pray. When I don't, I pray. Either way, I am acknowledging that He is real.

I've talked about my doubts on here before. The thing is, doubt isn't something that can be talked about once and magically disappear. You can't wave a magic wand and say a spell and watch it vanish. It doesn't work that way.

I can feel my Faith changing. Consciously, it appears to be weakening. To the untrained eye, I am falling apart. But on the inside, the part that matters, I can feel my Faith getting stronger. The more I fall apart, the deeper I am falling for God. The phrase "falling" gives the automatic assumption that there is a bottom. That one can stop falling.

With me, love doesn't work that way. Once I start falling, I don't stop. God knows that I am not stopping with Him, no matter how many times my mind tries to tell me that I am. The war within me is no longer raging between God and Satan. God has won the war. He knows that. Satan has and continues to win a few battles. But God has me. I couldn't leave if I tried. No, now the war is raging between myself and well...myself.

Perhaps saying "now" was a bad choice of words. The war has always been between me and me. Always. The allies on each side were just different.

Here's how what I was talking about earlier comes in. You know, the lists and characteristics and stuff. Many have said that we cannot change. That we, as humans, are incapable of changing who we seem to be.

This is true.

But. The sentence is unfinished. We, as humans, are incapable of changing who we seem to be...without God. We don't make the change. We don't. You can argue with me on this, it doesn't matter. You're entitled to your opinion as I am to mine. This is mine, and you do not have to agree. But we need God to change us. We can't do it alone. If we change, it may seem like we are doing it, but we aren't. God is leading it.

A friend of mine said that life is "rigged". Like a game. Now, before you get upset, let me just say that in life, the game being rigged is NOT a bad thing. Nope. It's not. Because take a few seconds to think of who rigged it.

Yep. There you go.

God changes us for the good and the bad to teach us. Not to make us feel like crap and make it seem like He hates us. He doesn't. Think of how stupid and stubborn humans are. (Don't get insulted. It's totally true in one way or another.) If God can change such stubborn people, how awesome is that? How much glory does that give Him?

Tons.

Doubts are a part of it. Wanting to change is a part of it. Pain is a part of it. Joy is a part of it. But here is what we must do: go along with it. Believe. Hope. Love. Let yourself fall. I know it's difficult. Believe me, I do. If you want to talk to someone who has a huge fear of love (even though you probably wouldn't be able to tell since she loves so much), well...you're already reading her blog.

If the girl who is loveophobic can sit here and know that she loves everyone in spite of that fear, you can love. You may be even more terrified than I am. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if there are people much more scared than I am. I expect it. But I understand if you're scared. I still am too.

I sit here, revelling in the feeling I've gotten the past few days. The breakdown, the buildup, the feeling I get when I finally let myself cry over God. I am getting weaker through sin and stronger through God.

A person can only get so weak. But there is never a limit to strength.

If none of this made sense to you, I'm sorry. If you're bored, I'm sorry. If you never want to read a post from me again, I'm sorry. But one thing I will not apologize for is writing this. Now, if you're just confused and you want to talk to me, go ahead. I would love that.

I'm going to end this with the three words that took me the longest to utter: I love you. I don't care who you are or what you've done. I'm a jerk sometimes (by accident, of course) but I really do love you. You can doubt that. Go right ahead. But doubts are just another part of it, aren't they?

God loves you much more than I possibly can, and I love a lot. Remember that :)

What? What is this?

I'm not one of those people who believes that change occurs only within. I don't think that you are the only one who can change you. I think change comes from God and from what He does in your life. It comes from the people in your life, it comes from what you want to see in yourself, and it comes from the lessons you learn. I personally believe that all of these things stem from God and His love for us.

Life itself is a cycle of change; every breath you take can alter you. For example, breathing hurts for me right now because I got tackled countless times last night, and yet the pain is somehow teaching me something. As I sit here, shivering and aching, I can sense something moving me. I know that something is God; it always is.

Often, I am faced with questions that I never thought I would be able to answer. Those questions are always in reference to Africa. Always. Those questions are both the hardest and easiest questions for me to answer. Why? Because my answers affect people. I can see it in their eyes. As much as I don't want to have to explain these things to people, I have seen lives changed by it already, and I'm not even in Africa yet.

I am going to post the most frequently asked questions on here. I will answer each one.

 - Why Chad?
God. That is the only reason. He said, "Go to Chad." And boom. The location came first for me, so that I could get used to the fact that I wouldn't live a comfortable little life in America. The rest followed shortly after. What's funny is that little hints of my Calling have popped up my entire life, and I just never noticed.

 - What little hints of Chad popped up?
Well, I used to watch the Lizzy McGuire show a ton and one episode featured a project on countries. Lizzy had a crush on a guy named Chad, and she was assigned Chad as her country. I remember laughing about this for a good ten minutes and then I was in denial that Chad was an actual country, so I looked it up. This is the main hint that I remember. It seemed like such a small thing at the time. I honestly don't know how I can remember this, considering my memory is usually so sketchy. But there it is. I don't believe in coincidences.

 - What are you going to do in Chad?
The question should probably be, "What aren't you going to do in Chad?" My friend Michelle called me "ambitiously caring" once, and I guess that is the best way to describe what I'm doing. I plan on helping anyone who needs it. Adult or child, healthy or sick, old or young, I will be there. The main thing I know that I am going to do is take in orphans. I will probably wind up with a dozen children to call my own. But I want to be one of those people who will do anything for anyone. No limits.

 - What is this I hear about a US Embassy?
Yes, there is a US Embassy in N'Djamena, the city I am going to live in. I really want to work there. I don't know why, but I do. God is probably thinking of some way to use that for His glory. I wouldn't be surprised. But we'll just see what happens. If He wants me to be an embassy worker and a missionary, that is exactly what I will do.

 - Isn't Chad kind of dangerous?
Yep. It sure is. It's having some big problems with Sudan at the moment, and the UN is planning to withdraw MINURCAT, which is the main organization keeping Chad afloat. It's not looking good right now.

 - Aren't you scared since it's so dangerous?
The danger doesn't scare me. The only thing they could do to me is kill me. I'm not afraid of that.

 - You're seriously not afraid of a bunch of Africans with weapons?
Nope. I can honestly say that. God is sending me there for a reason. If I die there, so be it. I never thought I'd live a long life anyways.

 - What if you're raped or something?
Then I'm raped. Dwelling on "what if" isn't going to help anything. What if the ceiling of my house comes down right now and kills me? Thinking of what could happen only prevents life from being lived to the fullest and for God's glory.

 - So if someone comes up to and points a gun at your head and says, "Do you believe in God?", what will you say? (For the record, this question has been asked four times. My answer never changes.)
Yes. Absolutely yes. If the last thing I hear is a gunshot, so be it.

 - When did you know you were going to be a missionary?
My conscious knowledge happened shortly before I was baptized. But I've known in the back of my head my entire life, even before I allowed myself to believe in God.

 - What if everything doesn't go according to plan?
Since when does anything go according to my own plan? Hahaha technically, everything and nothing goes according to plan. Everything in regards to God's plan, nothing in regards to my own.

 - If you're not afraid of death, what are you afraid of?
Disappointing God and those I will be attempting to help. The worst thing that could happen to me is that I could fail in my mission. But I think of it like this: if I was going to fail, why would God call me to do something like this?

 - What are you doing to prepare for this?
There is no real preparation. Not mentally, not physically. The only thing you can do is go in there with the knowledge that God is right there with you. This goes for anything.

 (This next one comes from every member of my family.)
 - There is still time for you to change your mind. What is your backup plan?
I will not change my mind. I have no power over this. My mind can't be changed. It is all up to God.


So yeah. Those are my FAQ's. If you have any others, just ask :)

I have changed. I am changing. So are you. Keep your eyes open, and you never know what you'll see. Keep your heart open, and you never know what you'll feel. Keep your spirit open, and you never know what you'll do or what you'll experience. Let God move you, and you never know where you'll go.

Hot potatoes and dinosaur nuggets.

I buy Dino nuggets. They are yummy and fun and I love them. However, I do not love the looks I get every single time I buy them. The most common response is, "How old are you?" When I say 16, everyone just smirks.  Only once has someone actually smiled at me. He was 17, and we high fived. It was pretty excellent.

I know that I've done a post on maturity before, but this issue just keeps coming up. Now, I realize that I am not the most mature 16-year-old on the face of the Earth, but I'm not a toddler either. Anyone should be allowed to buy Dino nuggets, bouncy balls, and a yo-yo without strange looks...right? I think so. I think that there wouldn't be so many boring adults in the world if people didn't thrust maturity on them like a hot potato that they can't keep passing. It burns, and no matter how many times you try to toss it up to make the pain go away, it always comes back down.

The maturity potato is something everyone has passed to them. Mine was passed when I was 6. Do you want to know what I did with that potato after a few years of burned hands? I let it drop straight to the ground; I shed my facade of maturity so that I could actually enjoy life again. I made mashed potatoes out of maturity, using combat boots to stomp out my frustration. (No, I didn't really stomp on a potato. It's a metaphor. Stay with me haha.)

The other day, I was at O'Charley's and I saw a little girl come in with a cute little dress and her hair in a bow.  That did not bother me (no matter how much I wanted to give that little girl my old Kiss t-shirt). No, what did bother me was that she was about five or six tops and as soon as she sat down, she placed her napkin delicately in her lap with her pinkies out. She refused to drink out of a kid cup. I heard her say, very articulately, "I would like a small glass of water please."

Some of you may be thinking, "Awww. She is a little girl with table manners." Trust me, you wouldn't have thought that if you saw her. Her mom scolded her three times for kicking her feet absentmindedly under the table. I saw her kicking her feet. It was a small little back and forth motion. Do you want to know what her mom said? "Mature young ladies sit properly." I am not even kidding.

That really made me mad. Now, I know that I am not a mother and that yes, kids do need to learn table manners. But getting mad at a little girl for something as small as kicking her feet as they dangled in the air? They weren't even kicking quickly. That's messed up. I've never seen Toddlers in Tiaras, but that is probably exactly what it is like.

I am not a mom yet, but I almost cried when I saw that little girl leave the restaurant. She didn't smile. Every time I looked at her across the isle from me, she was unhappy. Her little eyes were...almost lifeless. As she left, her shoulders slumped and her head dropped, I had never seen anything like it. The last thing I heard from that little girl and her mother was this: "Stand up right now. Walk with your head up. Shoulders back." She replied in her small, high pitched voice, "Yes ma'am."

That broke my heart into so many tiny little pieces. There she was, one of the most adorable little girls I had ever seen, and she looked like she was aged. She looked like she was an adult trapped in the body of a little girl.

It doesn't happen with just girls. I've seen parents tell their sons, "Stop crying. Big boys don't cry."

Am I the only one who thinks that is absolutely ridiculous? The kids are not the issue. The parents play just as large of a role, if not larger. I am sick of it. I am sick of hot potato maturity. I am sick of seeing little kids without smiles. I am sick of seeing little adults at the age of six.

I am 16, and I am still pretty immature. I love that about myself. I love that I enable myself to enjoy things in life that I was supposed to have grown out of. I am mature and immature.

I've talked about keeping your own immaturity and childhood alive before, but now I am telling you to help keep someone else's childhood alive. You'd be surprised at how much of a drastic change a yo-yo can make when the person just lets loose.

Keep A Child Alive is an organization which has the purpose of providing treatment, support, and love to families affected by HIV/AIDS. My own personal campaign is the same words, with a different meaning. Keep a child alive. We are all children. We should remember that.

If you would like to contribute to Keep A Child Alive, the website is below. It is an excellent cause, and it is a cause that is very close to my heart.

http://keepachildalive.org/

International politics?

I'm a bit extreme when it comes to international politics. Sometimes, I'm too biased. Other times, I'm ridiculously passive, which is odd for me. Why am I talking about international politics on a Faith based blog? Well, I'll tell you reader. It's because even though politics and religion do not mix well, no matter how hard some may try, they are the two things in the world I am most passionate about...aside from caring for human lives, of course.

Anyways, my view on international publicity may infuriate some. If this occurs, I'm sorry. But this is how I feel when it comes to publicity of tragic international events:

North Korea gets involved in conflict with South Korea. The entire world is hearing about it. Two are dead, fifteen more are wounded. Twitter and Facebook rings with statuses and tweets asking for people to pray for Korea, and I am all for that.

All right, so now let's go to America. The Healthcare bill is passed, and the people go nuts with either dread or joy. The spotlight of the world falls on America once again.

Now, let's go to Africa. Chad and Sudan are waging an unofficial war. Thousands are involved. Sudan is filled with genocide and rape. But I do not see a single article or tweet about it anymore. The world has forgotten.

Millions of people get HIV and AIDS every year, but where are their prayers? Children die without even having the chance to live, and where are their prayers? Where's their attention from the media? Where are the tweets?

I was told that I would freak out if what happened in South Korea happened in America. Now, I'm going to sound really harsh here, but no. I wouldn't. I'd cry over the lives lost, and pray for them, just as I am doing with South Korea. But I do that with everything. I'm not the issue. The media is.

That's probably a really typical and cliche statement, but it's true. It breaks my heart that the media goes through tragic events, deciding which ones are worth the time and which are not. That is NOT fair. Every event is tragic. All events like that are equal. One doesn't deserve attention more than the other. Who are we to decide which deserve the attention? Who are we to decide which we will pray for and which we will not?

All of them deserve the attention, but not all of them are receiving it. Either make all of them known so that prayers can go out to everyone, or don't even bother giving news at all. I don't care about which is more interesting to you. I care about the people who die. That is what matters. Nothing else.

So don't freak out over the Koreas if you won't spare a freak out to Sudan, or Turkey, or Venezuela, or Myanmar, etc etc. All of them deserve the time of day.

I understand that I probably sound a bit blunt and well...jerkish right now. I just get really frustrated when people announce their prayers for one event and don't pray for the rest of the world too. When you pray, do it silently and for the masses.

One little thing though: If you want to make a difference, don't just sit there and whine (Yes, I realize that this is what I am currently doing, but stay with me here). Go out and DO SOMETHING. Whenever I can do something to help, I do it. No questions asked. Now, I am not a good example of being a good citizen here. I am not a good example of anything, really. But I suppose this is just one request that I have for you so...please? Please do something? It doesn't have to be major, just do something. Anything that can help anyone. I will go with you myself and do it with you. I am not even kidding. I really feel like I can do more anyways.

Compassion has to be fair and equal. There is no point to it if it goes any other way.

So...yeah. That's my little rant for the day. I really hope this didn't make you angry. I can't stand when people get angry with me.

Even if you're mad at me, I love you all :) Seriously. I do.

I always have tadpoles in my shoes.

Obviously, the title caught your attention :D This was the point, so awesome. Yes, this is one of my quotes. No, it did not even makes sense in context. Anyhoo...

I've come to a place of supreme optimism with a side of pessimism and realism. (Like chicken tenders with ketchup AND ranch on the side.) Life gets me down, I feel depressed, and yet ten minutes later, I always feel better. Pretty fantastic, right? I deal with your typical teenage stuff: boys, grades, various hobbies, boys. It's interesting for me to lay awake at night and think "Why on earth am I having issues with the opposite sex? Honestly. Life doesn't have to be nearly as hard as I make it." And yes, I do make my life hard. Right at this very moment, I should be studying for an AP US History test over seven chapters that is...oh, yeah. Tomorrow. And yet here I am, pounding away at these computer keys. The irony is that APUSH is the only reason why I have been fretting over grades. Whoops.

I think God is trying to show me something though. The main thing I've always prided myself on is my grades. I'm little miss straight A's, and that fact has made me feel proud of myself. Being perfect in grades was the only way that I could feel...well...perfect. But I'm not perfect, and I think God is showing me that I can't rely on something like grades to feel good about myself. I have to search within and see all of the wonderful things I have in my life; that is what the source of my happiness should be.

I'm ridiculously happy with my life right now, and I credit it all to God. For the past several weeks, I've struggled with my faith. This is why my posts have started getting shorter and less frequent. Every single time I prayed, a little voice in the back of my head would say "Nobody is listening." Let me just say, it scared the heck out of me. I made God my everything, and I felt like I was slowly but surely letting Him slip away.  My prayers became scripted, the same thing over and over, and I lost hope. I lost sight of who God is. My thought process became, "If nobody is listening, why should I even bother to pray? Why should I live my life for someone who may not exist?"

Now, I'm saying this to be honest with you. Yes, I want to be a missionary. Yes, I want to be one of God's crusaders. However, that does not mean that I will lack doubts. But I believe that as humans, we doubt for a reason. That way, when faith is restored, it only gets stronger and stronger. Praying every night and reading the Bible does not make you a Christian. Overcoming the doubts we face does. 

I can't even describe my entire thought process that I faced during the time where I was...well, agnostic. Yes, for a short time, I became agnostic. Every time I tell someone I want to be a missionary, they say "Oh, I admire your faith." I always say thank you, but those words uttered to me allowed me to get comfortable within myself and not with God. Big mistake.

I don't like talking about this. I don't like showing people my doubts. I don't like throwing myself open like this. Seriously.

I don't fear death anymore. I don't fear germs. I don't fear heights, or small spaces, or sharks. I don't fear my past or that it will catch up with me. I don't fear snakes. No, I don't fear any of that anymore.

I fear being lukewarm. I fear God.

This may confuse you, which is understandable. "What? Janie, who talks about God's love and His grace all the time, fears God? She fears the one who is supposed to be so loving and wonderful? Psh. Some Christian she is."

Yes. I know. But I don't fear God Himself. I don't fear the plans He has for me. I fear not being good enough. I seriously fear being lukewarm. I fear that I preach the wrong things to others. I fear myself.

I told myself that I would rather be cold than lukewarm. So for the past few weeks, I became cold. Ice. And I tried to hide every bit of it. But I'm done with feeling so empty. That's what I felt without God: empty. Like my soul had been drained. I smiled, I laughed. I lived my life the way I thought I wanted to. I've never been so wrong in my entire life.

Christians say that they can't survive without God. This is very true. I cannot live without God. I tried. Lord knows that I tried, and I failed. 

I like trying to be perfect, but God is the only perfect one. So, He is showing me that through my grades. Yes, that probably sounds really stupid, but still. He knows how to reach me, and He did it.

Maybe everything I believe about God is wrong. Maybe I shouldn't be writing this right now. But I'd rather be wrong and believe in God than not believe in Him at all. I am happy. Truly. I am not happy through my friends, who seem to get mad at me several times a day, no matter what I do. I am not happy through boys, no matter how much I wish I could be. I am not happy through my family, no matter how much I love them. I am not happy through grades, no matter how much I loved them. I am not happy through music or acting or anything else I thought I loved. 

I am happy, finally, through God. That's why I don't care that I'm struggling in APUSH. That's why I don't care that I'm not popular. For the first time in my life, I'm optimistic. I feel sad sometimes, obviously, but I feel truly fantastic.

You know, I'm going to continue writing tonight. If I fail the test, I fail. Life goes on. Grades aren't my life anymore. Another post will probably be up soon. I promise to make it more interesting.

So many questions: One answer.

Can I do it? Can I go to Chad and meet all of those beautiful people with beautiful spirits and see them fall out of life into death? Can I adopt those beautiful children and make them my own just to see the pain in their eyes from their past? Can I fill my heart with love only to have an emptiness every time a soul leaves the earth? Can I handle seeing kind spirits with broken bodies that didn't have to be broken? Can I continue to rip apart my heart and have it repeatedly healed, only with scars left behind?

I wish I could say that I am absolutely positive that it is a "yes" on every answer. I wish I could say that I can deal with all of this. I can say, though, that I think I can. I think I can do all of this, because I have Jesus' hand in mine. The cool thing is that right now, one hand is much warmer than the other. Almost as if it's being held. I love when things like this happen, and I love that they're always happening. Constantly. It's my fault that I don't always notice.

I'm not one to let people go. I can love with a fierceness that I didn't even think was possible for me. When I used to think my heart was a block of ice, it actually is an inferno. All of this is because of God. God showed me that I can allow people to stay in my life. I don't have to push away those that hurt me, because every person hurts in a different way.

I'm not brave. I'm not strong. I'm not particularly intelligent or talented. I'm not perfect. One thing I am though,  is special. I was adopted into God's family tree by Christ. Every single person was. But just because we're all in His family doesn't mean that we're interchangeable. Every person is special.

Some days, I hate the privileged life I was given. I hate that it couldn't go to another beautiful soul instead. I find myself asking God why I get to wake up in a warm bed, surrounded by love, while others wake up on the hard ground with sores on their bellies and ache in their hearts. I ask Him this, and the answer is always the same.

"It was meant to be because I will it to be so."

What makes me different, God? Yes, I am unique and special like all of Your other children, but why me? Why can't I suffer too? Why can't I give my existence to someone else? Why do I have to sit here being unappreciative of what I have because I want someone else to have it more? Why, God? Again, the answer is always the same.

"It was meant to be because I will it to be so."

I want so badly to embrace every single person in this world who is hurting. I want to embrace the world and shower it with love. With the love of Jesus. With the knowledge that there are people in the world who love them, just as God loves them.

I hate when I get like this. I hate that I can't seem to get that one phrase into my head, no matter how many times it's the answer I receive. I hate that I'm selfishly selfless. I want someone else to have what I have so badly that I become unappreciative of what I receive. Honestly though, the one thing that gets me more than that is that God still loves me. I'm sitting here bawling about what I have and what others don't and yet God is still here. One hand is still warmer than the other.

Going to Chad will relieve me of having this comfortable existence. That's the most selfish thing I think a person could ever want. I want to help others, so I'm eager to throw away what I have. I want to go to Chad to help others so that I can heal my hurting heart. Helping is my main desire, and I'm using it to heal myself. I'm selfish. So selfish.

I think I can go to Chad and be with all of those heartbreakingly wonderful spirits. I think I can go and not miss what I have now, not because I'm unappreciative, but because I can give others what I used to abhor and love at the same time. I think I can go and be appreciative of what I currently have without missing it when I don't have it anymore. I think I can go and fill myself with human love as much as I fill myself with Heavenly love.

It's going to take time for me to be mature and ready enough. It's going to take time for me to not ask God why I have all of the things I do. It's going to take more lessons from God. It's going to take more heartache and tears. But you know what? I know without an inch of doubt that it will be completely worth it. Not for my own selfish desires, but for those of others. I know that if I were to go now, I'd only be fulfilling my own selfishly selfless desires. What God is showing me though, is that I can want the best for others. I can grant myself that satisfaction because He willed it to be so. God wants me to love and care for those around me. I can get what I want because God wants it too. I can get what I want because God is the one giving it to me. I'm appreciative of that.

When I go to Chad, I will be surrounded by hurt. I will cry myself to sleep. I will feel my heart break. I will be joyful. I will rejoice. I will be healed. I will be filled. I will raise my arms and cry out to God. I will praise Him. I will hold hands with the broken and find that I am definitely one of them. I will love unconditionally.

And for all of these things I will do, I find that I'm already doing them. That is the greatest want God has fulfilled. He will never stop fulfilling, and I will never stop praising Him for it. What I want in Chad is what I want here as well.

So, to my shock, I find that my answer has changed as I have been writing this.

I, Janie Sanford, can and will go to Chad. I will go with my God. I can do this because of Him and Him alone. I can.

A little kid on the first day of school, only every day!

I'm going to be up front here. I really have no idea which direction this post is going to take. Is it going to be happy? Funny? Depressing? Insightful? Well, let's shoot for something optimistic.

I discovered a new opportunity today. In N'Djamena, Chad, there is an embassy. Not just any embassy, a US Embassy. That's right. In the city where I intend on spending my years as a missionary, there is a little slice of America. Needless to say, I'm pretty jazzed. I thought that I was going to have to completely forgo America and all of it's little (or big) happenings. Nope :) I get to be only a few miles away from a piece of home.

I want to work there. Like....really badly. Being a missionary isn't exactly monetarily secure, and I plan on having and adopting kids and I really want them to have a bright future. But honestly, I'd work in the Embassy for free. If I were to work there, I have no doubt in my mind that I'd absolutely love my job. It wouldn't be a job for me, really. It'd be more like a hobby, something fun that makes me really want to get up in the morning. I'd feel like a little kid on their first day of school. Except, this would be an every day experience.

I can't really describe my jubilation when I came across this little gem of information. (That rhymed. Jubilation-information :D). I don't think a "chill pill" could even tone down my excitement. Working there wouldn't make me shirk my missionary duties, of course. My missionary work does and will always come first. But what if I could have my cake and eat it too? (Mmmmm, cake.) What if I could immerse myself within the cultures of Africa and still have my little semblance of home? Or what used to be my home?

There's just one little problem: politics and religion don't mash up well in my book. I don't want to compromise aspects of my Faith in order to live out a life through politics. Maybe I'm just being paranoid (which is almost certainly the case), but still. If I could do both, I can't even fathom how happy that would make me.

I really want this. I know that it will be tough, but I haven't been this excited/terrified of something since I first found out I was going to be a missionary. I'm asking for prayers at this point. Please, pray that the right path unfolds for me. I'm not asking that you pray that I get what I want, I'm asking that you pray for what God wants and that I'll accept it gladly and with open arms. I know that what I want and what God wants can certainly be two different things right now, but I ask that they mend together for the future.

Thank you :) Love you all!

"There can be no deep disappointment where there is not deep love."

The title of this is from Martin Luther King's "Letter from a Birmingham Jail". I was particularly struck by this line when I first read it, and it still sticks with me to this day. In context, the line is about The Church. This is why it struck me, but in a good way.


"In deep disappointment I have wept over the laxity of the church. But be assured that my tears have been tears of love. There can be no deep disappointment where there is not deep love. Yes, I love the church. How could I do otherwise? I am in the rather unique position of being the son, the grandson and the great grandson of preachers. Yes, I see the church as the body of Christ. But, oh! How we have blemished and scarred that body through social neglect and through fear of being nonconformists.

There was a time when the church was very powerful--in the time when the early Christians rejoiced at being deemed worthy to suffer for what they believed. In those days the church was not merely a thermometer that recorded the ideas and principles of popular opinion; it was a thermostat that transformed the mores of society. Whenever the early Christians entered a town, the people in power became disturbed and immediately sought to convict the Christians for being "disturbers of the peace" and "outside agitators."' But the Christians pressed on, in the conviction that they were "a colony of heaven," called to obey God rather than man. Small in number, they were big in commitment. They were too God-intoxicated to be "astronomically intimidated." By their effort and example they brought an end to such ancient evils as infanticide and gladiatorial contests. Things are different now. So often the contemporary church is a weak, ineffectual voice with an uncertain sound. So often it is an archdefender of the status quo. Far from being disturbed by the presence of the church, the power structure of the average community is consoled by the church's silent--and often even vocal--sanction of things as they are.

But the judgment of God is upon the church as never before. If today's church does not recapture the sacrificial spirit of the early church, it will lose its authenticity, forfeit the loyalty of millions, and be dismissed as an irrelevant social club with no meaning for the twentieth century. Every day I meet young people whose disappointment with the church has turned into outright disgust."

That wasn't the only section in the letter that moved me, but it's the one I wish to share the most. That section pretty much states my feelings exactly. I love being a Follower of Christ. I love sharing my story. But one thing I don't love is when people shove the wrong ideas about Christian Spirituality down the throats of unwilling listeners. Now, I'm not saying that my idea of Christian Spirituality is right and theirs is wrong, but I am saying that preaching the Word out of context so that it forms to what you want it to say is wrong. 

I've heard "Christians" say that God is a God that hates. I've seen "Christians" holding up signs that say (Pardon this next phrase. I do not share this opinion and I think the use of the final word is completely uncalled for and downright cruel) "God hates Fags". 

God cannot and does not hate. How many times in the Bible does God's Mercy, Grace, Love, etc. come up? Seriously. God does not like when people sin, yes. God isn't too pleased when people do not believe in Him, yes. God punishes, yes. But none of this is out of hate. Every single bit of it is out of love. 

God does not place temptation upon us, Satan does. God doesn't like when we give in, but He loves us anyways. He sent His son so that we may live through Him. God made it so that we wouldn't have to pay the price for our sins: our lives. God enabled us to grow through the mistakes that we make. We fail, He shows us a lesson amongst out failure. God loves those who do not believe in Him because they are also His children. God punishes us so that we can, again, learn from our mistakes and be better off for it. In reality, God is reluctant to punish. He wants us to realize our own mistakes and atone for them.

A lot of people may cringe at this next part, but it needs to be said.

Homosexuality is not an excuse for earthly persecution. We can't pursue those who are homosexual because we have no right to judge them. If they choose to live that way, fine. It's their life, their fate. Not ours. Is a man who rapes a woman more Holy than a homosexual because he is straight? No. Is a woman who molests a male child more Holy than a homosexual because she is heterosexual? No. Frankly, I am disappointed by those who choose to make signs saying "God hates Fags". A - The term Faggot is extremely crude and immature. B - Again, God does not hate. C - We cannot persecute those who sin when we sin as well. Maybe not in the same way, but it's still sin. 

Those of a different faith do not want yours shoved down their throats. Now, I am all for evangelizing. However, there is a difference between spreading the Word with honorable intentions and spreading the Word just for the sake of making someone believe the way you do. Don't openly condemn someone to Hell just because they don't believe exactly the way you do. Newsflash: NOBODY believes the exact same things you do. Every person is unique. So if you have the mindset that everyone who doesn't believe the way you do is going to Hell, then technically everybody is going to Hell. Including you, because you don't believe the same way as anyone else either. 

Honestly, I get so fed up with people coming to my door, spreading messages from "God". If I want a message from God, I'll consort the Word in CONTEXT, thanks. I guarantee you that even as a Follower of Christ, I get just as impatient with "Christians" as Muslims, Hindus, Jews, and Atheists do. I don't even like the term "Christianity" anymore, because it seems to be a word filled with conformity, condemnation, and pretty much everything except Christ. I also dislike the word "religion", because these days, religion appears to have nothing to do with Faith. I practice, in the words of Donald Miller, Non-religious beliefs of Christian Spirituality. That's not exactly what he said, but it wouldn't make sense in context if I said it verbatim.

Every person is a child of God. Be they of a different faith, race, background, etc. It doesn't matter. God loves them, why can't we love them as well? Because we're human? That's not a good enough excuse. There is no excuse.

I have friends who are Wiccan, Gay, Hindu, Muslim, Agnostic, Atheist, Bi-Sexual, Scientologist, and Darwinist, and I love them just as I do my Christian friends. Every person has the potential to do this, and there are several who do, but it seems like people are too stubborn and intolerant to open their minds to unconditional love.

This is why I am so frustrated with the Church. I love the Church so much, but I get so mad sometimes. As Followers of Christ, we're supposed to really FOLLOW Christ. Not just believe in Him. Christ loved and loves every single person. Yet, I still see "Christians" parading around messages that God hates all who are not like them. The irony is that the Bible speaks out saying that we can't judge others because then we judge ourselves. 

So based on the aforementioned logic, God would hate them too. If God hated every human in existence, why would He have created us in the first place? And even if He still created us, why wouldn't He just kill us all? He could. He definitely has the power. But He hasn't. Now, that's what I call some serious unconditional love.

I guarantee that I believe differently than you do. I'm not trying to shove my beliefs down your throat, and if it seems that way, I sincerely apologize. I do not expect you to believe the way I do. I want to share my thoughts in a deferential way.

Martin Luther King was right. I am disappointed in the Church and the Church's Christians, but I love them. I love them deeply. 

This blog is dedicated to Alison McDuffee, who introduced me to the letter. She has no idea how much I learned from it :) So thank you, Mrs. McDuffee.

I love you all, and I really mean that :) If anyone ever needs a friend, an accountability buddy, or prayer, you can e-mail me at janie_sanford0902@yahoo.com. I would really appreciate it if you didn't spam me though haha.

Sweetly broken, wholly surrendered.

Lately, I've felt really broken. As I sit here, yearning for sleep and yet unable to indulge, I keep getting the feeling that there is something on my heart that is trying to get out. I don't feel shattered in a bad way, really. Sure, there are pieces of my heart with jagged edges, but the cuts can only go so deep, you know? God is a daddy with a box of band-aids and a tube of neosporin ready. He is ready for when we get hurt, and His kiss always seems to make it better.

I'm going to be totally honest here, I used to hate calling God "Father" or any synonym for the word. I felt like that word had such a bad connotation. My earthly father betrayed me and pretty much scarred me for life. I didn't want to call God "Father" for fear that I would be betrayed again. It took me a while to realize that the word "Father" is actually a compliment to men on earth because they are allowed to share the same word with God. I like to think that it's gotten easier to call God "Daddy", but sometimes, the word gets stuck in my throat. Old habits die hard.

I didn't accept being a Christian easily. I had to take baby steps. I went through stages. First, I was in the shock, awe, and disbelief phase. I couldn't believe that there was One out there who could offer someone as messed up as me Grace. Second, I was in the self-deprecating phase. I thought that because I was so screwed up, I had to alter everything that I was to impress God. Basically, I put on my church face and tried to act Holy. Needless to say, I completely failed.

Then came the conforming traditionalist phase. I went to church and made every belief around me my own. I didn't give it a second thought, I just took it and considered it as a part of who I was. I became stuck on traditions and essentially stuck within myself. If you didn't believe the way I did, I was in on the secret and you were not. I was going to Heaven, and you had no hope. God only loved those who did everything a certain way and if you deviated, you were going to Hell. That phase makes me sick to think about.

After that was the confusion. I pretty much had no idea who I was or what I believed and I was willing to "go with the flow" just to make it seem like I trusted God.

Another "Holier than thou" phase came. I read books about a revolution in Christianity and they got me fired up. I got it, and nobody else did. Nobody believed in God as much as I did. Nobody understood the Word as much as I did.

A loose phase came next. To me, everything was fine. I never did anything wrong because how could I do wrong when I was God's daughter? I sinned and I didn't think a thing about it. I felt no remorse.

Then, I forgot everything. Not just my Faith, but everything. I couldn't see the Hand that was reaching toward me anymore, and my eyes wouldn't adjust. I was stuck in a period of darkness that still haunts me in the eyes of those who witnessed it.

Only now did I realize that Christian spirituality requires growth. Not just within myself either. These phases may be sickening and awful, but they were essential. 

I don't consider where I am now a "phase". At least, I hope it isn't one. Sure, I still have doubts occasionally creep into my mind, but I always remember that those thoughts aren't mine. Satan places them in my mind, and I choose to acknowledge them. But I am trying. I'm still growing. I'm still a baby Christian.

I have my own beliefs now. I accept all, just as God accepts all. I'm trying to go as Jesus went. I'm trying to follow in His footsteps. It's difficult, don't get me wrong. However, I've never felt more whole and I've never felt more broken. It's hard to describe really. I don't conform to the beliefs of those around me, because those beliefs aren't suited for me. I listen. I hear God in the trees. I see Him in the dust motes that swirl in the air as I breathe. I feel Him. It's marvelous. 

Every day, calling Him "Daddy" gets easier. I'm hungry to discover more of Him. I'm starving because I want to glorify Him in every way. I'm thirsty to take in more of His words. I'm taking one step at a time, and I'm enjoying the walk. For the first time in my life, I don't feel alone and I don't feel surrounded. I feel...well, there's not really a word to describe it.

I've been in love on earth before, but it's nothing in comparison to being in love with my God. I can honestly say that. I'm floating, and I love every second of it.

The title of this blog is from Sweetly Broken by Jeremy Riddle. It's an excellent song, and it suits what I'm feeling.

I love you all :) Be safe.

Faith Adrenaline

So. I haven't written in a while. I haven't had much time lately; then again, God comes first and since this entire thing is about God....ouch. Sorry God. This is the first entry I have for September and it's near the end of the month. I'm so awesome with time management.

Anyhoo, I taught at FCA (Fellowship of Christian Athletes in case any of you didn't know. I'm not trying to insult your intelligence or anything) the other day. Well, yesterday actually. But it was INCREDIBLE. I felt like I had actually gotten through to a group of middle and high schoolers. Not an easy task. I felt...well, spiritually enriched. It was like a burst of even more Faith into my veins. Faith Adrenaline...haha.

But I'm going to post my lesson on here for you lovely people because if I can make a group of students (and two adult teachers, I was proud) have this face :o (for the record, this is not a shock face. This is an "oh my gosh I totally get this and I can relate to this" face), then certainly something in here can reach you...hopefully. Maybe not, who knows? Maybe they were all zoned out. But throughout the day, several people came up to me telling me how awesome I did and how they learned from what I said. It felt pretty fantastic. I'd rather have a few people be really jazzed about the lesson than have the entire room passively accept it, to be honest.

This isn't exactly what I said (I put a ton of extra stuff in there as it came to me), but this is the gist.

Good morning, guys. I want you to take a quick second to count how many televisions you have in your household. How many of you have just one? Two? Three? Four? All right, how many of you own an iPod or other mp3 player? How many of you own at least four pairs of shoes? How many of you have less than that?

Let’s switch up the questioning a little. How many of you have access to clean water? How many of you live in a house, an apartment, or any other form of shelter? Unless I'm severely mistaken, every hand in this room should be up.

Let’s switch it up one more time. How many of you worry about if your internet is working? How many of you take comfort in a warm bed and a hot meal?

Last question: how many of you take comfort in the things you own? Go ahead, be honest. I admit that I do. I admit that I like waking up from an alarm clock and listening to my stereo as I get ready for school. I like that I have access to clean water and running water. Now, I like all of those things. I take comfort in them, but everything I just mentioned is temporary. It’s a strange thought isn’t it? All of that could be taken away by God in just one second. One instant is all it takes to lose your comfort if you instill your comfort in material things.

Some of you may be thinking, “God wouldn’t do that to me. He loves me.” Now, this is very true. God loves you, but He’s done worse things in order to shake someone up. God can turn your life upside down in a snap.

Everything you own, every scrap of food, every drop of water, every piece of clothing on your body could be gone. Just like that. Snap. Your house is gone. Snap. Your clothing is gone. Snap. You begin to starve. Snap. You begin to lose hope. Snap. Your hope is restored by God. I’m going to be honest here, if I lost everything like that right now, I wouldn’t feel too great. I would feel like I couldn’t survive without my stuff. That’s because materialism has become so socially acceptable. These days, it’s okay to go to the mall and spend 40 dollars on a pair of shoes, it’s okay to spend 5 dollars on a frappuccino from Starbucks, it’s okay to spend over 100 on school supplies, it’s okay to go out and get an iTouch even though your old iPod works just fine.

Let me tell you this: life isn’t money or materialism. Now, I could sit here and tell you that I had this huge revelation and that materials mean nothing to me anymore, but that would be a bold faced lie. I know that in our society, you’re expected to have stuff or the value people place on your heads decreases. If you’re a business man, you’re deemed more valuable than a homeless man. It’s not right, actually it downright cruel, but this is what many people do. But what if that homeless man had a heart full of God and nothing else? Does he need anything else? No. The value of the spirit is infinitely larger than the value of a big house or a nice car.

                

I know that living a life without surrounding yourself with materials seems hard. I know that. I’m not telling you that it’s easy, but I am telling you that if you place your comfort in materials, you will get burned. Plain and simple.

Story time! Two men are walking down the street. They’re almost complete opposites. One is a business man, the other is a homeless man. The business man pities the homeless man because it appears that he has no comfort in life. However, the homeless man is walking with a skip and his step and a smile on his face.  The business man is angry because his cell phone gets bad reception in that area and he wanted to ask his wife to bring his coat to his work because it is so cold outside.  The business man takes another look at the homeless man and waves him over. He pulls out his wallet and tries to give the homeless man 20 dollars. The homeless man smiles and says, “Thank you, but I don’t need this. I appreciate your generosity.” Perfectly polite answer right? Well, the business man gets angry. He says, “Take it. I don’t need it. I have plenty more where that came from.” The homeless man still smiles and says, “Really, I don’t need it. I’m just fine.”

                

The business man’s anger grows. Why won’t the man just take the money and leave? He says, “You’re homeless. You’re dirty. And yet you smile at everyone you see. Why? I pity you so much because you have no comfort. Please, just take the money.” The homeless man’s smile never falters as he replies, “Oh sir. You’re blinded by your possessions, aren’t you? But you pity me because I have no material claims in this world? My friend, I pity you.” He continues, “You say that I have no comfort, but this couldn’t be any more untrue. My comfort is my God. My God feeds me when I’m hungry. My God shelters me from harm. My God clothes me with His spirit. My God gives me gifts every day. I am privileged to enjoy sunrise and sunset. I am grateful to feel the wind on my face. I am appreciative of the rain that cleanses me. I have all that I could ever ask for and more, but I do not ask, because I know that God will provide. There is never a time more surrounded by possessions than when those possessions come from Heaven and not from the Earth.”

                

The business man scoffed. “It’s so cold. Feel that breeze? That’s not a gift, that’s the making of Hypothermia. Your God can’t keep you warm. You foolish man, the jacket on your back warms you.” At this, the homeless man laughed with a gleeful expression. “Here,” he said. “Take my jacket. I see that you don’t have one. Take it. I have no need. You have bumps on your flesh because you have no Faith in the Lord. Take Faith, and He will provide. I have Faith that if anything were to happen to me, the Lord would reward me for my Faith in Heaven.” The homeless man placed his jacket on the back of the business man. As the homeless man walked away, with a huge grin on his face, he’d never felt warmer.

                

Scripture directly falls in line with everything I'm saying. Matthew 6: 25-34. 1 Peter 1: 18-21. 1 Timothy 6:3-10. Matthew 7: 7 and 8. Colossians 3: 12. Ecclesiastes 2: 1-11. I could read all of this off to you, but then you wouldn't take the initiative to dive deeper into what I'm saying. If you want, you can come up to me at any time and I'll read it to you. Just say "Janie, I want to learn." Seriously, I don't mind and I'd actually really enjoy it.

               

Pleasures mean nothing. Our souls are hungry, but not for materials. Our souls are hungry for satisfaction though God. God gives us more than we could ever need and things we never even knew we wanted.

               

We have to let go of our comfort to satisfy our hunger for the love of God. We have to lose our control over our lives. This next statement may sound odd, but know you take comfort from God when you’re uncomfortable. When He calls you to do something out of your comfort zone and you actually do it, that’s when you know that you take comfort from God and only God. Again, that may sound convoluted, but when you’re truly uncomfortable, God is your comfort. Materials are worth nothing in Heaven. You can’t take them with you. When your comfort is in God, you become okay with giving up what you used to hold onto; you become okay with having nothing material. It’s not easy, but it’s possible.

                

We have to go as Jesus went. We have to go deeper. Jesus wasn’t rich with gold, He was rich with love. He didn’t surround himself with kings; He surrounded himself with prostitutes, lepers, the homeless, those who had nothing to hold onto except Him. So to live in comfort, our only comfort can be from God. That means making tough decisions and being essentially uncomfortable.

                

Here’s the most important and most convoluted statement out of all of this: You will become comfortable with being uncomfortable if your comfort comes from God. I’ll say it again. You will become comfortable with being uncomfortable if your comfort comes from God. 

                

Materialism has twisted society like a slinky. We get knotted together and it appears as though we have to cut the whole apart to create the smaller pieces. It's never the same. In reality, we're all so caught up within ourselves to let go and make the whole again. Underneath the knot, we're unified. Not just as Christians, but as brothers and sisters. Every person comes from God and that makes them a part of you. But as Christians, as the Followers of the great I AM, we can rise above the comfort of materials and we can spread the message. “Take Faith, and He will provide.”

I love you all :) Thank you for reading.

Tie your worries to a balloon and send them up.

I've been revisiting this blog for days. I open a blank post window, I give it a title, and I stare at it for five minutes before I get frustrated and give up. This is usually how writing goes for me if I don't have a sudden flash of inspiration. No, this didn't come to me in a flash. I was just frustrated.

This whole day has been frustrating to me I suppose. I'm frustrated by the betrayal within my group of friends. I'm frustrated with false accusations. I'm frustrated that I can't seem to start on my homework, which I know is completely my fault, so therefore I'm frustrated with myself. I'm frustrated with frustration. I'm frustrated that I've said the word "frustrated" so many times. And now, I'm frustrated that I'm whining about it. So I'm sorry to those who are reading this.

I'm just struggling with so much right now. Granted, it could be much worse so I'm being a cry-baby. I'm a very fortunate person, and I know that. I wish that I didn't feel like my back was breaking from all of the stress. I wish that I could close my eyes and tell God that I'm thankful for the struggles and hardships I'm going through. Part of me is thankful, but the other part, the part that is growing louder and louder every second, is just so tired.

I wish that I was the perfect Christian girl, but I'm definitely not. I'm not the person I wish that I could show you. As far as I'm concerned, I might just be one of the worst Followers of Christ. But I guess that's what the beauty of it is: I can be awful and whiny and still be considered a Follower. If that isn't an example of God's Mercy and Grace, I don't know what is.

I'm going to be completely honest here, and some of these things are going to be really hard for me to say, so please bear with me.

I admit, sometimes it's hard for me to remind myself that God is in control. It's hard for me to remember that all of this is happening for a reason. I admit this: I am a selfish person. I want my comfort, I want my routine, I want my rest. I want to clench my fists around all of the things I hold dear so that they don't disappear.

The Main Things I Realize That I Need to Keep in Mind:

 - Being a Christian is being out of control and letting God take over.
 - Being a Christian means that most of the time, your selfish desires aren't going to happen.
 - Being a Christian means that instead of your selfish desires, you'll get something better that you never realized that you wanted.
 - Being a Christian is smiling through the pain because you're lucky to have a God who loves you more than anyone ever can.
 - Being a Christian is realizing that sometimes, the greatest test of Faith is what you go through every day.
 - Being a Christian is sometimes failing that test, but knowing that God is greater than any test you fail.
 - Being a Christian is being vulnerable, but letting God be your everlasting armor.
 - Being a Christian is being willing to die for the One you love.
 - Being a Christian is being imperfect, but showing the world that God loves us anyways.
 - Being a Christian means that you can be anyone ( a prostitute, a murderer, a thief, a rapist ) and still be a part of God's plan. (Look at Jesus' Genealogy. He didn't exactly come from kings.)
 - Being a Christian is being merely a jar of clay.
 - Being a Christian is to (attempt to) lift up your worries to God.

I struggle with these, and I admit it. By admitting it, I am being honest with you so that you can see me without my mask of mortality. So that you can see me the way my God does.

I never claimed to be the perfect Christian. I do claim, however, to be a Christian. I wish that I could be a better one right now, but I'm working on God's time, not my own.

As I write this, I am lifting my worries to God. If you're worried too, just try tying them to a balloon and sending them to Heaven.

If I was a crayon, I'd be a macaroni & cheese crayon.

Crayola had the best color names ever. (Sorry, RoseArt, but Crayola is way better.) I miss the times when I could look down at my crayon box and search for asparagus green or fuzzy wuzzy pink. I spent my childhood floating  through a sea of periwinkle and denim, desert sand and chesnut, eggplant and burnt sienna.

These days, when I whip out my dinosaur coloring book, I get strange looks from everyone. What's wrong with coloring a T-Rex antique brass? Or a Velociraptor screamin' green? It really is a shame that people consider it embarrassing. I'm definitely not embarrassed. If I was, I wouldn't be writing this.

I really don't like that people think that you can actually "grow out" of something. Sure, you can grow out of clothes or bad behavior, but I never really believed that you could grow out of something that you once adored. For example, I think Hide and Go Seek is the greatest game ever. I used to spend hours playing it with my friends. I played it so much, I figured out where every possible hiding place was. Needless to say, we quit playing it inside my house and we took it outside....

I haven't played Hide and Go Seek in years. It really makes me sad, too. 

I also want to save up so that I can rent a HUGE bounce house for my 16th birthday. I really think that would be an awesome way to preserve my "youthful spirit".


I don't think God gave us years to "grow out". Maybe I'm wrong, I don't know. He gave us years to "grow up", yes. But "growing up" and "growing out" are two different things. We can look at the little kids around us and see how happy they are and say "Oh, they're just kids." Honestly, aren't we all? When you think about it, we really are all "just kids." So where did this idea of "growing out" come from? I seriously wish I had the answer to that.


I see kids running down the street laughing like wind chimes or the peal of a bell and I'm honestly jealous. If I were to get out the sidewalk chalk and play hopscotch on the pavement... well, there wouldn't be a shortage of strange looks. I don't want people to look at me differently because I enjoy the "immature" things in life.


I like to have fun. I like to laugh. I like to play games and color. I like to jump rope and hula hoop. I am proud of being a child, and I have no doubt that even when I'm 30, I'll enjoy these things just as much as I did when I was 5. 

Honestly, I think Parenthood is a second chance at Childhood. You have your kids asking you to play catch or house or even play Barbie, and I think that is truly a gift. God gave humans an everlasting childhood; it's just a matter of if we choose to embrace it or not.

When I go to Chad, I'm taking my Childhood with me.